it's almost 5am, i have no work tonight and yet i'm still up. I am sleepy but i can't go to sleep. I am bored, restless and lonely

it's a long weekend. no work on Monday, and i didn't even come to work last Friday. I should've gone home instead...i miss my mom, my sis, my tita, and peng. I miss everybody. I miss him too. i feel so alone...i've been worrying bout a lot of things. truly, the saying, "when it rains, it pours" is absolutely correct. I wanna go home and hug my mom...but i can't let her see me like this. I wanna hug her so tight and be like a child again...cry until i fall off to sleep. I miss her a lot. Lately, she'd been like my bestfriend. But i really dont want her to see me like this. Mom's so strong, i wouldnt want her to be disappointed with me if she sees me like this...so weak, vulnerable and always on the verge of crying.

sometimes i look back and ask myself, what have i been doing with my life? Have i ever made people proud of me? I'm still the same old jheng like i've always been. childish, playful, makes a lot of wrong decisions, worries bout a lot of things...i'm such a schizo. or maybe i just pretend that i'm okay when i'm actually not. I want people to see that i am strong, but in reality...i am not. I am weak like a child. I still cry like a child when i'm alone. Sometimes even my mom's voice would make me cry. ugh, i wanna go home.

have i been a good person after all? have i been good to myself? have i really been a good person to those who matters a lot to me? i wish i've been...coz if not, i'd truly consider myself useless. Imagine, i'm 29 and i'm still like this. I feel like my life's going nowhere. I feel like i've been focusing more on things that dont really matter and won't help me at all. And so i'd feel tired...tired to do the things i really should be doing in the first place. Geesh, i really feel like a 5yr-old kid...a kid who needs guidance and somebody to tell me what to do and what not.

(sniff)

sorry for this post. it's just that i can hardly breathe. i am so feeling lonely...been like this for days now. and i just want to let it out. so please bear with me.

i miss them...