it's almost 9 and here i am, still sitting in front of my office computer. yep, i am still in the office. i should've gotten out at 7 but well, i am always late so i'm trying to make up for my tardiness. but i've been doing nothing except browse and watch makeup tutorials online...i am such a hardworker, i know!

anyways...i am again eating too much (as usual!) and ranting too damn much. i feel like i'm the ugliest and the fattest...i hate seeing myself in the mirror. i dunno why these sudden feeling of depression, maybe because my birthday is just around the corner? acck!

i've been always like this...getting depressed and frustrated, ranting all the more when my birth month is fast approaching. well maybe because i am getting a year older and still i'm a nobody as compared to my batchmates and friends...i know it's not good to compare myself to anyone but i just can't help it at times...most especially at times like this.

yesterday, i was on the verge of throwing away my makeup because i got irritated since they are piling up and taking too much space already. my stashes are beside my bed and sometimes when i move too much, they go crashing on the floor so i would end up organizing them again. so yesterday, i was cleaning them when i accidentally pushed the plastic cabinet and caused one of my stackables (with some pigments pots) to fall. apparently, i forgot to close or probably i didn't close them as tight so some of the pots so pigments were scattered everywhere. i was cleaning up when i again bump another stackable and the same thing happened...pots and pigments scattered on the floor. i was really frustrated that i threw the pots and the stackables away from me and i sat on the bed and started throwing tantrums. i really looked silly (and maybe funny).

but after a few minutes, i got up and picked up those i've thrown away and again started organizing them...damn, i hate myself for being such a childish biatch. if mom was around, i would've gotten hit right on my head.

another reason why i was like that (and still am) yesterday was because of the sudden retrenchment of some people in our department. bosses said we are downsizing since we've lost a lot of accounts in the previous months and i think we are still, if not, on the verge of losing more. it was like, whoa! it really caught us up in surprise. imagine people came in, then the next thing they knew they need to be outof the office immediately. sure, they would be getting paid for that sudden retrenchment but heck, it's hard to look for a job these days. now i am practically waiting for my turn...huhuhu. and since i am waiting for my working visa abroad, i just cant go and look for another one. i need to stay here...well until they kick me out too!

i really feel for those who were laid off. most especially those who are the breadwinner of their families. i actually feel more for the guy who really gave his best in this company and then, just like that, he lost his job. it makes me feel that nobody is really indispensable and that no matter how much you strive harder to give more than what was expected of you, they will just throw you out if they want to. no appreciation of any sort, no nothing. damn!

(sighs)

now, more than ever, i lost the drive to come in to work. i am finding it harder to pull myself out of the bed and prepare for work. i've been trying hard to convince myself that i need to work because i have bills to pay and responsibilities.

geesh...