sometimes don't you wish that you can just turn your back on everything? or probably just ignore the things that happen around you or the things you hear? or maybe those that you feel? coz sooner or later, you'd get over them...BUT! after sometime, there they go again. and you realize you're in a cycle. and soon, you'd get tired. but, you just continue to go thru it all over again.

"tanga mo kasi," "tigas ng ulo mo," "wala kang kadala-dala."

...just a few of those hurtful words that are well, meant to knock some sense into your head. nakakainis diba, kasi paulit ulit mong naririnig. but the truth is, ikaw ang paulit-ulit. if there's one mistake you soooo love to commit e yun na nga yung pagiging engotz mo.

cycle. paulit-ulit. sometimes you're up there feeling so high and happy and the next thing you knew, you've (again) fallen flat on your face. maybe you just got so used to it that you no longer mind going thru it over and over again. aren't u getting tired?

you say you are. but for sure, in no time...you'd be in that same cycle again.

i wish you'd get numb na lang. or maybe become really selfish so you'd only think of yourself. sana you'd learn to love yourself din...or maybe just give a little to those who also give a little. kaso, mashado kang mapagbigay. remember..."you cannot give something what you don't have." so if u don't love yourself, how on earth will you be able to give love to others?

hhmmm...so ano yung tawag sa binibigay mo?

(just askin)

anyways, i hope you'd get tired...as in tired...or maybe fed up? kaso you always say nga na you had enough...pero ayan ka pa din.

tara dito, iuuntog kita ng malakas.

-----------------------------------------

nevermind me peeps, just another talk-to-yourself session.

tata!

like most, if not all, of you out there...i hate PRESSURE! may be it about work, lovelife (or the lack of it), friends or whatever, i soo hate being pressured.

for weeks now, i basically spend most of my wake time in the office. man, i work at an average of 12-13hrs a day! i go home just to sleep, take a bath and well, change my clothes. then i'm off to work again. geesh, so pathetic! i thought i'd have a life once i start working on a dayshift. i am so wrong! i can say that things are all better when i was on a night shift. at least i can still watch tv when i get home in the morning, or even hit the mall right after it opens.

i bought the book Twilight 2 weeks ago, and i haven't taken off the plastic cover until now. i have some makeup video tutorials to upload but haven't done so. damn, i am so dead. yeah, i feel like i'm dead.

and now, i am also being pressured into getting married. yeah, i know i am nearing my 30s and i am still single. most of my friends have kids already or are getting married in the next few months. and me? i dunno. maybe my daydreaming bout getting married are all behind me now. of course i have plans, but not now. when? maybe in the next 2-3yrs? i really dunno.

i know mom would kill me when she reads this. but what can i do? i just realized i have so much things to do pa. i want to have a REAL career (be in IT or in makeup), buy a car and a house, and a hefty amount of savings in the bank. i know i should have started on it a loooong time ago. but what can i do? i've been (and i think i still am) lost and i really dunno where i am heading to. i've been spending like crazy on stuffs that i know i won't even use. gosh, you know how stupid i am when im stressed...

i had a little argument with X about this days ago. i know he wants to get married na...but i need more time. well, he wanted some time too before and i had no choice but to give it to him. so i think it's just right to give that to me too. i am not doing this just because i want to get even, i want this because i have so much to do. i want to be successful muna...not that i am seeing marriage as a hindrance. but i hope you understand what i'm trying to say here. when i get married, i want to make sure that i can afford not to work for the time being that i am pregnant. and i want to take care of my babies and my husband too. and with the kind of work i am in now, that is way too impossible. i am sure, X would kill me if i go home around past midnight every weekday. i want to take care of them, and that would mean being a stay-home mom/wife. and right now, i cant afford to be like that. i would need to work...i have bills to pay for and have a mom and sister to help.

people would say i am running out of time. what the hell do they mean by that? am i going to die soon? LOL

it's so easy to get married. but damn so hard to maintain a family. i've seen a lot of marriage that crumbled...because 1) financial matters, 2) lack of common goal between the wife and husband and 3) lack of readiness to maintain and provide for a family. and i don't want to be one of them. i come from a broken family, and that's the least thing i would want for my children-to-be.

i know i can lose X because of this. i know he's getting impatient. and i am pressured.

what am i to do now?

sigh.

and i thought it's gonna be another WW3. goodness, am i being such a pathetic warfreak for thinking that way? (sigh). fortunately, things didn't turn out the way i was kinda expecting them to be. nobody apologized, but at least, it's over (hopefully, it really is).

i am not the type of person who holds grudges against other people. and yeah, most of the time you don't even need to say sorry. a nod or even a smile can make me realize that things are much okay now...or the "war" is over. and yeah, i still believe in "make love, not war."

who would want chaos anyway? who wouldn't want things to go as smoothly as possible? the least thing that i want right now is conflict. most especially in the place where i spend most of my wake time.

oh well...i really hope it's over now.

tata!

and so i originally planned of going out to have a facial and probably do some shopping for xmas gifts, yet i ended up just staying at home...eating, sleeping and watching tv. so much for spending a great weekend, no?

i can't remember the last time i just stayed inside the house (here in manila) and practically do nothing. i've been going home to the province for the last month and so it was again my first time to be alone on a weekend.

after eating my late lunch, dozed off again to sleep and some 3 hrs later, i was again tinkering with my stuffs. i was able to throw away some that i haven't been using and some i put in a bag thinking that i might be able to sell them. i took a bath and heated my dinner. after eating, i decided to do a video tutorial for my blog. then i was off again watching tv.

i was about to start reading "Twilight" when i got so involved with the tv show. well, it's about the love between two different people. they are different in a lot of ways...the guy strayed for a lot of times, ran away from his girl who did nothing but love him truly. he even stood him up on their wedding day because of another girl...and when he came back to her, she told him "i realized that my love for you isn't enough for the two of us. we need to find and love ourselves first, for that would be the only time we can truly give ourselves to each other." they guy told her that he'll find himself and would try hard to change. and the girl assured him that she'll wait.

and so they still ended up getting married. during the ceremony, just before the guy would give the ring, he took off his shoes and told the girl "i am offering you my shoes...to prove to you that i will never ran away from you ever again..." and that brought tears to my eyes. how mushy, i know...but i so feel what he said. imagine, they have been thru a lot...a whole damn lot and yet they still ended up being together. there were even some pictures of them and their family. now, they have been married for 28yrs and still getting stronger.

i laid down and asked myself, "will i ever have something like that?" eversince, all i ever wanted is a great family of my own...something i never had. me, nearing my 30s has still unclear vision of what my life would be in the future. i am not even sure anymore if i'd be getting married...and if ever, i am not sure when that would be. i have lots of plans for my family...but so little for myself.

dang, i am in senti-mode again. i am lost (as usual)...and confused.

geesh, why is it so damn hard to be happy.

When the night has come
and the day is done
I'm always thinking of you
you are in the air
You are everywhere
in everything I do

If I could keep this moment time
if I could make you forever mine
Baby I'm lost in your love
from heaven above
You came to bring me up

Chorus:
With you I feel that I could stay
in love forever and a day
When I walk alone
through an empty home
I just can't stop thinking of you

do you feel the pain
Could it be the same
are you missing me too
I see your face
when I close my eyes
I see a glimpse of my own paradise
you came from heaven above
I'm lost in your love

Free as the wind
you give me wings to fly

Chorus:
With you I feel that I could stay
in love forever and a day

Oh boy I feel I could stay
in love forever and a day

If I Were A Boy lyrics

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy

I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its broken
So they think
that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waiting for me to come home (to come home)

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong


But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (and you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy…
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i downloaded this song some night ago, and from then on, i can't seem to get enough of it. naka-repeat mode nga ang music player ko sa phone. LOL. i just like the song...anybody here who likes the song like i do? raise up your hands and feet!

from listening to the song, mejo natanong ko sarili ko what would i do if i were a boy. hmm, never did i imagine or wish that i be a boy. not that i like being a girl...its just that maybe, i have a lot of questions why men are like this and that. sometimes, i wish they become a girl so they would know how we feel.

but if i'd be a boy, here are some things that i would do (to my gf or asawa...):

1. i'll be more sensitive to the feelings of others. lalo na ng gf or nililigawan ko.

2. i'll try to know everything she likes...those things that will make her smile. kahit gaano pa kababaw, basta alam kong mapapasaya ko sya, gagawin ko. lalo na kung mahal na mahal ko siya.

3. she may not be my top priority (there's my family, God, etc..) but i'll make sure she'd come first than my friends. geesh, kung hindi ko naman sya kayang isingit sa lakad namin ng barkada ko, nde na muna ako mag-gf or mag-asawa.

4. i'll make sure to remember every important date in our calendar...lalo na anniversaries. i know how mushy girls are in such occasions. swerte mo lalo kung simpleng greeting lang nanggagaling sa puso mo ok na ang mahal mo. buti nga hindi humihingi ng kung ano anong nde mo kayang ibigay. matakot ka na pag nagdemand yan ng LV or burberry bag sa twing anniversary or monthsarry nyo.

5. i'll surprise her in any way i can. just to make her feel how important she is to me. i'll give her time and attention she deserves.

6. i won't take her for granted...ever! i know how it feels. so tamaan na ako ng kidlat pag pinaramdam ko pa to sa babae kung maging lalaki man ako.

7. hindi ko idadaan sa inom ang away namin. i'll talk to her and settle kung ano man ang gulo namin. from my experience, the more na kinakalimutan ang problem ng walang usap, lalong tumatagal ang issue. sooner or later, it'll pop up again. e ano kung paulit-ulit sha pag kausap ko? ang mahalaga, masettle ang problema. kahit gaano pa ako kaantok or kainis. kung kinakailangang himayin ang issue, gagawin ko. wag lang sha hayaang matulog ng masama ang loob.

8. pag napasama ko loob nya, i'll say sorry and make it up to her. at hindi lang dun matatapos yun. i'll try so hard not to make her feel disappointed again.

9. i'll make her feel that i always want to be with her. lalo na pag alam kong gusto din nya akong makasama. kahit magmukha pa kaming magkadikit na santol. ang mahalaga masaya siya at masaya ako...masaya kaming magkasama.

10. hindi ko siya iiwan at babalikan na lang kung kelan ko gusto. hindi naman siya basahan di ba? hinding hindi ko sha sasabihan ng "saka na lang...." or "sa ibang araw na lang...." i'll make sure she'd preserve her self-worth

11. at higit sa lahat, i'll always tell her how much i love her. kahit para na akong sirang plaka...coz i know, gusto nya yung marinig. at madali lang un gawin. all it takes is a few seconds to say it, and make her feel loved...wanted and cherished.

ikaw? what would you do if you were a boy?