effin' tired...effin' bored...effin' knocked out of my wits.

why on earth do i worry too much? i worry about a lot of things: work, friends, family...even the environment, politics, yadah-yadah. and i know i shouldn't...well, maybe a bit. but not to the point of draining my almost-extinct . when i should be worrying about myself.

fuck. yeah, i am saying it while typing. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!


maybe i just woke up at the wrong side of the bed. it feels like this day started so wrong. everything seems to be out of placed. first, i woke up late when i was supposed to come in early to work. second, the cab driver annoyed me to death. he kept on asking me about directions...well, i know it doesn't sound so bad...but why the hell does he sound so sarcastic and full of angst? geesh, it's not my effin' fault if he's stupid with directions. i am known to talk so loud that friends would ask me if i happen to swallow a mega-phone when i was a kid, but he can't seem to hear me each time i answer his questions. so he always end up on the wrong way. and he looks at me as if it's my fault!

third, i've been trying to contact my friends about a meetup this weekend. and nobody...not even one, replied. so all this time, i was expecting our original schedule to push thru thinking that it's final. WRONG! apparently, they had a change of plans...so now that i won't be able to make it, they would need to re-sched it again so i can come. okay, do i need to feel guilty now? nope...coz i am not going.

fourth, i am sooooo pissed off with work. i try to be as useful as i can but how come i feel like i am not part of the team? my efforts are being put to waste...i'm being bypassed and i have this feeling that the client thinks that i suck with what i do.

fifth, i worry about someone who doesn't seem to care at all. ugh.


i feel like my head's going to explode. i haven't had a decent sleep in days now and i still worry about other people...about a lot of things.


i wanna sleep.

i know i am supposed to be working now...but i can hardly concentrate with work. i just keep on reaching for those bags of chips scattered on the table. the project team decided to isolate ourselves inside the training room and we ended stuffing ourselves with endless supply of chips and other snacks. LOL

i saw this post from Tara, and i wanted to try it out myself:

so wanna know what "Anne Brigitte Santos" really means?


You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.
You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

(ouch...i got hit, bullseye!)

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.
You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

(so right)

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

(just because IAMSUTIL...hahaha)

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.


You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

(yep...though i like talking bout my issues, i hardly appreciate it when people start to give me advices. unless they tell me things i actually wanted to hear. i can be a uber stubborn, too!)

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

(hmmm, i confess that i prefer being away from home at times. i like being alone. weird, coz people think i love going out and being with people. well, yeah but i still prefer being alone. but not all the time!)

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

(oh, really? me a total package? wreck can be a better term)

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

(the last statement is soooo effin' true!)

wanna try? click here.

i got a call from a friend of mine...she was crying. i was still half-asleep when i picked up the fone, but i immediately got on my feet when i can hardly understand what she's saying because of her sobs.

and then she finally had the strength to tell her story:

"he was sweet to me...he was so eager to be with me all the time...he told me he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me...he was so thoughtful and he said he misses me all the time."

okay...as i took note of the word "was."

"but nowadays, it's like he doesn't give a damn. he rarely replies to my messages. if he ever does, it'll just be short...cold. it's like he had forgotten me...what i am to him, what he is to me, what we had. i wanted to talk to him about it but i just feel so stupid trying to get his attention. he'd say sorry but he'll be like that again in no time."

ugh, sounds familiar.

and i told her "i can only think of one reason...and that is, he had lost interest on you. so he's trying to give you a hint: giving you cold shoulders = it's over"

"just like that!? i am being dropped like a hot potato?"

"well...you can put it that way. telling you he's busy is crap. hello, as if it would take him hours to send you a reply...or days to give you a call just to assure you that he's okay but he can't just talk to you or be with you. he ignores you as if he doesn't care. oh maybe, he doesn't really care...anymore."

"why can't he just tell me that...right on my face?"

"(some) men are like that. they say don't want to hurt your feelings...as if they aren't hurting you already. probably they just don't have the guts to tell you that hey, you aren't as interesting, as hot, as attractive as before....so i'm gonna go now and look for a new one."

and my friend cried all the more.

geesh, sometimes i just hate myself for talking too much.

i know it hurts...and hard to understand. but it's just how things are. people change...feelings change. one minute they want you, and the next minute, they don't. they love you now, tomorrow they can love you less...until it's all gone.

unfair? yeah...but can you really blame them if they are just like that? cold-heartless pricks? oh, excuse me for the term. i know this isn't my issue. but i surely had my share of experiences similar to this.

i told her to stop calling or texting. sooner or later, the prick...i mean, the guy would call and would probably tell her he misses her. if he doesn't, well...forget him. he's not worth it. if he can't be man enough to tell you his exact reasons for his actions now, how can you be sure if he'd be man enough to stand by you no matter what.

she's hesitant...so i told her to give the guy a call and curse him to death. kidding....hmmm, maybe she can send her final message to the guy and then delete his number and his memories forever.

of course, it's easier said than done.

it hurts, i know. but it won't kill you.



Nitong umaga lang,
Pagka galing-galing
Ng iyong sumpang
walang aawat sa atin.


O kay bilis namang
Maglaho ng
Pag-ibig mo sinta,
Daig mo pa ang isang kisapmata.
Kanina'y narlang o ba't
Bigla namang nawala.
Daig mo pa ang isang kisapmata.

Kani-kanina lang,
Pagka ganda-ganda
Ng pagkasabi mong
Sana'y tayo na nga.
Kani-kanina lang,
Pagka saya-saya
Ng buhay kong
Bigla na lamang nagiba


kani-kanina lang
pagkalambing lambing
kani-kanina lang
pagkagaling galing
kani-kanina lang
pagkaganda ganda
kani-kanina lang




getting more hopeless by the minute.

questioning why life is like this (well, at least for me..)

don't i deserve good things in life?

how come other people out there doesn't have to worry like i do? i feel like i have lots of things to worry about...and that i have tons of responsibilities and obligations to take care of...while they just worry about themselves, and some don't even have to do that. other people does the worrying for them.

can't i have that as well?

my life is going nowhere...i am getting tired. and to think i haven't accomplished anything yet.

i'm scared...so scared that i'll just end up being a nobody. a worthless, pathetic bitch.

and what's worse? it's when you get all the blame and people would say "i told y0u so..."

damn, i wish lighting would just strike me here....right now.

has anyone seen it?

i woke up this afternoon (oo na, late na ako nagising!) and i turned on the tv and saw this.

ugh. i became teary-eyed. (yeah yeah, pathetic crybaby). bakit ganun no? hindi din sila ang nagkatuluyan. to think they have been friends since childhood...lintek, torpe ba si guy at nde man sha nakaporma kay girl? isn't it heartbreaking to see people who love each other (or might have something special for one another) not end up together? ano ba naman un? nakakasama ng loob. nauuwi na lang sa tinginan...sa reminiscing. accckk!

hay...nasobrahan ata ako ng tulog this time.