and so i originally planned of going out to have a facial and probably do some shopping for xmas gifts, yet i ended up just staying at home...eating, sleeping and watching tv. so much for spending a great weekend, no?

i can't remember the last time i just stayed inside the house (here in manila) and practically do nothing. i've been going home to the province for the last month and so it was again my first time to be alone on a weekend.

after eating my late lunch, dozed off again to sleep and some 3 hrs later, i was again tinkering with my stuffs. i was able to throw away some that i haven't been using and some i put in a bag thinking that i might be able to sell them. i took a bath and heated my dinner. after eating, i decided to do a video tutorial for my blog. then i was off again watching tv.

i was about to start reading "Twilight" when i got so involved with the tv show. well, it's about the love between two different people. they are different in a lot of ways...the guy strayed for a lot of times, ran away from his girl who did nothing but love him truly. he even stood him up on their wedding day because of another girl...and when he came back to her, she told him "i realized that my love for you isn't enough for the two of us. we need to find and love ourselves first, for that would be the only time we can truly give ourselves to each other." they guy told her that he'll find himself and would try hard to change. and the girl assured him that she'll wait.

and so they still ended up getting married. during the ceremony, just before the guy would give the ring, he took off his shoes and told the girl "i am offering you my shoes...to prove to you that i will never ran away from you ever again..." and that brought tears to my eyes. how mushy, i know...but i so feel what he said. imagine, they have been thru a lot...a whole damn lot and yet they still ended up being together. there were even some pictures of them and their family. now, they have been married for 28yrs and still getting stronger.

i laid down and asked myself, "will i ever have something like that?" eversince, all i ever wanted is a great family of my own...something i never had. me, nearing my 30s has still unclear vision of what my life would be in the future. i am not even sure anymore if i'd be getting married...and if ever, i am not sure when that would be. i have lots of plans for my family...but so little for myself.

dang, i am in senti-mode again. i am lost (as usual)...and confused.

geesh, why is it so damn hard to be happy.