Unhappy.

Terribly so.

sleep...

i went home last night with a terrible headache and a slight fever...i went straight to bed and just wanted to stop myself from thinking too much. thinking bout things don't help...it never did.

i felt like i was able to sleep like a baby. a good 10 hours have passed when i woke up. i was supposed to feel a lot better after...but nope, i didn't. i was disappointed that i woke up. i should've slept forever instead.

there are times when i wish i'd die in my sleep. i sometimes pray not to wake up anymore. i sleep when i want to escape the reality...i sleep when i want to feel at peace and safe...i sleep when i feel like giving up.

i want to sleep forever.
i am tired. really, really tired.

please, make me sleep and never wake up again.

...maybe i deserve to be treated like this.

yeah..maybe that's it.

i deserve to be treated like this...
i deserve to be treated like this...

i deserve to be treated like this...
i deserve to be treated like this...

why do i always have to feel that i am wrong and i falling short of everybody elses' expectations? all my life, i've been struggling to prove myself to people: friends, family, everybody. no matter what i do, and no matter how hard i try...i still fail.

sometimes i just wish that i wasn't born at all. when i came, i put lives in a big mess. growing up, i put people into big trouble and made them sacrifice a lot...and now, i'm still that same old pain-in-the-ass nonsense creature.

i can't seem to make anything that will make people happy nor proud of me. well, sometimes i do...but the aftermath would be a lot more devastating and frustrating. it's as if i never did anything right in my entire existence. i can't make sound decisions...i can't make feasible plans and worst, i can't even make my own life right.

i am tired. i wish i can just say "enough" and leave. but geesh, if i do that...i'd still be the one to blame.

what to do?

i realized...
... that no matter what i do, i will never be enough.
... that i'll always be at fault
... that i deserved to be wronged
... that i am one selfish biatch
... that i never really know what is love and how to love
... that i dont deserve any better
... that nobody needs me

i hate myself and i wish i'd get lost and rot in hell.

i always tell myself that i have no regrets in anything i did in the past. i might have lost in most of my battles, but what's important is that i gave my best. and no matter how tired and wounded i am after the fight, i would just shrug it all off and say "it's okay."

i wish i can do that now. i hope and pray that i won't come to a point when i would tell myself that i should have turned my back before. i am trying to convince myself that i made the right decision...and that i don't regret anything about it.

i wish i'd be strong enough to stop myself from saying "i was wrong..."

(sigh)

SHIT!

nahhh, i am not cursing...it's just something i got online. quoting from him, it means "So Happy It's Thursday!" tomorrow's a Friday and the idea of finally being able to sleep for more than 4hrs during the weekend's more than enough to make me giddy.

i am feeling restless, ill-tempered and bored. Restless because i haven't had a good night sleep for the past 4 nights. Ill-tempered because my car's still stuck at a casa for more than a week now and no repair of any sort has started. I waited for a cab in the middle of a drizzle last night for more than an hour and a half hours, and it made me a lot more angry than i already am for the past (almost) 2 weeks since the accident happened. don't get me wrong, i am used to commuting but the thought of my car still messed up because of somebody else's stupidity drives me crazy mad. geesh, i still want to strangle that guy's neck whenever i see cars that look like mine.

and yeah, bored. hell bored, to be exact. not that i have nothing to do in the office, but because i just don't like what i am doing. i am working since this morning, but i feel nothing. i mean, i know this isn't the right way or the best way to do this but i have no choice but to do what i've been told to do. and i so effin' hate it. i hate it when people makes me feel stupid...and when i no longer know who i can and can't trust. it feels like most, if not everybody's wearing a mask. i still hope this is just me being paranoid...like what mom has been telling me "give them the benefit of the doubt." oh well!

an hour and a half to go and i'm off.
geesh.

rant...

lately, i've been losing my temper over a lot of things. just when i promised myself that i'll try to be at least a bit more patient about things that i have little or no control of. but sometimes, things happen just to push you beyond your limit.

and yeah, i so effin' hate it.

yesterday, i had to get a cab for me to go to work. my car's in coding, and as a law-abiding citizen, i had to leave my car at home and commute...which is of no issue to me for i've been commuting eversince. i was so sleepy that i wanted to catch a few moments of sleep but the bumpy ride kept me awake. then i saw them...cars with plates ending in 5 or 6, speeding their way thru the traffic. and they are supposed to be in coding just like me!

i was furious that i asked the cab driver if the number coding is in effect in the area, and he said yes. geesh, so there i was, feeling all uncomfortable (and scared) with how i was being driven when i was just trying to follow rules...while those unmindful drivers seem not to care that they might be apprehended for being on the road when they shouldn't. and what's worse is the fact that are just being ignored by those traffic enforcers who are in the area as well. the cab driver said "swertihan lang talaga miss...tatakbuhan na lang nila yan pag hulihin sila." (it's just luck, they can just drive away when apprehended). tsk tsk...

and so what do you expect when your day started so wrong. not to mention that i just had 3-4hrs of sleep...and i was again late for work. i was feeling agitated the whole day...i wasn't able to understand a thing during our meetings and my stress level was too high for trying to convince myself that i can adjust to my assigned task at the soonest possible time.

of course i had to get a cab again on my way home. luckily, i was able to get one after just a few minutes of waiting. i got in, told the driver where to go, how to go there and sat back. i was on the verge of losing myself to some thinking when i noticed that the driver was trying to go on a different route. when i reminded him where to go and my preferred route, he was frustrated and even said that i should've told him earlier. ugh, i already did! i wanted to answer back on a more frustrated tone and blame him for not paying attention, but he's an old man...he's grumpy, and unreasonable, but he's old...reminds me of my grandfather so there's no point of arguing. but yeah, i hate it when i have no choice but to shut up.

i got home after almost an hour...man, he surely drives S-L-O-W. i was about to go straight to my unit when i decided to check on the car first. and what i saw really made me lose my temper. somebody (maybe some pathetic, brainless, uneducated asshole) poured some sticky residue on my car's hood and even traced the letter "B" for whatever dumb reason! there were also some trash on the windshield, as if my car looked like some sort of garbage can!

i just had the car washed the other day, and now this!? i had to wipe the residue off, or it will be much harder to remove it. i know that i cannot expect for my car to be squeaky clean all the time since i am parking outside (no choice, believe me) but what i cannot understand is how some lowlife can do things such as this to something which doesn't do him any harm. it was really pathetic. do they get some sort of satisfaction from being such an ass? is there some kind of "high" for bringing inconvenience to people you might not even know?

i was literally fuming last night. i'd slap that person who did this, or who would be doing this or any sort of vandalism to my car or any of my stuff. they have no right to destroy anything that they don't own...they aren't the ones who worked hard for it. i hate them...really.

i almost cried last night because of frustration. i talked to X about the car and he told me to just shrug it off. "don't worry too much about it, just have it cleaned." i felt sorry for him for he was the one who got it for me...but he said it's alright.

oh well...maybe i just woke up at the wrong side of the bed. or maybe, i was just too tired and stressed out from work...and these people who don't know how to follow rules, don't give a shit on what the others are saying or don't mind if they are are being such an inconvenience to other people really doesn't deserve anything and that it would be better to just ignore them...they are not worth it anyways.

(sigh)