like most, if not all, of you out there...i hate PRESSURE! may be it about work, lovelife (or the lack of it), friends or whatever, i soo hate being pressured.

for weeks now, i basically spend most of my wake time in the office. man, i work at an average of 12-13hrs a day! i go home just to sleep, take a bath and well, change my clothes. then i'm off to work again. geesh, so pathetic! i thought i'd have a life once i start working on a dayshift. i am so wrong! i can say that things are all better when i was on a night shift. at least i can still watch tv when i get home in the morning, or even hit the mall right after it opens.

i bought the book Twilight 2 weeks ago, and i haven't taken off the plastic cover until now. i have some makeup video tutorials to upload but haven't done so. damn, i am so dead. yeah, i feel like i'm dead.

and now, i am also being pressured into getting married. yeah, i know i am nearing my 30s and i am still single. most of my friends have kids already or are getting married in the next few months. and me? i dunno. maybe my daydreaming bout getting married are all behind me now. of course i have plans, but not now. when? maybe in the next 2-3yrs? i really dunno.

i know mom would kill me when she reads this. but what can i do? i just realized i have so much things to do pa. i want to have a REAL career (be in IT or in makeup), buy a car and a house, and a hefty amount of savings in the bank. i know i should have started on it a loooong time ago. but what can i do? i've been (and i think i still am) lost and i really dunno where i am heading to. i've been spending like crazy on stuffs that i know i won't even use. gosh, you know how stupid i am when im stressed...

i had a little argument with X about this days ago. i know he wants to get married na...but i need more time. well, he wanted some time too before and i had no choice but to give it to him. so i think it's just right to give that to me too. i am not doing this just because i want to get even, i want this because i have so much to do. i want to be successful muna...not that i am seeing marriage as a hindrance. but i hope you understand what i'm trying to say here. when i get married, i want to make sure that i can afford not to work for the time being that i am pregnant. and i want to take care of my babies and my husband too. and with the kind of work i am in now, that is way too impossible. i am sure, X would kill me if i go home around past midnight every weekday. i want to take care of them, and that would mean being a stay-home mom/wife. and right now, i cant afford to be like that. i would need to work...i have bills to pay for and have a mom and sister to help.

people would say i am running out of time. what the hell do they mean by that? am i going to die soon? LOL

it's so easy to get married. but damn so hard to maintain a family. i've seen a lot of marriage that crumbled...because 1) financial matters, 2) lack of common goal between the wife and husband and 3) lack of readiness to maintain and provide for a family. and i don't want to be one of them. i come from a broken family, and that's the least thing i would want for my children-to-be.

i know i can lose X because of this. i know he's getting impatient. and i am pressured.

what am i to do now?

sigh.