just in time...

was there ever a time in your relationship when you've asked questions like:
"how come there's no kilig anymore? it's so boring!"
"does he still love me? i can no longer feel it..."

once again, i received a forwarded email from an officemate about this. i remember getting this for the first time a few years back...and i must say, this one never fails to bring tears in my eyes.

and yep, it came just in time...

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My husband is an Accountant by profession, I love him
for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean
against his broad shoulders.

Three years of courtship and now, two years into
marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The
reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all
my restlessness.

I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive
when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the
romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my
complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing
romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One
day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

"Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no
reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.

He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep
thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.

My feeling of disappointment only increased, here
was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope
from him?

And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change
your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's
personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered :
"Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will
change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a
mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause
your death, will you do it for me?"

He said :" I will give you your answer
tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and
saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk
glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....

My dear,

"I would not pick that flower for you, but please
allow me to explain the reasons further.."

This first line was already breaking my heart. I
continued reading.

"When you use the computer you always mess up the
Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save
my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have
to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.

You love traveling but always lose your way in a
new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your "good
friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm
the cramps in your tummy.

You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will
be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell
you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

You always stare at the computer, and that will do
nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we
grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those
annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the
beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand... and tell you the
colour of flowers, just like the color of the g low on your young face...

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is
someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet,
and die.. "

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of
his handwriting... and as I continue on reading...

"Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if
you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside
bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...

I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious
face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of
bread....

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as
much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...

That's life, and love. When one is surrounded by
love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the
true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and
cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and
boring form.. . flowers, and romantic moments are only used and
appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true
love stands... and that's our life... Love, not words win arguments...

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LOVE is not a feeling...but a commitment. Feelings fade, most especially as the years go by. Honestly, being in a 15-yr old relationship still makes me confused about this. There would be times when i'd feel bored, and feel like my bf is taking me for granted just because he would fail to do some things he used to do. And just like the girl in the story, i would oftentimes ask for a time-off...or would just hold myself back, just because i am thinking that he's not giving me enough.

but again, like the girl in the story...i'd realize that i am wrong... SO wrong. yep, my bf would often forget about important dates, would go out with friends instead of being with me just because i am too lazy to go out and have fun. sometimes, he would totally ignore me when i am throwing tantrums about something i just decided to complicate. and when he does that, i'd say "you are taking me for granted!" only to realize that i was the one at fault in the first place.

i tend to forget the most important thing he does for me: being with me when i need him the most, supporting me in anything i want to do, be sensible or not, just to make me happy. he may not always be there when i feel like i want him near me...but when the time comes that i am in a bad need of someone to keep me standing, he's there.

i remember the time when i wanted to do business...he gave me money to help me start...and it didn't go anywhere. i just became too lazy after sometime. last year, he knew i wanted to take up makeup classes so he gave me money for the tuition fee. a few days after, i wanted to drop out because i don't have money to buy stuff which i thought i need...though i have a lot to start with. he then asked me to meet him at the mall, and let me shop for the stuff i want...err, need. a month ago, i was again having tantrums and complained a lot about waiting endlessly for a cab to take me to work. i wanted to move somewhere near my work, and he said No. i was mad...thought he cared less for me. then he asked me to take up driving lessons because he'd be buying me a car when he gets back.

geesh...now, thinking all about these make me want to bump my head real hard against the wall. well, sometimes, all we need is a little reminder bout the good things we have in life for us to feel a lot better.

tata!

Mondays...

i love Mondays...no more!

well, i used to love Mondays when you also used to make me feel that i am special and worth your time. gosh, i miss those times when i'd be crazy to be all giggling on a Monday and everybody else seems to be wishing that it's still a weekend. people get confused as to what makes me happy on a monday...little do they know that the thought of you waiting for me downstairs makes me happy and the thought of being with you for the next two days excites me like nothing else can.

i'd jump at the sound of your text telling me that you're on your way...and i'd almost fall off my seat whenever you'd send me a message that you're already waiting for me. i love the way you smile at me whenever you would see me walking towards you. most of the time, you'd frown if i'd make you wait a little longer but still...i love seeing you...i love being with you.

but now...everything seem to have turned 180. it's been quite a while since i last saw you...been quite a while since you last waited for me downstairs. i miss your laugh, your teasing, your smile, your jokes, your cooking...i miss you.

i've been longing for your warm embrace, your tender kiss and the soft whispers telling me how much you love and miss me. i miss holding your hand...i miss looking at you while you do your work...i miss everything about you.

i wonder where's that man who made me feel special all this time. i wanna shout on top of my lungs and ask "what went wrong? where are you? don't you miss me too?"

i am sure people would hear me...people would take notice...but not you.

it's sad to know how the person who makes you smile a great smile would be the same exact person who would make you break down and cry.

i wish you'd take notice...soon.

I HATE MONDAYS.

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pa-post ng kapitbahay...

have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you start wondering how much the other person loves you…or maybe asking the question “does he love me more than i love him?” or “does he really love me at all?”

sometimes, we all come to a point when we would want to be re-assured of what they feel towards us. as petty as it seems, girls tend to be more insecure when it comes to what the other party is feeling. and this is simply because girls tend to give more…love more…and expect less, until well, they come to this certain point i’m talking about.

we often want to be told how much we are being loved…being missed and being wanted to be with. some girls may look strong, secured and confident when it comes to their feelings. but more often than not, these girls are exactly the ones who often need to be reminded that they are indeed special.

no matter how long you are in a relationship, we all need to feel wanted, loved and cherished at all times. yep, that’s how mushy we can be. we may doubt when you would tell us what we wanted to hear…but believe me (well, coming from a girl’s POV) we believe you. we just tend not to show it. but we are honestly grinning up to our ears. we can never get enough of love, most especially if it’s from that one person we love and we consider special.

some can even be so gullible that the words “i love you” will just melt their hearts and believe. and if that’s the case, these girls will be like slaves who are always on their toes for that guy’s every whim. and it’s sad seeing these girls with their hearts being broken sooner or later. it’s frustrating how some people would use LOVE to fool people. i wonder if they have a heart that can be broken too. or they just simply don’t take LOVE seriously. and i pity those girls who would do everything…anything to have LOVE.

...including yours truly. argh

Bakit wala ka pa?
kasama ka'y parang nag-iisa
Pangakong magmamahal, aalis ka rin pala

Chorus:
Sabihin mo na
kung babalik ka pa
Para di na maghintay
Sabihin mo na kung aayaw ka na
Para lang malaman ko

Hmmm... Naririnig mo ba ako?
Sigaw ko ba'y walang tinig
Nakaya kong walang imik
Naririnig naman ako

Chorus:
Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para di na maghintay
Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para lang malaman ko
Hmmm...

Coda:
Iiyak na lang...
Iiyak na lang...
Hey yeah hey yeahhee...

Bakit wala ka pa?
Naririnig naman ako

Chorus:
Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para di na maghintay
Sabihin mo na kung aalis ka na
Para lang malaman ko

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"just tell me in case anything would change. i would want to know, no matter how much it would hurt. please, promise me that...."

and i held on to your words when you said you will. i believed you. i believed everything about you. and i started hoping for the best for us, though i know what we have is far from being normal. but still i hoped for the best. no matter how hard it would be for us...i believed in us.

pero bakit ganun? it's like the wind blew and in one snap, everything have changed. you had a 180 degree turn...or have you suddenly had amnesia? where are all your promises?

i asked you and you said nothing have changed. you had a lot of reasons...and i tried to understand. and finally, some sense knocked into my pathetic little brain...and i realized, you're gone. i have hoped too much...have held on too much...and believed too much.

i've been trying to defend you against me. i hate you for taking me for granted...but still at the back of my mind, i tried to reason out for you. but i already ran out of reasons to give myself. and i can no longer conceal the reality that you're not the same person who promised me all of those things before.

geesh, it's been so obvious all these time. how come i've been so stupid to realize that? bakit masyado kitang pinagtatakpan? bakit masyado kitang pinapaniwalaan? bakit masyado kitang minahal?

but you know what really hurts? hindi yung nagbago ka...but the fact that you didn't stay true with your promise that you'd tell me. i know i'll be hurt...but guess what, it does hurt all the more when you decided to just turn your back on me and act like as if nothing special happened between us. you could've at least be true to me...to yourself....that well, you've moved on? or probably, have changed your mind? i have no idea, really. what i know is that i'm left here clueless...nakabitin sa ere. laging naghihintay...sa wala.

why can't you just tell me? i am stupid...and stupid people are sometimes (or most of the time) in denial. sometimes, you need to be brutally frank just for us to really understand. sana sabihin mo na...para kung wala na pala talaga, iiyak na lang ako. but probably just for the last time. and then, move on as well. para isang sakit na lang, di ba?

do you hear me? do you have the slightest idea that i am hurting? do i need to shout on top of my lungs just for you to take notice?

tell me. i need to know. i need to stop crying soon...i need to stop waiting for you...i need to stop holding on to your promise that you'd love me and will stay with me no matter what. i need to hear it from you, that you've changed your mind.

please, sabihin mo na.