i always tell myself that i have no regrets in anything i did in the past. i might have lost in most of my battles, but what's important is that i gave my best. and no matter how tired and wounded i am after the fight, i would just shrug it all off and say "it's okay."

i wish i can do that now. i hope and pray that i won't come to a point when i would tell myself that i should have turned my back before. i am trying to convince myself that i made the right decision...and that i don't regret anything about it.

i wish i'd be strong enough to stop myself from saying "i was wrong..."

(sigh)

it's almost 5am, i have no work tonight and yet i'm still up. I am sleepy but i can't go to sleep. I am bored, restless and lonely

it's a long weekend. no work on Monday, and i didn't even come to work last Friday. I should've gone home instead...i miss my mom, my sis, my tita, and peng. I miss everybody. I miss him too. i feel so alone...i've been worrying bout a lot of things. truly, the saying, "when it rains, it pours" is absolutely correct. I wanna go home and hug my mom...but i can't let her see me like this. I wanna hug her so tight and be like a child again...cry until i fall off to sleep. I miss her a lot. Lately, she'd been like my bestfriend. But i really dont want her to see me like this. Mom's so strong, i wouldnt want her to be disappointed with me if she sees me like this...so weak, vulnerable and always on the verge of crying.

sometimes i look back and ask myself, what have i been doing with my life? Have i ever made people proud of me? I'm still the same old jheng like i've always been. childish, playful, makes a lot of wrong decisions, worries bout a lot of things...i'm such a schizo. or maybe i just pretend that i'm okay when i'm actually not. I want people to see that i am strong, but in reality...i am not. I am weak like a child. I still cry like a child when i'm alone. Sometimes even my mom's voice would make me cry. ugh, i wanna go home.

have i been a good person after all? have i been good to myself? have i really been a good person to those who matters a lot to me? i wish i've been...coz if not, i'd truly consider myself useless. Imagine, i'm 29 and i'm still like this. I feel like my life's going nowhere. I feel like i've been focusing more on things that dont really matter and won't help me at all. And so i'd feel tired...tired to do the things i really should be doing in the first place. Geesh, i really feel like a 5yr-old kid...a kid who needs guidance and somebody to tell me what to do and what not.

(sniff)

sorry for this post. it's just that i can hardly breathe. i am so feeling lonely...been like this for days now. and i just want to let it out. so please bear with me.

i miss them...

... nakakastress ka.
... buwisit ka sa buhay ko.
... you make things harder for me.
... feeling mo kaw lang ang kawawa sa mundo, at ikaw lang ang marunong umintindi when in fact you don't get to understand a thing.

what would you do if these exacts words are said to you?

would you go some place where nobody would ever see you and cry endlessly?
would you want to stab yourself a thousand times til you hurt no more?
would you wish that you'd disappear forever?

...i would.
(sniff)

it all started with one wish: that one day, she'd finally feel that she's loved, cherished and longed for.

that's all she ever wanted, even when she's still a kid. yet, fate gave her something different. she'd always feel taken for granted, abused and most of the time, invisible.

it was quite surprising that being a girl with such one wish, and with such unfortunate experience since childhood, you'd expect her to be selfish, self-centered and probably somebody who'd like the world on her feet. but nope...she grew up practically giving other people the same things she ever wanted, and making them feel what she ever wanted to feel.

she might not be a perfect friend, nor a perfect child, even a perfect girl (who would be if you grew up in such an imperfect world?) but she tries so hard not to make everybody else feel what she had felt eversince she got to understand what LOVE is all about. sometimes, no matter how hurt she might be, you'd still see her cracking up other people whom she feels need some dose of laughter to make them feel better bout themselves. she'd pretend she doesn't have anything to worry bout herself at all...and that she's obliged to be everybody else's clown or life of a party.

sometimes, i would see her crying her heart out once she's alone by herself. she'd moan, wail like she'd been stabbed in her heart a thousand times. she would cry til she can cry no more. then she'll stand up, ready to face the world again, as if she's fine herself.

i would often ask her if she ever gets tired...and she would say yes. but she couldn't stop...or maybe wouldn't stop. she'd say she would only stop once she gets to feel what she makes other feel herself. she wants to be loved, cherished, longed for, wanted...and since she's not being able to experience that (in a genuine way), she promised herself not to make other people feel the same way. for she knows, it's hard. so hard that there were a lot of times she thought of giving up the fight. but she can't...and she won't.

she's not perfect...there would be times she'd come short of what she has promised. sometimes, she'll be as lonely as hell and would ask people why she feels so alone. she'd throw tantrums...she'd cry in front of people, as if she's almost begging for them to make her feel that she is indeed being loved. unfortunately, she'd end up being thought of as a selfish bitch...somebody who asks too much. little do they know that she's not asking for other things....all she wants is love, time and dedication.

"is it too hard? don't i deserve it? am i such a no-good that people would need to exert much effort just to give me that? am i that un-special? am i that unworthy?"

i am scared for her. scared that one day, reality would hit her. that it's possible that she won't be able to feel that way from the people she expects it to come from...and she'll come to a point where she'd surrender. a point where she'd give up...and tell herself that it's all her fault and that no matter what she does, she'd always feel alone and unloved.

maybe, if she felt special right from the beginning...she won't need to go thru this. maybe, if she comes to realize her worth, she won't allow people to pull her down and she won't feel like it's her obligation to make other people good about themselves while she's wallowing in self-pity herself. maybe, if she's stronger enough...she'd chose to be alone than to be around people who hurt her. and maybe, she'd be happy after all.

she's just one simple girl...looks complicated and all, but she is just one simple girl.

"One Step At A Time"

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

[Chorus x2]

-------------------------------
my current fave song...exactly what i've been feeling.

are there times when you feel like you're going nowhere? you've been trying so hard to make a difference and yet, nobody seems to know about it? and even they knew, they seem not to appreciate it?

you feel like you can do so much, but the world's pulling you down...somehow telling you that you don't deserve to be up there...and that no matter what you do, people will still look down at you.

you want to be given a chance...one chance to show the world that there's so much you can do...you want to prove to the world that you deserve to be on the spotlight even for once. or at least you deserve to have your dreams realized.

sometimes we become impatient of waiting...we get tired...and in the end, we'd stop believing in ourselves. and instead of proving them wrong, it's like we've finally succumbed to what they've thought about us right from the start....that we are useless and worse, bound to lose.

when you are starting to feel that way, take time to sit back and assess yourself...is there anything that you could've been doing wrong? is there anything else you need to improve on? if you think there's none, don't stress yourself too much. just like what the song has been telling us, take things one step at a time. there's a reason why things happen...and if it's bound to happen, it will happen. if not, i am sure there are still a lot of things out there for you. just wait and see...

tata!

it's been a while since i last posted on this blogsite (for those viewing my Multiply site, you won't be noticing since i've been like a blog whore these past few weeks, and that's because i've been actively posting on my other blogsite "abubots" and both blogs are connected to Multiply) because i haven't been that emo lately since i've been busy with work and my abubots :)

anyways, i'm getting kinda emo right now. not really sad but hmm..kinda confused? or probably disappointed on some things that have been happening lately. actually, i think it's more of being confused and scared. it's because things are again starting to be well between me and you-know-who and i'm just scared that it will just again end up on nothing. yeah, i know that i shouldn't be that pessimistic but you guys (or most of you who really know me) know what i've or what we've been through. it's just that i'm beginning to really discover that just when you are feeling that you're on top of the world, being happy and all, the next thing you'll know is everything else starts to break into pieces and you'll end up disappointed, frustrated and hurt. kaya nga minsan, i get scared when i get too happy for sometimes, i would get to think of what's going to happen next. baka masaya ako ngayon later sobrang depressed na naman ako. so now, i'm kinda like on that situation.

but i am trying to enjoy the moment...i know that the only thing that's permanent in this world is change and that we'll never really know what would happen next so the best thing that we could do is to make the most out of every chance we get to be happy. stop worrying about tomorrow and just enjoy what today has to offer.

'easier said than done, i know. but i'm trying hard to do it...besides, i should still be thankful for everything that happens to me right? everything happens for a reason...it only depends on how we are going to take it. besides, He will never give us trials that we cannot survive.

so smile jhengky...life's still beautiful!

i remember posting a blog entry on another blogsite with the same title a year ago. i think that was the first day of 2007, right after our usual Media Noche and when everybody else was sleeping. that was when i want to have a recap of all the things that happened to me on the year 2006. mejo senti, since i bravely posted all the good things and even the bad or maybe worst things that happened to me that year. and i intend to do it all again this time.

hmm…so was the year 2007 been good to me? let’s see..

- i just came out from a long time relationship that ended at the latter part of the year 2006 so i would say that the early part of 2007 was spent still trying to work things out with my ex-fiance and at the same time trying to accept the fact that it was indeed over. (yeah, magulo…sometimes i’d be okay…sometimes not)

- january, with a lot of convincing from my BFF, i was able to travel to Cebu and experience the Sinulog. I was not really into travelling but she told me that having some time without him would be a great idea. So to Cebu and Bohol we went. Until now, i still can’t imagine how i was able to manage walking down the streets of Cebu while watching the sinulog festival na sobrang init ang araw…but it was fun!

- came february, i’ve decided to move out of “our” place and live somewhere else. yep, i waited four months before finally deciding on moving out. but eventually, i’ve realized (actually, both of us did) that it would be the best for the both of us.

- i got involved with somebody…but eventually, it didn’t work out. I dont really wanna expound on this topic, i don’t regret it though but i’ve realized that it wasnt really meant to be.

- i remained friends with my ex-fiance and we both agreed that we need time for ourselves. this i had a hard time trying to sink in my little stupid brain. hehehe

- i dunno if my performance at work finally paid off or its just that they don’t want me to resign like everybody else in our team did, but i got a salary raise. not bad na rin…but of course, it comes with a price. Imagine, being the only tester for all the projects being done in the company?

- i came to realize that those people i usually take for granted would be the same people that i’d be able to count on at times that i’ll just breakdown because of too much stress, frustration, loneliness, etc. i was finally able to know who my real friends are and how important my family is to me. i developed a stronger bond with my mom, it was like being a little child again who’s in need of guidance and attention. sabi nga ng mom ko, i came back to being a baby but the good thing is, she was given a chance to take care of me unlike before because i grew up without her since she was working abroad back then.

- as expected, moving on from my relationship with my ex-fiance became harder that i imagined. it was like being on a rollercoaster ride.

- i’ve realized what i wanted to do: and that is to be able to work abroad and help my family first before worrying on relationships. yeah, i am not getting any younger but who am i to complain if this is indeed the life that was planned for me right? i need to do a lot of thinking and exert a lot of effort to do what i most need to do and that is to love myself first.

- i was able to meet new friends from a message board, started to become active on other forums as well. it may be mababaw for others but i was able to find new friends thru our common interest, which is makeup :) and that really gave me the realization that aside from my current career, i also want to be a makeup artist. or maybe i was just trying to find an excuse for my addiction for makeup? hehehe

- eventually, i became so stressed with work and to add to that, the continuous struggle to move on with my life. i had difficulty sleeping that most of the time, i’ll just have 1-2 hrs of sleep a day. i tried taking in different kinds of sleeping tabs just to help me sleep but nothing seemed to work. i was like an addict trying to look out for new drugs to take. i know it’s not good to depend on medicines, but i need it or else i’d die eventually or lose my job because i can hardly concentrate on my work and a little argument with my boss stresses me to death. i had to see a doctor and finally, he gave me some medications to help me. i don’t depend on it too much though…i don’t intend to be an addict in the first place.

- i dunno what’s with the latter part of the year, but it’s when i get more stressed and frustrated. just before the holidays, we had to move out of our place and find a new one in one week’s time. it was also the time when there were a lot of things to be done at work. imagine getting out of the office at 5am and packing my stuffs and moving them out of the old place and moving them in to the new one? for 1 week, i’ve been doing that and in no time i looked like a dead man walking with these horrible eyebags. that was also the time that stress has taken its toll on me that one little bad thing that would happen to me would cause me to cry like a baby. there was even a time that i’ve been worrying too much that i lost balance and dropped on both knees leaving me with bruises that you see on little kids but not on a 28-yr old stupid bitch!

- but as the old cliche goes “everything else will fall into place in time” i was able to overcome all the not so good things that happened to me during the past year. there have been several instances as well when i really felt that God has been saving me from harm and from doing things that i will regret later on. He made me realize that despite the things that have happened to me, i am still blessed and lucky for having people who continue to support and love me for who i am and not for who they wanted me to be.

to sum it up… i can say that the year that was became an eye-opener for me. it helped me realize what are the things that are more important in life and to be thankful for everything that comes your way…be good or bad. everything happens for a reason and I know that He knows what’s good for me and what’s not. and unlike last year, 2007 ended with a blast since i’ve celebrated it with my family (as usual) but this time, it became more special since i was able to realize the importance of having these people around who really loves you no matter what.

so Happy New Year everyone! May God continue to bless us all…

so far, what is the best compliment you ever got? It could be ”you’re the most beautiful woman i’ve ever seen” or “you’re the best thing that ever happened to me” amongst others. If you’re gonna ask me, let me first say that I’m not good in taking compliments, so i can’t really specify what’s the best compliment i ever got. If people give me compliments, instead of saying thank you or at least feel flattered, i give out a smirt in return. I know that isn’t a good way to respond to compliments, it’s just that i’d feel more conscious or even think it’s some sort of sarcastic remark. hehehe, and i say i trust people too much, eh? (grins)

anyways, i watched “As good as it gets” today. I am an OC myself but oh boy, i am thankful that i am not as bad as him. He’s way too OC. Okay, i think the farthest i can get is making sure that my towel is left hanging properly on the chair next to my bed. i tell you, if i see that towel with one end not hanging on the chair like the other end, i can never get to sleep. another would be if i see my shoe boxes not properly stacked. sometimes i try to fight the urge to fix them, but i will always end up doing so. geesshh…do i already need a psychiatrist?

okay, going back to my question…i asked because in the movie, Jack assured that he’d be able to give Helen a good, if not the best compliment she’ll ever get. I was actually expecting that he’d praise her for wearing such a nice dress that flaunt her features but nope…what did he tell her then?

“You make me wanna be a better man.”

Awww…i was teary-eyed (okay, aside from being an OC, you can call me corny). Can you imagine your man telling you that? I would die right there and then if i hear these words. We all know that real Love should bring out the best in all of us, di ba? It’s like being inspired to do just all the good things. You give this particular man in your life the will to do great and be the best in everything he does. You inspire him…can anything be sweeter than that?
hayy…

Okay, you can now add “daydreamer” on your list of “about jheng.”