before going home to the province for the holidays, i finally found time to watch the DVDs that were long sitting on top of my player. i rented them more than a week ago, and for sure my penalty would even be higher than their price had i bought them instead (the pirated ones, of course...tee-hee!)


first one i popped into my player was the movie Hancock (i know, i know...i'm so outdated!). this movie really made me curious coz i remember some colleagues talking about it months ago. i just love superhero movies, and this one, according to them is way different.


and they are so damn right. i chuckle each time i'd see Will Smith taking off to fly. he's such a disaster! and geesh, he's one scary super hero too. LOL!


but of course, the movie has lessons to offer. some points i have learned:

1. everybody deserves a chance to change. no matter how twisted a person is, he deserves a fair chance to change himself for the better. and it helps to have people around you who believe that you can indeed change. of course, nobody wants to be hated or ridiculed. everybody wants somebody to be proud of them, and everybody longs for the feeling of being wanted. if only everybody would be given a chance to prove themselves, i guess the world be a much better place to live in.

2. love is sacrifice. i cried a lot when i found out that Hancock has a wife...and that they love each other in the past (and maybe until now) but they can't just be together. it sucks...(and i thought this only happens in my so-called life, lol). imagine, sacrificing your own happiness for everybody else's sake. they both knew they can't be together...and that it would bring the world so much peace and happiness if they aren't together. it hurts to see people who love each other turn their backs away from each other. but yeah, everything happens for a reason...and i know it sucks, but their sacrifice isn't going to waste after all.

i love the movie....made me realize a lot of things...love can change a person, and yet, sometimes love just ain't enough.

ugh.

...and i always get left behind.

i wish that someday, i'd be the one to leave...and the one who'd never look back. no matter how hard they try to ask me to stay, i hope i'd have the courage to just continue walking away.

i got hurt so many times already...but how come it's me who feel guilty? maybe i am at fault...maybe it's really me who's at fault. and yeah, maybe i do deserve to be left behind after all.

nope...not that i am sentenced to death. but yep, 2 days of no sleep (at all) literally made me look like i'm from the grave. damn these eyebags and dark undereye circles.

i am not sure why my insomnia has been attacking again. i've stopped taking sleeping pills months ago and never had any difficulties getting a good night sleep. though i still get to sleep less than 5hrs during weekdays, at least i get to sleep! but now, i'd be lying on my bed from 2am and my eyes will still be as wide as that of somebody who suffered from electric shock by 6am.

it's past 3am and i am still up. i was so effin tired when i got home from work, just used some wet wipes to remove my makeup and i went straight to my bed. with my work clothes still on, hahhahaa. but 2hrs after and i haven't been able to get even some minutes of sleep. frustrated, i got up and took a shower...tried to make myself sleepy by reading but look where i am now....in front of my freakin' laptop! arrrrghhh...

my body is so tired, my eyes are half-closed but I CAN'T SLEEP!

damn, if someone out there is thinking bout me (hehehe, beliefs beliefs)...please, STOP! i am in a bad need of some zzzZZZZ!

sniff.

(sorry for my pathetic "excuse")
LOL

Decode...

How can i decide whats right?
When your clouding up my mind,
I cant win your losing fight,
All the time.

How can i ever own whats mine?
When your always taking sides,
But you wont take away my pride,
No not this time...
Not this time.

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well,
How did we get here?
I think i know how.

The truth is hiding in your eyes,
Its boiling in my blood,
But you think that i cant see.
What kind of man that you are?
If your man at all,
I will figure this one out.
On my own... (Screaming i love you so)
On my own... (My thoughts you cant decode)

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well,
How did we get here?
I think i know how.

Do you see,
What weve done,
Were gonna make such fools,
Of ourselves...
Do you see,
What weve done,
Were gonna make such fools,
Of ourselves...
YEAH

How did we get here
I used to know you so well
How did we get here?
I think i know how...
I think i know.

There is something,
I see in you,
It might kill me,
I want it to be true.
-------------------------------------------------------
yeah....i know i am addicted to Twilight.
who's not, anyway? :)

hayyy...i am really inlove with the story. i know i shouldn't be reading stories or watching movies like these...being a love fool that i already am, i just go more loco over love. LOL

oh well. if i don't get to experience this "one true love," at least other people (or vampires) do.
:)

"i love you more than anything in the world combined...isn't that enough?"

awww...i know, this doesn't help me at all. i must admit, i am such a loco when it comes to love. geesh, and i thought my view about it would change as i grow older. but, nah.

so what am i babbling about this time?

yeah...i am one "Twilight" addict too!

i know i am quite late about this one. most of my friends have read the book already, and im talking bout ALL 4 of the books. and yeah, i just started reading a week ago.

i love to read...yep, i really do. but somehow, i lost interest in it years ago. i still remember way back in HS and my early years in college, i got addicted to novels by McNaught and Sheldon. Most books i've read would be about historical romance. yep, romance...love.

LOL (i know!)

so i don't think those who know me would be surprised at all if i'd say i finally got into the "Twilight Saga." i just love stories about LOVE...be it forbidden, unrequited...as long as it's all about LOVE, i'd surely like it.

so when my sister told me bout this book and the upcoming movie, i just knew i got to get a copy for myself. i've read the first 2 chapters of the book right after i got it, but because of too much workload in the office, i stopped. i told myself that i won't be watching the movie unless i'm done with the book. so i took advantage of the (long) weekend, and was able to finish the book in 2 nights. and damn, i must say that i am now inlove with the story of Bella and Edward.

the story didn't fail to give me the kilig factor i always look for in love stories. but i'd be honest to say that i was kinda disappointed with the climax part. and that would be the part where James got Bella...for me, the action ended too soon. or was it cut short? i am not sure, but i can say that it's lacking something. i was kinda expecting more. Well, the part where James fooled Bella into coming for her mother, i was like expecting more action. i dunno if i was already half asleep or what, but the next thing i knew, Bella's being saved by Edward. (and i wish he didn't so she'd be like him..but yeah, that would really cut the story short, no?) so it's like your emotions would be up there and it'll drop just like that.

but yeah, i still love the book. really, really love the story to bits. i love how the author presented the characters. i got so intrigued by them that i started to browse the net as to who'd be playing who. and yeah, i even went to YT and searched for the trailer. LOL.

geesh, i wish i am not too old for this. i am so kilig and yeah, probably like most of the girls out there, i am also wishing to have a vampire boyfriend like Edward.

ROFL.

sometimes don't you wish that you can just turn your back on everything? or probably just ignore the things that happen around you or the things you hear? or maybe those that you feel? coz sooner or later, you'd get over them...BUT! after sometime, there they go again. and you realize you're in a cycle. and soon, you'd get tired. but, you just continue to go thru it all over again.

"tanga mo kasi," "tigas ng ulo mo," "wala kang kadala-dala."

...just a few of those hurtful words that are well, meant to knock some sense into your head. nakakainis diba, kasi paulit ulit mong naririnig. but the truth is, ikaw ang paulit-ulit. if there's one mistake you soooo love to commit e yun na nga yung pagiging engotz mo.

cycle. paulit-ulit. sometimes you're up there feeling so high and happy and the next thing you knew, you've (again) fallen flat on your face. maybe you just got so used to it that you no longer mind going thru it over and over again. aren't u getting tired?

you say you are. but for sure, in no time...you'd be in that same cycle again.

i wish you'd get numb na lang. or maybe become really selfish so you'd only think of yourself. sana you'd learn to love yourself din...or maybe just give a little to those who also give a little. kaso, mashado kang mapagbigay. remember..."you cannot give something what you don't have." so if u don't love yourself, how on earth will you be able to give love to others?

hhmmm...so ano yung tawag sa binibigay mo?

(just askin)

anyways, i hope you'd get tired...as in tired...or maybe fed up? kaso you always say nga na you had enough...pero ayan ka pa din.

tara dito, iuuntog kita ng malakas.

-----------------------------------------

nevermind me peeps, just another talk-to-yourself session.

tata!

like most, if not all, of you out there...i hate PRESSURE! may be it about work, lovelife (or the lack of it), friends or whatever, i soo hate being pressured.

for weeks now, i basically spend most of my wake time in the office. man, i work at an average of 12-13hrs a day! i go home just to sleep, take a bath and well, change my clothes. then i'm off to work again. geesh, so pathetic! i thought i'd have a life once i start working on a dayshift. i am so wrong! i can say that things are all better when i was on a night shift. at least i can still watch tv when i get home in the morning, or even hit the mall right after it opens.

i bought the book Twilight 2 weeks ago, and i haven't taken off the plastic cover until now. i have some makeup video tutorials to upload but haven't done so. damn, i am so dead. yeah, i feel like i'm dead.

and now, i am also being pressured into getting married. yeah, i know i am nearing my 30s and i am still single. most of my friends have kids already or are getting married in the next few months. and me? i dunno. maybe my daydreaming bout getting married are all behind me now. of course i have plans, but not now. when? maybe in the next 2-3yrs? i really dunno.

i know mom would kill me when she reads this. but what can i do? i just realized i have so much things to do pa. i want to have a REAL career (be in IT or in makeup), buy a car and a house, and a hefty amount of savings in the bank. i know i should have started on it a loooong time ago. but what can i do? i've been (and i think i still am) lost and i really dunno where i am heading to. i've been spending like crazy on stuffs that i know i won't even use. gosh, you know how stupid i am when im stressed...

i had a little argument with X about this days ago. i know he wants to get married na...but i need more time. well, he wanted some time too before and i had no choice but to give it to him. so i think it's just right to give that to me too. i am not doing this just because i want to get even, i want this because i have so much to do. i want to be successful muna...not that i am seeing marriage as a hindrance. but i hope you understand what i'm trying to say here. when i get married, i want to make sure that i can afford not to work for the time being that i am pregnant. and i want to take care of my babies and my husband too. and with the kind of work i am in now, that is way too impossible. i am sure, X would kill me if i go home around past midnight every weekday. i want to take care of them, and that would mean being a stay-home mom/wife. and right now, i cant afford to be like that. i would need to work...i have bills to pay for and have a mom and sister to help.

people would say i am running out of time. what the hell do they mean by that? am i going to die soon? LOL

it's so easy to get married. but damn so hard to maintain a family. i've seen a lot of marriage that crumbled...because 1) financial matters, 2) lack of common goal between the wife and husband and 3) lack of readiness to maintain and provide for a family. and i don't want to be one of them. i come from a broken family, and that's the least thing i would want for my children-to-be.

i know i can lose X because of this. i know he's getting impatient. and i am pressured.

what am i to do now?

sigh.

huh!?

and i thought it's gonna be another WW3. goodness, am i being such a pathetic warfreak for thinking that way? (sigh). fortunately, things didn't turn out the way i was kinda expecting them to be. nobody apologized, but at least, it's over (hopefully, it really is).

i am not the type of person who holds grudges against other people. and yeah, most of the time you don't even need to say sorry. a nod or even a smile can make me realize that things are much okay now...or the "war" is over. and yeah, i still believe in "make love, not war."

who would want chaos anyway? who wouldn't want things to go as smoothly as possible? the least thing that i want right now is conflict. most especially in the place where i spend most of my wake time.

oh well...i really hope it's over now.

tata!

and so i originally planned of going out to have a facial and probably do some shopping for xmas gifts, yet i ended up just staying at home...eating, sleeping and watching tv. so much for spending a great weekend, no?

i can't remember the last time i just stayed inside the house (here in manila) and practically do nothing. i've been going home to the province for the last month and so it was again my first time to be alone on a weekend.

after eating my late lunch, dozed off again to sleep and some 3 hrs later, i was again tinkering with my stuffs. i was able to throw away some that i haven't been using and some i put in a bag thinking that i might be able to sell them. i took a bath and heated my dinner. after eating, i decided to do a video tutorial for my blog. then i was off again watching tv.

i was about to start reading "Twilight" when i got so involved with the tv show. well, it's about the love between two different people. they are different in a lot of ways...the guy strayed for a lot of times, ran away from his girl who did nothing but love him truly. he even stood him up on their wedding day because of another girl...and when he came back to her, she told him "i realized that my love for you isn't enough for the two of us. we need to find and love ourselves first, for that would be the only time we can truly give ourselves to each other." they guy told her that he'll find himself and would try hard to change. and the girl assured him that she'll wait.

and so they still ended up getting married. during the ceremony, just before the guy would give the ring, he took off his shoes and told the girl "i am offering you my shoes...to prove to you that i will never ran away from you ever again..." and that brought tears to my eyes. how mushy, i know...but i so feel what he said. imagine, they have been thru a lot...a whole damn lot and yet they still ended up being together. there were even some pictures of them and their family. now, they have been married for 28yrs and still getting stronger.

i laid down and asked myself, "will i ever have something like that?" eversince, all i ever wanted is a great family of my own...something i never had. me, nearing my 30s has still unclear vision of what my life would be in the future. i am not even sure anymore if i'd be getting married...and if ever, i am not sure when that would be. i have lots of plans for my family...but so little for myself.

dang, i am in senti-mode again. i am lost (as usual)...and confused.

geesh, why is it so damn hard to be happy.

When the night has come
and the day is done
I'm always thinking of you
you are in the air
You are everywhere
in everything I do

If I could keep this moment time
if I could make you forever mine
Baby I'm lost in your love
from heaven above
You came to bring me up

Chorus:
With you I feel that I could stay
in love forever and a day
When I walk alone
through an empty home
I just can't stop thinking of you

do you feel the pain
Could it be the same
are you missing me too
I see your face
when I close my eyes
I see a glimpse of my own paradise
you came from heaven above
I'm lost in your love

Free as the wind
you give me wings to fly

Chorus:
With you I feel that I could stay
in love forever and a day

Oh boy I feel I could stay
in love forever and a day

If I Were A Boy lyrics

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy

I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its broken
So they think
that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waiting for me to come home (to come home)

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong


But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (and you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy…
---------------------------------------------------------------

i downloaded this song some night ago, and from then on, i can't seem to get enough of it. naka-repeat mode nga ang music player ko sa phone. LOL. i just like the song...anybody here who likes the song like i do? raise up your hands and feet!

from listening to the song, mejo natanong ko sarili ko what would i do if i were a boy. hmm, never did i imagine or wish that i be a boy. not that i like being a girl...its just that maybe, i have a lot of questions why men are like this and that. sometimes, i wish they become a girl so they would know how we feel.

but if i'd be a boy, here are some things that i would do (to my gf or asawa...):

1. i'll be more sensitive to the feelings of others. lalo na ng gf or nililigawan ko.

2. i'll try to know everything she likes...those things that will make her smile. kahit gaano pa kababaw, basta alam kong mapapasaya ko sya, gagawin ko. lalo na kung mahal na mahal ko siya.

3. she may not be my top priority (there's my family, God, etc..) but i'll make sure she'd come first than my friends. geesh, kung hindi ko naman sya kayang isingit sa lakad namin ng barkada ko, nde na muna ako mag-gf or mag-asawa.

4. i'll make sure to remember every important date in our calendar...lalo na anniversaries. i know how mushy girls are in such occasions. swerte mo lalo kung simpleng greeting lang nanggagaling sa puso mo ok na ang mahal mo. buti nga hindi humihingi ng kung ano anong nde mo kayang ibigay. matakot ka na pag nagdemand yan ng LV or burberry bag sa twing anniversary or monthsarry nyo.

5. i'll surprise her in any way i can. just to make her feel how important she is to me. i'll give her time and attention she deserves.

6. i won't take her for granted...ever! i know how it feels. so tamaan na ako ng kidlat pag pinaramdam ko pa to sa babae kung maging lalaki man ako.

7. hindi ko idadaan sa inom ang away namin. i'll talk to her and settle kung ano man ang gulo namin. from my experience, the more na kinakalimutan ang problem ng walang usap, lalong tumatagal ang issue. sooner or later, it'll pop up again. e ano kung paulit-ulit sha pag kausap ko? ang mahalaga, masettle ang problema. kahit gaano pa ako kaantok or kainis. kung kinakailangang himayin ang issue, gagawin ko. wag lang sha hayaang matulog ng masama ang loob.

8. pag napasama ko loob nya, i'll say sorry and make it up to her. at hindi lang dun matatapos yun. i'll try so hard not to make her feel disappointed again.

9. i'll make her feel that i always want to be with her. lalo na pag alam kong gusto din nya akong makasama. kahit magmukha pa kaming magkadikit na santol. ang mahalaga masaya siya at masaya ako...masaya kaming magkasama.

10. hindi ko siya iiwan at babalikan na lang kung kelan ko gusto. hindi naman siya basahan di ba? hinding hindi ko sha sasabihan ng "saka na lang...." or "sa ibang araw na lang...." i'll make sure she'd preserve her self-worth

11. at higit sa lahat, i'll always tell her how much i love her. kahit para na akong sirang plaka...coz i know, gusto nya yung marinig. at madali lang un gawin. all it takes is a few seconds to say it, and make her feel loved...wanted and cherished.

ikaw? what would you do if you were a boy?

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya.."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka."

13. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. "Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala"



17. "Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan"



18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"



19. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakatakot mahulog...at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.."

--------------------------------------
hindi...hindi ako tinamaan!
hinding-hingi!

bwahahahaha

it has been raining like crazy the whole day today...and i myself is going crazy over the deadline i have to meet at work. but here i am, surfing, blogging and doing all sorts of things not related to what i should've been doing.

geesshh, i am so not focused...so immature. so childish...and i still have no direction in my so-called life. can somebody poke me in the head?

i know, a lot of people out there would love to be in my shoes. i mean, i lost my job a month ago but before i technically lost it, i already found myself a new one. it has been like this for years now. each time i would think of moving to another company, i can easily get a new job. i don't need to wait for some time and be jobless for a while. but here i am, bumming when i should really be working my ass off to meet my deadline.

i've been like this for years now. could it be because i don't really like my work? and that i love to do something else? but i know myself...if i wanted to focus on something though i don't really feel like doing it, i can. once i put my mind into it, i can. (sigh) i soo hate myself. i am one pathetic bitch, i know.

or maybe i am too preoccupied with a lot of things lately? could it be because for almost a month now i am confused as to where i am really going...as to what i really want in life and who are the people i want to be with? i feel so lost...so weak. i always do.

i hate myself.

okay...back to work.

it's almost 5am, i have no work tonight and yet i'm still up. I am sleepy but i can't go to sleep. I am bored, restless and lonely

it's a long weekend. no work on Monday, and i didn't even come to work last Friday. I should've gone home instead...i miss my mom, my sis, my tita, and peng. I miss everybody. I miss him too. i feel so alone...i've been worrying bout a lot of things. truly, the saying, "when it rains, it pours" is absolutely correct. I wanna go home and hug my mom...but i can't let her see me like this. I wanna hug her so tight and be like a child again...cry until i fall off to sleep. I miss her a lot. Lately, she'd been like my bestfriend. But i really dont want her to see me like this. Mom's so strong, i wouldnt want her to be disappointed with me if she sees me like this...so weak, vulnerable and always on the verge of crying.

sometimes i look back and ask myself, what have i been doing with my life? Have i ever made people proud of me? I'm still the same old jheng like i've always been. childish, playful, makes a lot of wrong decisions, worries bout a lot of things...i'm such a schizo. or maybe i just pretend that i'm okay when i'm actually not. I want people to see that i am strong, but in reality...i am not. I am weak like a child. I still cry like a child when i'm alone. Sometimes even my mom's voice would make me cry. ugh, i wanna go home.

have i been a good person after all? have i been good to myself? have i really been a good person to those who matters a lot to me? i wish i've been...coz if not, i'd truly consider myself useless. Imagine, i'm 29 and i'm still like this. I feel like my life's going nowhere. I feel like i've been focusing more on things that dont really matter and won't help me at all. And so i'd feel tired...tired to do the things i really should be doing in the first place. Geesh, i really feel like a 5yr-old kid...a kid who needs guidance and somebody to tell me what to do and what not.

(sniff)

sorry for this post. it's just that i can hardly breathe. i am so feeling lonely...been like this for days now. and i just want to let it out. so please bear with me.

i miss them...

i wish....

...that one day, people would find me gone and no matter how hard they try, they won't be able to find me
...that when that day comes, they would know how much it hurts to long for somebody and wish that they could've done better
...that one day, i'd feel no more pain...no more happiness...and that i'd just be numb as a corpse
...that people would know that behind my giggles and big smiles, is someone with a heavy, broken (if not torn) heart.
...that i'd learn how not to forgive and forget.
...that i'd think of myself more
...that someday, i'll have the guts to go after what i really want and don't care bout those who i'd get hurt in the process
...that their first impression of me will somehow get true
...that i'd be selfish, inconsiderate, self-centered like most people think i am
...that one day, i'd get back to those people who have hurt me in any way and make them suffer big time for what they did to me

and most of all, i wish that one day, all of these sufferings would be gone and i'll lay myself to rest...to be forgotten by those people i've loved and cherished.

from: the invisible girl

Tagged!

people who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.Tag 8 people to do this quiz. those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who tagged them & cannot tag the person who tagged them. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. How has Blogger changed your life?
- made me meet new friends
- accompanied me during my "alone" times
- enabled me to express myself freely

2. What do you do before bedtime?
- i pray and wish that tomorrow will be better than today

3. What are you going to have for dinner tonight?
- i dunno...i want some chicken and pasta, but i really need to lose weight. so maybe i'll just drown myself with a gallon of water. LOL


4. What is the ONE place you want to go to before you die if you had the money and the time?
- PARIS and maybe visit Japan for the 3rd time and promise myself not to get sick this time.

5 Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
- what do you think? hehehehe..


6. What do you do in your free time?
- blog, read, eat, sleep, practice makeup, watch tv

7. Do you trust easily?
- YES

8. What personal belonging do you have with you everywhere you go?
- my celfone, lip balm, oil blotting sheets

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
- i'm losing my job


10. What is your best quality?
- that no matter how bad a person treats me, i always forgive that person and trust him/her as if nothing happened. but i am beginning to realize, it isnt doing me any good at all.

11. Is being tagged fun?
- YES

12. Why so?
- you get to know more about the person who tagged you, and you get to let other people know more about you as well

13. Do you prefer rain or snow?
- rain.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
- a beautiful person, inside and out

15. Poor but loved, or rich but hated?
- poor but loved.

16. How many children do you want?
- i want twins : a boy and a girl

17. What's better: to give or to receive?
- Give.

18. What do you feel about sex without love?
- nonsense

19. Would you have 100% safe sex with a stranger for $10,000,000?
- hmmm....let me get back at you for my answer. LOL

20. What would you name yourself if you'd been born the opposite gender?
- Damien

disappear...

... nakakastress ka.
... buwisit ka sa buhay ko.
... you make things harder for me.
... feeling mo kaw lang ang kawawa sa mundo, at ikaw lang ang marunong umintindi when in fact you don't get to understand a thing.

what would you do if these exacts words are said to you?

would you go some place where nobody would ever see you and cry endlessly?
would you want to stab yourself a thousand times til you hurt no more?
would you wish that you'd disappear forever?

...i would.
(sniff)

it all started with one wish: that one day, she'd finally feel that she's loved, cherished and longed for.

that's all she ever wanted, even when she's still a kid. yet, fate gave her something different. she'd always feel taken for granted, abused and most of the time, invisible.

it was quite surprising that being a girl with such one wish, and with such unfortunate experience since childhood, you'd expect her to be selfish, self-centered and probably somebody who'd like the world on her feet. but nope...she grew up practically giving other people the same things she ever wanted, and making them feel what she ever wanted to feel.

she might not be a perfect friend, nor a perfect child, even a perfect girl (who would be if you grew up in such an imperfect world?) but she tries so hard not to make everybody else feel what she had felt eversince she got to understand what LOVE is all about. sometimes, no matter how hurt she might be, you'd still see her cracking up other people whom she feels need some dose of laughter to make them feel better bout themselves. she'd pretend she doesn't have anything to worry bout herself at all...and that she's obliged to be everybody else's clown or life of a party.

sometimes, i would see her crying her heart out once she's alone by herself. she'd moan, wail like she'd been stabbed in her heart a thousand times. she would cry til she can cry no more. then she'll stand up, ready to face the world again, as if she's fine herself.

i would often ask her if she ever gets tired...and she would say yes. but she couldn't stop...or maybe wouldn't stop. she'd say she would only stop once she gets to feel what she makes other feel herself. she wants to be loved, cherished, longed for, wanted...and since she's not being able to experience that (in a genuine way), she promised herself not to make other people feel the same way. for she knows, it's hard. so hard that there were a lot of times she thought of giving up the fight. but she can't...and she won't.

she's not perfect...there would be times she'd come short of what she has promised. sometimes, she'll be as lonely as hell and would ask people why she feels so alone. she'd throw tantrums...she'd cry in front of people, as if she's almost begging for them to make her feel that she is indeed being loved. unfortunately, she'd end up being thought of as a selfish bitch...somebody who asks too much. little do they know that she's not asking for other things....all she wants is love, time and dedication.

"is it too hard? don't i deserve it? am i such a no-good that people would need to exert much effort just to give me that? am i that un-special? am i that unworthy?"

i am scared for her. scared that one day, reality would hit her. that it's possible that she won't be able to feel that way from the people she expects it to come from...and she'll come to a point where she'd surrender. a point where she'd give up...and tell herself that it's all her fault and that no matter what she does, she'd always feel alone and unloved.

maybe, if she felt special right from the beginning...she won't need to go thru this. maybe, if she comes to realize her worth, she won't allow people to pull her down and she won't feel like it's her obligation to make other people good about themselves while she's wallowing in self-pity herself. maybe, if she's stronger enough...she'd chose to be alone than to be around people who hurt her. and maybe, she'd be happy after all.

she's just one simple girl...looks complicated and all, but she is just one simple girl.

i hate you for making me vulnerable.
and i hate you for making me feel bad now that i am not talking to you.

i hate you.
and yet, my love for you is stronger.

crap.

"One Step At A Time"

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

[Chorus x2]

-------------------------------
my current fave song...exactly what i've been feeling.

are there times when you feel like you're going nowhere? you've been trying so hard to make a difference and yet, nobody seems to know about it? and even they knew, they seem not to appreciate it?

you feel like you can do so much, but the world's pulling you down...somehow telling you that you don't deserve to be up there...and that no matter what you do, people will still look down at you.

you want to be given a chance...one chance to show the world that there's so much you can do...you want to prove to the world that you deserve to be on the spotlight even for once. or at least you deserve to have your dreams realized.

sometimes we become impatient of waiting...we get tired...and in the end, we'd stop believing in ourselves. and instead of proving them wrong, it's like we've finally succumbed to what they've thought about us right from the start....that we are useless and worse, bound to lose.

when you are starting to feel that way, take time to sit back and assess yourself...is there anything that you could've been doing wrong? is there anything else you need to improve on? if you think there's none, don't stress yourself too much. just like what the song has been telling us, take things one step at a time. there's a reason why things happen...and if it's bound to happen, it will happen. if not, i am sure there are still a lot of things out there for you. just wait and see...

tata!

no air...

...i was successful in crying myself to sleep last night, that i didn't even wash my face. my head's aching so bad and i feel like i can only keep my eyes half-open because they're too sore from crying. i looked at myself in the mirror and cried all the more...feeling sorry for myself, feeling alone and scared.

(sighs)

i woke up this morning and checked my phone...i was waiting for his text "mahal, what do you want for lunch?" then his text came saying that he's there already and he's just using his friend's fone to text. i cried again. it all went back to me now...he's gone. he's there and i'm here alone.

crap.

my head's aching again...i've been crying for more than 3hrs now...straight. i know i'm being stupid, but i can't help it.

we've been together for almost 15yrs...and been together almost everyday for almost 8yrs. and now, everything have changed...and it's killing me. it's like taking away the air from you. i feel like choking and gasping for air.

i miss him. terribly.



...

i am not feeling well.
for days now, i feel like i have a flu.
my muscles feel sore, my eyes feel sore and i feel so effin' bloated when in fact, i haven't been eating well for days now.
i am feeling too lazy to move...to come to work...even smile.
all i want to do is to lie down, not sleep...but just lie down and do nothing.
i try to stay calm, composed and stop myself from crying each time i talk to you.
i try to act as if i'm okay, when in fact, i am not.

i want to hold you so tight and never let go
i want to be selfish and ask you not to go
now, just thinking of you leaving makes me wanna cry...

(sniff)

i came to work early tonight...
you left to have dinner with some friends.
i told you i can't join you because i am having a meeting, but the truth is, i just dont want to go and spend time with you. weird, huh!?

i dunno, maybe i want to get used to not being with you anymore.

(sigh)

past midnight, i stepped out of the office and went to starbucks.

i am not hungry, but my tummy tells me i need to eat...
then i remembered...i used to have midnight snacks like this with you. you'd visit me during my break and treat me to coffee and waffles. sometimes, you'd take me to yellow cab and make fun of me while i munch my pizza like there's no tomorrow.
now, i am eating alone...and will be eating alone for the days to come.
i miss those late night snacking...
those nasty comments you'd shoot at me when i overeat and then complain bout my weight afterwards...and i'd surely miss the flowers you bring me as a surprise for just-because occasions...and most of all, i will miss being with you.
no more pigging out on Baliwag chicken/liempo...
no more DVD marathons...
no more petty quarrels when all i want is for you to bring home some cake or icecream as a peace offering...
no more lazy weekends when we spend the entire day eating, sleeping and watching whatever's being shown on TV...
no more movie marathons (in cinema) on weekends when we'd find our eyes sore from watching 2-3 movies in one day...

nobody to go home to...
nobody to mess around when i just finished cleaning...
nobody to complain bout my makeup scattered around...
nobody to carry my big, heavy traincases when i go to wherever...
nobody to hold me and hug me tight and assure me that everything will be alright when i'm having a tough day, or at the brink of killing somebody who's causing me too much stress...
nobody to kiss me goodnight...
nobody to take care of me when i'd like to be treated as a baby...and nobody to baby when you are feeling sick because you were caught up in the rain (yes, you are that sickly...beh)
i'm gonna miss you, mahal...can you just not leave?
sniff....

...and i'll be dead.

yaiks.

not literally, though. but i'd definitely feel like i am going to be dead in 10 days. why? X will be leaving for abroad 10 days from now...and this is the first time that we'll be that far apart in 15 years (well, almost) that we've been together. sucks eh?

worse is we've been busy lately with a lot of things. me on my finals in school and now on my upcoming first-ever makeup gig on the weekend, and him, well on other things.

no.effin'.time.for.each.other.

darn.

honestly, i don't want him to go. why? well, for a lot of obvious reasons.
1. as i've said, this is the first time we'll be this far apart
2. it's not that i dont trust him, but okay....i don't trust him when he's with his guy friends just because of his over-pakikisama
3. he's sickly and can be such a baby when he's not feeling well. who's going to look after him when he's over there? the thought of somebody else doing it makes me wanna strangle somebody else's neck.
4. let's face it, the place he's going to is considered to be one of the sin cities of the world. too much freedom. too many temptations. freedome + temptation + friends = not a good idea (not at all!)

but what can i do? he wants to go, simply because he wants to save more. but heck, i really dunno. friends ask me if i dont trust him that much. maybe i dont. people who know our whole story would understand why i feel this way...while the rest think i'm just being a paranoid gf.

i want to get my mind off those thoughts...but how?

i can seriously enumerate a lot of ways...but let's not even go there. not a good idea, either.

so what's left for me to do?

N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

it really sucks....it really effin' sucks!


I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And its me you need to show

How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
Youre the light in my deepest darkest hour
Youre my saviour when I fall

And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do

And its me you need to show
How deep is your love

I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

————————————-
have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you start wondering how much the other person loves you…or maybe asking the question “does he love me more than i love him?” or “does he really love me at all?”
sometimes, we all come to a point when we would want to be re-assured of what they feel towards us. as petty as it seems, girls tend to be more insecure when it comes to what the other party is feeling. and this is simply because girls tend to give more…love more…and expect less, until well, they come to this certain point i’m talking about.

we often want to be told how much we are being loved…being missed and being wanted to be with. some girls may look strong, secured and confident when it comes to their feelings. but more often than not, these girls are exactly the ones who often need to be reminded that they are indeed special.

no matter how long you are in a relationship, we all need to feel wanted, loved and cherished at all times. yep, that’s how mushy we can be. we may doubt when you would tell us what we wanted to hear…but believe me (well, coming from a girl’s POV) we believe you. we just tend not to show it. but we are honestly grinning up to our ears. we can never get enough of love, most especially if it’s from that one person we love and we consider special.

some can even be so gullible that the words “i love you” will just melt their hearts and believe. and if that’s the case, these girls will be like slaves who are always on their toes for that guy’s every whim. and it’s sad seeing these girls with their hearts being broken sooner or later. it’s frustrating how some people would use LOVE to fool people. i wonder if they have a heart that can be broken too. or they just simply don’t take LOVE seriously. and i pity those girls who would do everything…anything to have LOVE.

to YOU…”how deep is your love?”

Labels or Love?


okay, let me get you in on a secret...i was never a fan of this HBO show. well, i got to watch some episodes...i can't say i like it or i don't. maybe because i just dont have an idea what the entire show is all about. all i know is that there are 4 girls, single...who loves labels (prada, gucci, manolo blahnik...name it!) and men! (well not all of them though). these 4 girls have different point of views in life, but one thing that's common in all of them is their love for each other. their friendship can withstand anything...
so when i heard that there would be a movie about this. i got excited for a bit, for at least i could get an overview of the entire story. i even bought DVDs of their HBO episodes...but most of the episodes i've watched would left me with the question: is love really non-existent nowadays? well, i am such a hopeless romantic biatch and hmmm, i still believe in love. i might have fallen flat on my face for quite a lot of times already but loving is something i wouldn't be afraid of. i will take the risks, no matter how scary it might be...because well, like many (?) of other people out there, i also want to have that somebody to have and to hold (geesh, mushy)
after our makeup class and lunch, me and the girls decided to watch this movie. i was actually scared at first that i might not be able to familiarize myself with the characters aside from the 4 girls. i didn't know that Charlotte got married already, Samantha has a steady man in her life and that Miranda has been married with a kid too...and lastly, i didn't know that finally, Carry and Mr. Big has been together for some time now. i was tempted to ask the girls beside me as to who that person is and what's his role, but i remained seated and enjoyed my popcorn instead. :)
this is one chick flick...but i tell you, this is one movie where almost everybody can relate. there might have been some instances in our lives where we played as one of those 4 girls in the movie. the movie isn't shallow, in fact, i got teary-eyed already during its first 30 minutes.
i can hear the ohhs and ahhhs of some people in the theater each time the girls would strut their designers clothes, bags and shoes. OMG! that $525 pair of shoes, i can't still take it off my mind. not because i want it but because i can never imagine myself getting myself not even i have lots of money to spend (if it's makeup, then why not!?) but well, the girls really look good in everything. i just love how sophisticated they look and act, even though they are talking about SEX.
I was totally heartbroken with Carrie's story (okay, no spoilers here). i can say that i was able to relate...but everybody had a happy ending. my jaw really hurt from trying to keep myself from crying...but at the end, it's really a feel-good movie.
there's one thing i've learned in this movie...friends will always be friends. they will never leave you no matter what. even if it means going to an unfamiliar place, trying not to eat foods and drink water that you may think unsafe and even poo-ing in your pants just to make your girl friend feel that you're with her no matter what.
and that's one thing i was guilty of...when i am inlove or in a relationship, i tend to forget my friends. i tend to just focus on my relationship with my guy and keep my distance from them. not because i no longer want to be with them...but just because i want to make my guy feel that he's the one who matters the most to me. i had learned my lesson though. there were quite a few times in my life when my relationship with a guy went on a turmoil and yet, my friends will always be there to be with me. there were times when i even had to give a lot of excuses so i can miss going out with them and just be with my guy. but there was never a time, when i was down and i called them up, and they didn't go to me to comfort me and make me feel that i am not alone.
so yes...this movie is for all those women out there who are looking for love, and for those who are not. the movie isn't about SEX and men...this movie is about friendship among 4 girls with different point of views in life and yet, were able to withstand every obstacles in their life together.
if you haven't watched this yet...you are missing a lot! so go get your girl friends and watch!
labels or love? hmmm...i already have the latter. so i'd go for the labels....tee-hee!

...

it's almost 9 and here i am, still sitting in front of my office computer. yep, i am still in the office. i should've gotten out at 7 but well, i am always late so i'm trying to make up for my tardiness. but i've been doing nothing except browse and watch makeup tutorials online...i am such a hardworker, i know!

anyways...i am again eating too much (as usual!) and ranting too damn much. i feel like i'm the ugliest and the fattest...i hate seeing myself in the mirror. i dunno why these sudden feeling of depression, maybe because my birthday is just around the corner? acck!

i've been always like this...getting depressed and frustrated, ranting all the more when my birth month is fast approaching. well maybe because i am getting a year older and still i'm a nobody as compared to my batchmates and friends...i know it's not good to compare myself to anyone but i just can't help it at times...most especially at times like this.

yesterday, i was on the verge of throwing away my makeup because i got irritated since they are piling up and taking too much space already. my stashes are beside my bed and sometimes when i move too much, they go crashing on the floor so i would end up organizing them again. so yesterday, i was cleaning them when i accidentally pushed the plastic cabinet and caused one of my stackables (with some pigments pots) to fall. apparently, i forgot to close or probably i didn't close them as tight so some of the pots so pigments were scattered everywhere. i was cleaning up when i again bump another stackable and the same thing happened...pots and pigments scattered on the floor. i was really frustrated that i threw the pots and the stackables away from me and i sat on the bed and started throwing tantrums. i really looked silly (and maybe funny).

but after a few minutes, i got up and picked up those i've thrown away and again started organizing them...damn, i hate myself for being such a childish biatch. if mom was around, i would've gotten hit right on my head.

another reason why i was like that (and still am) yesterday was because of the sudden retrenchment of some people in our department. bosses said we are downsizing since we've lost a lot of accounts in the previous months and i think we are still, if not, on the verge of losing more. it was like, whoa! it really caught us up in surprise. imagine people came in, then the next thing they knew they need to be outof the office immediately. sure, they would be getting paid for that sudden retrenchment but heck, it's hard to look for a job these days. now i am practically waiting for my turn...huhuhu. and since i am waiting for my working visa abroad, i just cant go and look for another one. i need to stay here...well until they kick me out too!

i really feel for those who were laid off. most especially those who are the breadwinner of their families. i actually feel more for the guy who really gave his best in this company and then, just like that, he lost his job. it makes me feel that nobody is really indispensable and that no matter how much you strive harder to give more than what was expected of you, they will just throw you out if they want to. no appreciation of any sort, no nothing. damn!

(sighs)

now, more than ever, i lost the drive to come in to work. i am finding it harder to pull myself out of the bed and prepare for work. i've been trying hard to convince myself that i need to work because i have bills to pay and responsibilities.

geesh...

(sob)

i still feel and look like a mess. my undereyes are still swelling, i'm so darn sleepy and bloated (ack!) and i don't feel like working! i just wanna go home and sleep. i sooo want to rub my undereyes like crazy but i can't. grrrr...

i keep on thinking what i've used to cause this allergies. but i simply can't figure it out, i've been on the same skin regimen for months now....so what could have triggered this? waaahh, if there's a doctor or derma reading out there who's reading this, can you please help me? i already asked my derma friend and she told me to just stop using anything on my face (smirks) easier said than done.

oh well...i still have 3hours to go so probably i'll just hang around and rant. i don't really feel like working despite the fact that i need to finish something today. my brain just wont work and i keep on fighting the urge to scratch my undereyes like there's no tomorrow. i still see little bumps near my eyes...they are so damn itchy! and my undereyes are so dry...i look old! waaaahhhh

if this damn itchiness wont go away for another day, i'll go and visit a derma. i need a second opinion on this. darn, i am hoping i won't be suggested to stop wearing makeup. please no...argh, no!!!

(pouts)

i went home early today after work...instead of getting out at 730am, i logged out of the office an hour early to go home. i decided to drop by our friendly convenience store to buy stuffs and breakfast.

as soon as i get home i switched on the TV and tuned in to HBO...heck, Music and Lyrics is being shown again. i remember seeing this on TV yesterday while i'm preparing to go back to Manila for work. so i sat in front of the tv, and watched the movie while eating breakfast.
i finished breakfast before the movie ended so i laid back and continued watching (yep, i lie down right after a meal..hehhe). so i was in the part where the movie's about to end...specifically at the part where Alex (Hugh Grant) is singing a song he composed overnight for Sophie (Drew Barrymore). I love the song so much...and just the thought of a guy writing a song to his beloved brings tears to my eyes...and whoa, i indeed found myself teary-eyed...geesh, i am such a cry baby. maybe i just felt like being in Sophie's shoes and the song really touched my heart.

DON'T WRITE ME OFF
It's never been easy for me

To find words to go along, with a melody
But this time there’s actually something, on my mind
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines

Since I’ve met you, my whole life has changed
It’s not just my furniture, you’ve rearranged
I was living in the past, but somehow you’ve brought me back
And I haven’t felt like this since before Frankie said relax

And while I know, based on my track record
I might not seem like the safest bet
All I’m asking you,
is don’t write me off, just yet

For years I’ve been telling myself, the same old story
That I’m happy to live off my so called, former glories
But you’ve given me a reason, to take another chance
Now I need you, despite the fact, that you’ve killed all my plants
And though I know, I’ve already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet
Don’t write me off just yet

i was laughing at myself after the song...i sat up and continued watching while finishing my cup of coffee. then the part where the song "Way back into Love" is being sung by Cora (sexy singer) and Alex. Again, i found myself teary-eyed...i tried so hard to stop myself from crying...i even felt my jaws getting numbed from trying to resist the urge, but well, what can i say...my tears just started falling. i felt like singing the song myself...felt like, i wrote each single word in the song. i dunno what's happening to me but i can definitely relate with the song.

WAY BACK INTO LOVE

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

(sighs)

i must admit that somehow, i lost trust in LOVE. or should i say, i lost trust in myself when it comes to LOVE. I came to a point where i started asking myself if i really know how to LOVE because, each time i'd try to love, things get messed up...my life gets messed up. and in the end, i'll be left with nothing but a wounded heart...more scarred than ever...more hurt than ever.

i even told myself to remember to stop once i feel i am beginning to love a person because i started to believe that love only complicates things. once you love, you expect...then you get hurt. i know one shouldnt expect, but we're just humans...we dont expect much (well, in my case) but at least expect that we'd be loved back...or maybe appreciated and not being taken for granted. sometimes we tend to think that it is love that we're feeling...only to find out that it's not...maybe we get tired of waiting for love to come to us that we oftentimes end up just trying to convince ourselves that we are indeed in love. but we are not.

we are all waiting for true love to happen...or at least find us. like everybody else out there, we know we are capable of loving someone, but we aren't given any fair chance to be loved back. i came to a point where i denied its existence...i locked my heart and threw the key away, but who am i try to fool here? At the back of my mind, i am still hoping for that someone to get the key and open up my heart again...and this time, try so hard not to break it but to hold it in his hands carefully...cherishing every moment with it and loving it with all his might.

(sighs)

what's happening to me? i'm being too melodramatic these past few days that even a tv commercial can bring me to tears...LOL. pathetic, i know...maybe it's because my birth month is getting near again...and you know what happens to people who gets a year older, sometimes they get too sensitive and dumb. hehheh

oh well...it's just me. the silly, getting-old me getting schizo attacks every now and then.

(sighs)

(time to change to my other self)

so now, let's talk about makeup...let's go to my other blog then...hahhaha

damn stupid...

"you brainless, stupid little biatch haven't changed at all! and you think you're that strong, independent and sensible woman, huh!? you haven't changed a bit...in fact, you're worse than before....and getting really more stupid!"

dang...i've been trying to talk myself outta this mess i got in lately. been trying soooo damn hard to come to my senses and realize that it's not really worth it. geeshh...how can i let myself get into such mess when i already am in one? can somebody just hit me real hard? please..on the head? now!?

(sob)

all these time i thought i'll never let myself be fooled again. well, i know i am stupid already...but to get myself into such complicated situation while i am already in one troubled, complicated, messed up situation is really one wrong move i made just recently. now, i just want to strangle myself and die. or maybe walk blindly in a busy street...

acccckk! i'm such a loser...

here i am again, ranting about the same things over and over again. sometimes i do wonder whether i am fond of getting hurt, emotionally or physically (masochist) or i am just plain stupid?

most of the time, if not all the time, people tend to abuse me. not in a sexual way, of course, but you know how people would somehow take advantage of other people just to get what they want and then once they got it, it’s buh-bye for you. well, until the time they would need you again.
it’s just hard to accept the fact that there are people who would take advantage of other people’s hmm..kindness? (or stupidity) i know that there should be a certain limit as to how much you would be willing to give, but the hardest thing for me is i can’t seem to make myself do that. i’ll get angry once i realize they are using me, but i just can’t seem to get enough of these for i still continue to trust and give them what they need from me or at least help them in any way i can.

sometimes, i wish my heart can be as hard as stone…or just be numb. that no matter how they try, i wouldn’t give a damn because i am so damn tired of people using and abusing me in every way they can. i do have feelings too…i might be smiling most of the time, laughing, cracking jokes but i get hurt too…but unlike other people, i don’t hold grudges against those who have hurt me. yeah, i get easily angry at times but after some time, i would even be the one to approach and talk first. so i guess, that is why they don’t take me that seriously.

(sighs)

woooo-saaaahh!

sometimes i do wish i can just walk away from all these things which cause me too much stress and frustration that i just wanna strangle someone else’s neck! grrr…

don’t you just hate it when you try so hard to make things work or do your best on something that you do but you still end up not being appreciated and worse, people oftentimes get this f**ked up idea that you are trying to be a “star” when in fact you are actually doing everybody else a favor by being that sole person to collate information from a lot of people just to make things easier for them. the least thing that they could do is, well…give a confirmation that what you’ve said or written are correct instead of letting you in on a surprise that tadaaahhh…”we never made use of what you’ve sent to us, silly!”

so tell me, just what the hell am i here for? if i am stupid like what you think, then lemme outta here! i can’t keep up with people trying to outsmart one another while pushing other people down.

grrrr….i so hate all of you. (not you guys who are reading my posts) good thing i am not in the same place where you are or else, i might have been convicted with murder already.

damn…i wanna kick your ass!


1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up..

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine .

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*** YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

Ladies, are these true? hahahaha

it's been a while since i last posted on this blogsite (for those viewing my Multiply site, you won't be noticing since i've been like a blog whore these past few weeks, and that's because i've been actively posting on my other blogsite "abubots" and both blogs are connected to Multiply) because i haven't been that emo lately since i've been busy with work and my abubots :)

anyways, i'm getting kinda emo right now. not really sad but hmm..kinda confused? or probably disappointed on some things that have been happening lately. actually, i think it's more of being confused and scared. it's because things are again starting to be well between me and you-know-who and i'm just scared that it will just again end up on nothing. yeah, i know that i shouldn't be that pessimistic but you guys (or most of you who really know me) know what i've or what we've been through. it's just that i'm beginning to really discover that just when you are feeling that you're on top of the world, being happy and all, the next thing you'll know is everything else starts to break into pieces and you'll end up disappointed, frustrated and hurt. kaya nga minsan, i get scared when i get too happy for sometimes, i would get to think of what's going to happen next. baka masaya ako ngayon later sobrang depressed na naman ako. so now, i'm kinda like on that situation.

but i am trying to enjoy the moment...i know that the only thing that's permanent in this world is change and that we'll never really know what would happen next so the best thing that we could do is to make the most out of every chance we get to be happy. stop worrying about tomorrow and just enjoy what today has to offer.

'easier said than done, i know. but i'm trying hard to do it...besides, i should still be thankful for everything that happens to me right? everything happens for a reason...it only depends on how we are going to take it. besides, He will never give us trials that we cannot survive.

so smile jhengky...life's still beautiful!