i always tell myself that i have no regrets in anything i did in the past. i might have lost in most of my battles, but what's important is that i gave my best. and no matter how tired and wounded i am after the fight, i would just shrug it all off and say "it's okay."

i wish i can do that now. i hope and pray that i won't come to a point when i would tell myself that i should have turned my back before. i am trying to convince myself that i made the right decision...and that i don't regret anything about it.

i wish i'd be strong enough to stop myself from saying "i was wrong..."

(sigh)

nahhh, i am not cursing...it's just something i got online. quoting from him, it means "So Happy It's Thursday!" tomorrow's a Friday and the idea of finally being able to sleep for more than 4hrs during the weekend's more than enough to make me giddy.

i am feeling restless, ill-tempered and bored. Restless because i haven't had a good night sleep for the past 4 nights. Ill-tempered because my car's still stuck at a casa for more than a week now and no repair of any sort has started. I waited for a cab in the middle of a drizzle last night for more than an hour and a half hours, and it made me a lot more angry than i already am for the past (almost) 2 weeks since the accident happened. don't get me wrong, i am used to commuting but the thought of my car still messed up because of somebody else's stupidity drives me crazy mad. geesh, i still want to strangle that guy's neck whenever i see cars that look like mine.

and yeah, bored. hell bored, to be exact. not that i have nothing to do in the office, but because i just don't like what i am doing. i am working since this morning, but i feel nothing. i mean, i know this isn't the right way or the best way to do this but i have no choice but to do what i've been told to do. and i so effin' hate it. i hate it when people makes me feel stupid...and when i no longer know who i can and can't trust. it feels like most, if not everybody's wearing a mask. i still hope this is just me being paranoid...like what mom has been telling me "give them the benefit of the doubt." oh well!

an hour and a half to go and i'm off.
geesh.

lately, i've been losing my temper over a lot of things. just when i promised myself that i'll try to be at least a bit more patient about things that i have little or no control of. but sometimes, things happen just to push you beyond your limit.

and yeah, i so effin' hate it.

yesterday, i had to get a cab for me to go to work. my car's in coding, and as a law-abiding citizen, i had to leave my car at home and commute...which is of no issue to me for i've been commuting eversince. i was so sleepy that i wanted to catch a few moments of sleep but the bumpy ride kept me awake. then i saw them...cars with plates ending in 5 or 6, speeding their way thru the traffic. and they are supposed to be in coding just like me!

i was furious that i asked the cab driver if the number coding is in effect in the area, and he said yes. geesh, so there i was, feeling all uncomfortable (and scared) with how i was being driven when i was just trying to follow rules...while those unmindful drivers seem not to care that they might be apprehended for being on the road when they shouldn't. and what's worse is the fact that are just being ignored by those traffic enforcers who are in the area as well. the cab driver said "swertihan lang talaga miss...tatakbuhan na lang nila yan pag hulihin sila." (it's just luck, they can just drive away when apprehended). tsk tsk...

and so what do you expect when your day started so wrong. not to mention that i just had 3-4hrs of sleep...and i was again late for work. i was feeling agitated the whole day...i wasn't able to understand a thing during our meetings and my stress level was too high for trying to convince myself that i can adjust to my assigned task at the soonest possible time.

of course i had to get a cab again on my way home. luckily, i was able to get one after just a few minutes of waiting. i got in, told the driver where to go, how to go there and sat back. i was on the verge of losing myself to some thinking when i noticed that the driver was trying to go on a different route. when i reminded him where to go and my preferred route, he was frustrated and even said that i should've told him earlier. ugh, i already did! i wanted to answer back on a more frustrated tone and blame him for not paying attention, but he's an old man...he's grumpy, and unreasonable, but he's old...reminds me of my grandfather so there's no point of arguing. but yeah, i hate it when i have no choice but to shut up.

i got home after almost an hour...man, he surely drives S-L-O-W. i was about to go straight to my unit when i decided to check on the car first. and what i saw really made me lose my temper. somebody (maybe some pathetic, brainless, uneducated asshole) poured some sticky residue on my car's hood and even traced the letter "B" for whatever dumb reason! there were also some trash on the windshield, as if my car looked like some sort of garbage can!

i just had the car washed the other day, and now this!? i had to wipe the residue off, or it will be much harder to remove it. i know that i cannot expect for my car to be squeaky clean all the time since i am parking outside (no choice, believe me) but what i cannot understand is how some lowlife can do things such as this to something which doesn't do him any harm. it was really pathetic. do they get some sort of satisfaction from being such an ass? is there some kind of "high" for bringing inconvenience to people you might not even know?

i was literally fuming last night. i'd slap that person who did this, or who would be doing this or any sort of vandalism to my car or any of my stuff. they have no right to destroy anything that they don't own...they aren't the ones who worked hard for it. i hate them...really.

i almost cried last night because of frustration. i talked to X about the car and he told me to just shrug it off. "don't worry too much about it, just have it cleaned." i felt sorry for him for he was the one who got it for me...but he said it's alright.

oh well...maybe i just woke up at the wrong side of the bed. or maybe, i was just too tired and stressed out from work...and these people who don't know how to follow rules, don't give a shit on what the others are saying or don't mind if they are are being such an inconvenience to other people really doesn't deserve anything and that it would be better to just ignore them...they are not worth it anyways.

(sigh)

crushed.

that's what you feel when you've finally decided to let go of that one thing you've always want to have...that one thing you've always dreamed of when you were little and that only thing that you've always looked forward to all these years.

and do you know what hurts more?

when you pretend that it's okay, and it's no longer what you wanted.

and so no matter how much it hurts and how much it feels like its killing you, you have to accept the fact that it will never...ever happen to you. that one thing you've always dreamed of will never come true. and that just like everything else, you just have to accept that fact.

and of course, the best way to overcome this pain is to wear that mask to conceal what you really feel... the mask that you put on to show the world that you're perfectly fine and nothing can ever make you falter.

if they only knew.

...of being so scared of being alone.

...of trying too hard to please everybody and still ending up disappointed when they don't even appreciate.

...of being invisible and taken for granted.

...of believing in promises that will just end up being broken.

...of falling for someone who promised me to be always there for me but would still leave me all alone as if nothing happened.

...of making myself believe that i am actually good at something, when i am not.

here i am trying to shake off this depression that has been attacking me for quite some time now. this is periodic, i know..and i should've gotten used to it by now, but what the heck...i am just human, and i can still feel...i can still get hurt...and yep, I AM HURT.

i want to go and never go back. i want to disappear and let everybody else look for me...like what i have been doing most of my so-called life. i want to forget everything about me...like what most of those people have been doing. i want to be alone, and this time be really alone...like really having nobody...and not having someone or somebody but still feel like i have none.

if i go, would you look for me? if i disappear and never go back, will you long for me? will you ever miss me? will you ever realize that you should've made the most out of those times i've been with you? or you won't even take notice that i am gone?

i feel empty...it feels like i have been drained of energy. i feel tired and restless...i am on the verge of giving up and finally letting it all go. i know that no matter what i do, and no matter how hard i try, i'd always end up getting hurt...so what's the use of trying all over again.

i am tired of picking myself up after hitting the ground...

i am tired of those empty promises...

i am tired of getting hurt...

i am tired of putting my heart on my sleeve and letting someone tear it to pieces...

(sigh)

i gotta go now...and i won't be looking back. please don't go after me (i am sure you won't anyway) and promise me that things will turn out fine, only to hurt me again. please spare me this time. i've given too much, and since you can't give me anything in return, please let me go...

thank you and goodbye.

was there ever a time in your relationship when you've asked questions like:
"how come there's no kilig anymore? it's so boring!"
"does he still love me? i can no longer feel it..."

once again, i received a forwarded email from an officemate about this. i remember getting this for the first time a few years back...and i must say, this one never fails to bring tears in my eyes.

and yep, it came just in time...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My husband is an Accountant by profession, I love him
for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean
against his broad shoulders.

Three years of courtship and now, two years into
marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The
reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all
my restlessness.

I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive
when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the
romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my
complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing
romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One
day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

"Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no
reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.

He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep
thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.

My feeling of disappointment only increased, here
was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope
from him?

And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change
your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's
personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered :
"Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will
change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a
mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause
your death, will you do it for me?"

He said :" I will give you your answer
tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and
saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk
glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....

My dear,

"I would not pick that flower for you, but please
allow me to explain the reasons further.."

This first line was already breaking my heart. I
continued reading.

"When you use the computer you always mess up the
Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save
my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have
to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.

You love traveling but always lose your way in a
new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your "good
friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm
the cramps in your tummy.

You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will
be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell
you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

You always stare at the computer, and that will do
nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we
grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those
annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the
beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand... and tell you the
colour of flowers, just like the color of the g low on your young face...

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is
someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet,
and die.. "

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of
his handwriting... and as I continue on reading...

"Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if
you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside
bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...

I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious
face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of
bread....

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as
much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...

That's life, and love. When one is surrounded by
love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the
true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and
cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and
boring form.. . flowers, and romantic moments are only used and
appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true
love stands... and that's our life... Love, not words win arguments...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOVE is not a feeling...but a commitment. Feelings fade, most especially as the years go by. Honestly, being in a 15-yr old relationship still makes me confused about this. There would be times when i'd feel bored, and feel like my bf is taking me for granted just because he would fail to do some things he used to do. And just like the girl in the story, i would oftentimes ask for a time-off...or would just hold myself back, just because i am thinking that he's not giving me enough.

but again, like the girl in the story...i'd realize that i am wrong... SO wrong. yep, my bf would often forget about important dates, would go out with friends instead of being with me just because i am too lazy to go out and have fun. sometimes, he would totally ignore me when i am throwing tantrums about something i just decided to complicate. and when he does that, i'd say "you are taking me for granted!" only to realize that i was the one at fault in the first place.

i tend to forget the most important thing he does for me: being with me when i need him the most, supporting me in anything i want to do, be sensible or not, just to make me happy. he may not always be there when i feel like i want him near me...but when the time comes that i am in a bad need of someone to keep me standing, he's there.

i remember the time when i wanted to do business...he gave me money to help me start...and it didn't go anywhere. i just became too lazy after sometime. last year, he knew i wanted to take up makeup classes so he gave me money for the tuition fee. a few days after, i wanted to drop out because i don't have money to buy stuff which i thought i need...though i have a lot to start with. he then asked me to meet him at the mall, and let me shop for the stuff i want...err, need. a month ago, i was again having tantrums and complained a lot about waiting endlessly for a cab to take me to work. i wanted to move somewhere near my work, and he said No. i was mad...thought he cared less for me. then he asked me to take up driving lessons because he'd be buying me a car when he gets back.

geesh...now, thinking all about these make me want to bump my head real hard against the wall. well, sometimes, all we need is a little reminder bout the good things we have in life for us to feel a lot better.

tata!

i love Mondays...no more!

well, i used to love Mondays when you also used to make me feel that i am special and worth your time. gosh, i miss those times when i'd be crazy to be all giggling on a Monday and everybody else seems to be wishing that it's still a weekend. people get confused as to what makes me happy on a monday...little do they know that the thought of you waiting for me downstairs makes me happy and the thought of being with you for the next two days excites me like nothing else can.

i'd jump at the sound of your text telling me that you're on your way...and i'd almost fall off my seat whenever you'd send me a message that you're already waiting for me. i love the way you smile at me whenever you would see me walking towards you. most of the time, you'd frown if i'd make you wait a little longer but still...i love seeing you...i love being with you.

but now...everything seem to have turned 180. it's been quite a while since i last saw you...been quite a while since you last waited for me downstairs. i miss your laugh, your teasing, your smile, your jokes, your cooking...i miss you.

i've been longing for your warm embrace, your tender kiss and the soft whispers telling me how much you love and miss me. i miss holding your hand...i miss looking at you while you do your work...i miss everything about you.

i wonder where's that man who made me feel special all this time. i wanna shout on top of my lungs and ask "what went wrong? where are you? don't you miss me too?"

i am sure people would hear me...people would take notice...but not you.

it's sad to know how the person who makes you smile a great smile would be the same exact person who would make you break down and cry.

i wish you'd take notice...soon.

I HATE MONDAYS.

--------------------------------------------
pa-post ng kapitbahay...

have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you start wondering how much the other person loves you…or maybe asking the question “does he love me more than i love him?” or “does he really love me at all?”

sometimes, we all come to a point when we would want to be re-assured of what they feel towards us. as petty as it seems, girls tend to be more insecure when it comes to what the other party is feeling. and this is simply because girls tend to give more…love more…and expect less, until well, they come to this certain point i’m talking about.

we often want to be told how much we are being loved…being missed and being wanted to be with. some girls may look strong, secured and confident when it comes to their feelings. but more often than not, these girls are exactly the ones who often need to be reminded that they are indeed special.

no matter how long you are in a relationship, we all need to feel wanted, loved and cherished at all times. yep, that’s how mushy we can be. we may doubt when you would tell us what we wanted to hear…but believe me (well, coming from a girl’s POV) we believe you. we just tend not to show it. but we are honestly grinning up to our ears. we can never get enough of love, most especially if it’s from that one person we love and we consider special.

some can even be so gullible that the words “i love you” will just melt their hearts and believe. and if that’s the case, these girls will be like slaves who are always on their toes for that guy’s every whim. and it’s sad seeing these girls with their hearts being broken sooner or later. it’s frustrating how some people would use LOVE to fool people. i wonder if they have a heart that can be broken too. or they just simply don’t take LOVE seriously. and i pity those girls who would do everything…anything to have LOVE.

...including yours truly. argh

Bakit wala ka pa?
kasama ka'y parang nag-iisa
Pangakong magmamahal, aalis ka rin pala

Chorus:
Sabihin mo na
kung babalik ka pa
Para di na maghintay
Sabihin mo na kung aayaw ka na
Para lang malaman ko

Hmmm... Naririnig mo ba ako?
Sigaw ko ba'y walang tinig
Nakaya kong walang imik
Naririnig naman ako

Chorus:
Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para di na maghintay
Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para lang malaman ko
Hmmm...

Coda:
Iiyak na lang...
Iiyak na lang...
Hey yeah hey yeahhee...

Bakit wala ka pa?
Naririnig naman ako

Chorus:
Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para di na maghintay
Sabihin mo na kung aalis ka na
Para lang malaman ko

--------------------------------------------------------------
"just tell me in case anything would change. i would want to know, no matter how much it would hurt. please, promise me that...."

and i held on to your words when you said you will. i believed you. i believed everything about you. and i started hoping for the best for us, though i know what we have is far from being normal. but still i hoped for the best. no matter how hard it would be for us...i believed in us.

pero bakit ganun? it's like the wind blew and in one snap, everything have changed. you had a 180 degree turn...or have you suddenly had amnesia? where are all your promises?

i asked you and you said nothing have changed. you had a lot of reasons...and i tried to understand. and finally, some sense knocked into my pathetic little brain...and i realized, you're gone. i have hoped too much...have held on too much...and believed too much.

i've been trying to defend you against me. i hate you for taking me for granted...but still at the back of my mind, i tried to reason out for you. but i already ran out of reasons to give myself. and i can no longer conceal the reality that you're not the same person who promised me all of those things before.

geesh, it's been so obvious all these time. how come i've been so stupid to realize that? bakit masyado kitang pinagtatakpan? bakit masyado kitang pinapaniwalaan? bakit masyado kitang minahal?

but you know what really hurts? hindi yung nagbago ka...but the fact that you didn't stay true with your promise that you'd tell me. i know i'll be hurt...but guess what, it does hurt all the more when you decided to just turn your back on me and act like as if nothing special happened between us. you could've at least be true to me...to yourself....that well, you've moved on? or probably, have changed your mind? i have no idea, really. what i know is that i'm left here clueless...nakabitin sa ere. laging naghihintay...sa wala.

why can't you just tell me? i am stupid...and stupid people are sometimes (or most of the time) in denial. sometimes, you need to be brutally frank just for us to really understand. sana sabihin mo na...para kung wala na pala talaga, iiyak na lang ako. but probably just for the last time. and then, move on as well. para isang sakit na lang, di ba?

do you hear me? do you have the slightest idea that i am hurting? do i need to shout on top of my lungs just for you to take notice?

tell me. i need to know. i need to stop crying soon...i need to stop waiting for you...i need to stop holding on to your promise that you'd love me and will stay with me no matter what. i need to hear it from you, that you've changed your mind.

please, sabihin mo na.

sometimes, don't you wish to just disappear and leave everything else behind you? do you ever get tired of meeting other people's expectations and then apologize when you fall short?

minsan naman, you get tired of pretending to be okay when in fact, you're not. and then people will sort of feel bad when you feel bad just because they always expect you to be okay and be their clown. it's like you have no right to be sad or to stop being happy because you're the one who makes them happy.

i am tired. i know i tend to show a different me all the time. yeah, i'm an active (i think) beauty blogger and people might often think of me as somebody who doesn't care about anything else but makeup and how to stay beautiful. probably the only adjective they can think of about me is "vain" and that's it. period. but i am not.

i do think about something else. a whole lot something else. sometimes i get tired by just sitting because i have my mind thinking about a lot of things. what i would do today, what i would need to do tomorrow...and where will i be the next few days. i think about my family...how on earth can i help them and of course, i also think of where would i be years from now.

i must admit, i am not getting any younger. wtf, i am turning 30 next month and here i am...still a nobody, and having nothing. i honestly think that i haven't done anything good in my life. and that i haven't met any of my goals. i see other people being happy with their lives...seeing pictures of them with their families (husbands, wives and kids) and me? well, i do have pictures of my dogs...and err, will the pictures of my makeup count?

sigh.

i hate it when i feel like this. i feel all messed up and lost. i am tired of giving and meeting people's expectation....when they meet a little of what i expect from them in return. then i end up swallowing my pride and being the one apologizing when i should be the one getting mad instead. i hate myself when i cant stay mad at a person longer.

i know i am not smart...nor wise. i know too that i am not rich, nor famous. i just wish i am happy and yeah, maybe stable.

and i damn wish that people won't leave me just like that.

Rodney, Eva, Crischelle and Vernon

Crischell, Vernon, Iamsutil and Evalyn

it's almost 2AM, and i'm still in the office. i am guessing i am alone...i am not quite sure though for i am practically isolated in the training room. our project team have been held "hostage" in this room for weeks now, for our project deployment. we're done with the deployment, but not sure until when we'd be staying in this room. honestly, i prefer to be here rather than stay where the other employees are. don't get me wrong...i am not being an anti-social or something...its just i like it here better.

so anyways...i was supposed to catch the last bus going to the province. but i missed it. actually, i did it on purpose. i was out earlier with some officemates to visit the CROCS sale...talk about suckers for SALES, huh!? hehehe, unfortunately, we came in late. so we went there in vain.

we then passed by my The Fort...where i'd be working next soon. I dunno if i'm supposed to be excited about it or not. I must admit, i'd be sad to leave my friends here in the office. I enjoy their company and though we tend to throw sarcastic jokes at one another most of the time, i love them. we've been thru hell in this project...but i think we went thru it anyways. they are not merely my officemates...but my friends. i will surely miss them.

sigh.

i've been thinking about a lot of things lately (i always do!) i know there are things i need to act upon the soonest possible time, but i just can't bring myself to it. i'm not the type who hates changes, i think you'd know that by now...but i just don't want people to get hurt, or get myself hurt in the process. my life has been so complicated all these years, and i think i just make it more complicated by entangling myself into things i am not even sure that i can handle. i am such a masochist, you know.

i need to revamp my life, i know. i know what i have to do, and why i have to do it. but, for the life of me, i just don't want to do it right away.

yeah, call me stupid.

even stubborn.

i've been wasting time, i know. i'm turning 30 this year, and i haven't gotten anything i can be proud of. geesh, if only i can be proud of my makeup collection...lol!

damn...

...37 minutes past 2AM, and i am still in the office. i can feel my head spinning and my eyes half closed. i haven't slept much for a couple of days now. it's a saturday today but i barely have 3 hours to sleep before i prepare for a shoot at 9AM. dang, i wish i can still come up with something beautiful for my client despite my lack of sleep. or probably, it's better if i pray that i get up on time.

sigh.

it's hell week this past week in the office...and for the next weeks to come. on top of that, i have gigs lined up. i want to take a break....i am so damn tired. and yep, sleepy.

good thing i'm not breaking out (yet)...but i can feel they are popping out soon.

i can't stop looking at myself on the mirror. i look so haggard, and my eyes...terrible!

i feel like i've been missing a lot nowadays...but at least, i get to stop worrying bout some things for a while.

ugh. gotta go now...

'twas just one-of-those days in the office. yesterday, i was working from home. i hate the office...i hate the project, and yeah...i hate some people that i work with. i know that the word "hate" comes too strong. but this is me, i may tell you "i hate you" often but for me it just means "i don't like you NOW." so there.

anyways, so i had no choice but to come in to the office today. i basically ran out of reasons why i would need to stay at home instead. so i literally had to drag my pathetic ass and go to work. my day started okay, but i must admit, i am TRYING SO HARD to focus with work. a lot of things have been happening in the office, and soon...God forbid, i might be losing my job AGAIN.

but you know what...i do feel that HE really loves me. i know i have been doing a lot of bad things lately, and worse, i might have been forgetting to praise and thank HIM. but HE continues to shower me with blessings.

last monday, i had an interview (just when i am on the verge of losing my job for the second time)...and yesterday, i got a schedule for another interview with the same company. and it turned out fine! i don't have any good news yet but hey, to know that the interviewers are impressed with you is one good reason to be happy and perhaps, be proud of? i mean, i haven't lost my job yet and here it is...another prospect (i hope). this happened to me for a lot of times already. i remember last year, when i got declared as redundant, i was able to find a job even before my last day at the office. and now, this. i am not yet sure if i'd be able to get this job, but it did give me a reason to smile and believe that HE gives me signs that there is still hope.

another thing...i stumbled upon a blog, a very inspiring blog. i get teary-eyed with every post i was able to read. and yep, i read ALL of it in one sitting. (and just when i really need to finish my office tasks, no?) i love all his posts. made me stop and ponder about life...about all the things i have to be thankful for, and stop worrying about a lot of things that have no sense at all. it made me feel ashamed of myself, because i whine endlessly when there are a lot of people out there who might have a bigger problem than me but are still thankful about the little things they get everyday. his posts are touching, and i admire him on how he expresses himself in his writings. i wish i can be like that too....damn, i wish i have a blog like that too. one that inspires and make people really think about life. i have a blog that talks about makeup, and this one that well, about my endless and nonsense ramblings.

and oh, here's the blog: TYNETHOUGHTS

Sunday, 30 mins past 1 in the morning....

yep...i am working from home at this time!

ugh.

and i thought i'd be able to run the scripts i've created last week...apparently, i won't be able to. the permissions set to the user i've created are all messed up. instead of just being a member, they gave it ADMIN rights. so yeah, i won't be able to execute my now-ready scripts. instead of execution, i would need to resort to creation of those effin' scripts for an ADMIN user.

dammit.

sniff.

but of course, they do need to SORT out the permission settings FIRST.

oh wells...what else is new, no!?

good thing i can't be in real bad mood today. i just had a great dinner with family at Seafood by the bay in Subic...and of course, food is one good reason for one to stay in a good mood. BURP. i am so FULL, and man, i mean FULL! goodluck to fitting myself in my office slacks next week.

okay, okay..other things i have to be thankful for:

- mom's done with the operation. there were some benign (thank God, they are!) cysts that were removed.
- X is feeling a lot better now. at least, he's now being able to get a good night sleep
- my new loots! ugh, read my other blog for more details (wink)
- i am with my family this weekend.

so there. i guess working from home at this time of night, err, morning is not really bad. at least i am with my family and to top it all, i have a great view of my sister now asleep (frowning, mouth slightly open and all....tee-hee)

nyt everyone...gotta get back to work!

ciao.

knees are weak....
eyes are half-closed...
hands are cold...
can't focus...
feeling dead tired...

am i dying? sometimes, i wish i just am. i want all these things to end. my body's resting but my mind seems to be running in circles. my life's worse than a big rollercoaster ride. i'm tired of anticipating what comes next...and how soon will i fall flat on my face again.

i want some fresh air. i want to be somewhere else. anywhere but here.

i'm really getting bored.

i want to feel excitement again...i want to feel different again.

i no longer want to be ME.

hmp!

uh-oh, a rant post (kinda).

okay, so i was busy with work when a friend of mine popped up a message asking "so where's your date this coming V-day?"

huh? wut the hell...

i closed the window and signed-off, checked my calendar and whoa! it falls on a saturday.

arrrrghhhhhh!

yep, by now you know that i'm one of those who's not excited about the coming v-day.

wanna know why?

first, X isn't here. so by all means, attack me if ever i'd say that i'll be going out on a date (a romantic date, that is) on saturday.

second, i can't remember even a single V-day that i went out on a date. i dunno...we do go out before or after that day, but never on the day itself. X hates the traffic...i would want to say me too, but of course, who wouldn't want to go out on a date on V-day? it may be corny, but hey, i'm still a girl (the last time i've checked, lol) and i still go mushy at times. i guess being pampered and spoiled on Valentines day won't hurt.

third, i will again get flowers from friends who get flowers from their BFs. yep, if a friend or an officemate would get a bouquet of flowers...they will give me at least one flower. you know, just so i have one too. bummer!

fourth, this coming V-day falls on a saturday. damn it, i won't have an excuse why i'm not out on a date. at least i can say that i'm stucked with work and have no time. but geesh, it's a weekend! boo-hoo!

good thing it's my cousin's bday on V-day...so i guess i'll have my ass on my way to the province instead, celebrate her birthday and sleep early.

GAH!

oh well, nevermind me ladies...i just woke up at the wrong side of the bed.

Do you ever wonder if you really have a soulmate?
Do you ever wonder why there are gays and lesbians?
Don't you ever wonder why some people love their same sex?
Do you ever wonder why some people love their opposite sex?
And do you ever wonder why these love are indestructible?
Why do most people seem to cannot live without someone to love?
And finally, why is it that people do not know what they have until it is gone?

Let me tell you about the Myth of Love...

It was said that before, in the origin of times, there were three sexes;male, female, and androgene.
Original humans do not look like how we humans look today. Humans before were said to be twice of each person now, with two heads, two pair of eyes, two pair of lips, four hands, four feet, twobodies, two hearts, and of course two genitals.

Then, if the person has two vaginas, that is a female. If the person has two penis, that is a male person. If the person has both the two different organs, a vagina and a penis, then that person is an androgene.

They said that androgenes were the most beautiful people among all because they have mostly the best features and characteristics of both the male and the female.

Because these people dream of being in heaven, even if they already have the heavens in their selves, they want to experience it even for just a little while.

And so they climbed to Mount Olympus. Zeus got furious upon seeing the people going up the mountain. He said, “How dare theseimmortals climb our wondrous world? And to think I'd let them experience it! Especially now that they do not cherish what they have!!!” He got so mad that he used his lightning bolts to cut each person in half to make them weaker enough so as not to continue on climbing.

The God of Healers healed the wounds of the people cut in half. And from then on, everyone started to look out for their pair the moment they gotdown from the mountains.This is why there is the term soulmates. Their bodies, in which their souls rest, used to be one. Therefore soulmates.

They said that this is also the reason why there are people who love their same sex, the gays and lesbians. They are the males and females before. And this also explains why gays are creative, because they are both males before, they tend to concentrate on what they lack. The same thing for lesbians. Because they are both females before, they tend to be strong as not to be underestimated.

Androgenes would be equal to male and female lovers. That is why nowadays these couples are the most acceptable, stronger, and the most beautiful among all partners, they have the strength of both males and females.

Lovers nowadays, whether gay, lesbian, or male and female couples, are indestructible because they are the pairs before. They are really meant to be.

This myth also explains why it is natural for people to just realize the value of the people they love only when they are about to be gone or are already gone. Because this happened even before, and we become weaker without our pair. We realize that we need them, truly love them, and that together, we are stronger.

This is also why we kiss. We always try to find the lips wherein ours will fit well.

This is also why we like to hold hands with the one we love, to find out if the spaces between their fingers are the spaces where ours used to lay.

And finally, this is why we always find someone to love. We always want to complete ourselves... Because we need the strength of the one we love in order to go on with the hardships of life... we need to fill in a missing space... and most of all, because we used to have two hearts. We need to find the other one.

i hate mondays.

sniff.

just when i told myself that i'd come to work early, i was still awake at 5am. my eyes were closed but i wasn't sleeping. i can even hear the sound of my clock ticking. i probably dozed off to sleep around 7am, and stood up minutes before 9 when i was supposed to be up by 8am so i can make it around 10 in the office. as usual, i came in past 11.

and another stupid cab driver really made my day. tell me, am i really supposed to give them directions? i hate it when people talk to me when i'm not in the mood. most especially when all i want is to shut up and nab some minutes of sleep on the way to the office. the next time a cab driver asks me bout the directions, i'll probably ask him if we can just switch places and just let me drive myself. dammit. geesh, now i'm really wishing to have my own car.

and what about work? as usual...i am so pissed off. i can hardly feel being part of this team. i just wanna go home and sleep instead of hearing them go yadah yadah and yet no sensible plan of what to accomplish for the following weeks. yep, not sensible. all i get to hear is a couple of yadah yadah yadah. sometimes i just wish that all questions are answerable by either a YES or a NO. no more, no less.

i had to go to lunch by myself coz i was really pissed off. i dont want people to go asking why i'm quiet...i'm afraid that i wont be able to get hold of myself from stabbing people. i can hardly bring myself to smile. i really hate my day today!!!!

so yesterday, i just stayed at home and watched TV. early evening, i started with my Gossip Girl season 1 marathon. i can say i love the series....i am so outdated! my sister knows everything about it, and even knows the story behind the characters' real lives. maybe i am just getting really old...i let most things pass. i feel so outdated...yep, i feel so OLD!

i was eating my late lunch yesterday when my eyes got hooked on this tv show in channel 2. and boy, the story's so familiar. so damn, familiar. i cried towards the end...but it's a series, so i would probably watch it again next week and the following weeks. no matter how hard it screams "this is your effin' story, biatch!"

and so i thought, it was all coincidence. but when i went to 711 earlier to get this month's issues of my fave magazines...my eyes were again caught by a topic in the mag. damn, am i being ridiculed now? i feel like everything's connected to me. pinariringgan ba ako!?

woooo-zzzzaaaaaa..

breathe, jheng. breathe.

i know it's not all about me. maybe it's all coincidence. maybe a lot of people also have the same kind of effin life that i have.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME. remember that.

a long way to go before this day ends. wish me luck.

tata!

effin' tired...effin' bored...effin' knocked out of my wits.

why on earth do i worry too much? i worry about a lot of things: work, friends, family...even the environment, politics, yadah-yadah. and i know i shouldn't...well, maybe a bit. but not to the point of draining my almost-extinct . when i should be worrying about myself.

fuck. yeah, i am saying it while typing. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

sorry.

maybe i just woke up at the wrong side of the bed. it feels like this day started so wrong. everything seems to be out of placed. first, i woke up late when i was supposed to come in early to work. second, the cab driver annoyed me to death. he kept on asking me about directions...well, i know it doesn't sound so bad...but why the hell does he sound so sarcastic and full of angst? geesh, it's not my effin' fault if he's stupid with directions. i am known to talk so loud that friends would ask me if i happen to swallow a mega-phone when i was a kid, but he can't seem to hear me each time i answer his questions. so he always end up on the wrong way. and he looks at me as if it's my fault!

third, i've been trying to contact my friends about a meetup this weekend. and nobody...not even one, replied. so all this time, i was expecting our original schedule to push thru thinking that it's final. WRONG! apparently, they had a change of plans...so now that i won't be able to make it, they would need to re-sched it again so i can come. okay, do i need to feel guilty now? nope...coz i am not going.

fourth, i am sooooo pissed off with work. i try to be as useful as i can but how come i feel like i am not part of the team? my efforts are being put to waste...i'm being bypassed and i have this feeling that the client thinks that i suck with what i do.

fifth, i worry about someone who doesn't seem to care at all. ugh.

(sighs)

i feel like my head's going to explode. i haven't had a decent sleep in days now and i still worry about other people...about a lot of things.

FUCK.

i wanna sleep.

i got a call from a friend of mine...she was crying. i was still half-asleep when i picked up the fone, but i immediately got on my feet when i can hardly understand what she's saying because of her sobs.

and then she finally had the strength to tell her story:

"he was sweet to me...he was so eager to be with me all the time...he told me he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me...he was so thoughtful and he said he misses me all the time."

okay...as i took note of the word "was."

"but nowadays, it's like he doesn't give a damn. he rarely replies to my messages. if he ever does, it'll just be short...cold. it's like he had forgotten me...what i am to him, what he is to me, what we had. i wanted to talk to him about it but i just feel so stupid trying to get his attention. he'd say sorry but he'll be like that again in no time."

ugh, sounds familiar.

and i told her "i can only think of one reason...and that is, he had lost interest on you. so he's trying to give you a hint: giving you cold shoulders = it's over"

"just like that!? i am being dropped like a hot potato?"

"well...you can put it that way. telling you he's busy is crap. hello, as if it would take him hours to send you a reply...or days to give you a call just to assure you that he's okay but he can't just talk to you or be with you. he ignores you as if he doesn't care. oh maybe, he doesn't really care...anymore."

"why can't he just tell me that...right on my face?"

"(some) men are like that. they say don't want to hurt your feelings...as if they aren't hurting you already. probably they just don't have the guts to tell you that hey, you aren't as interesting, as hot, as attractive as before....so i'm gonna go now and look for a new one."

and my friend cried all the more.

geesh, sometimes i just hate myself for talking too much.

i know it hurts...and hard to understand. but it's just how things are. people change...feelings change. one minute they want you, and the next minute, they don't. they love you now, tomorrow they can love you less...until it's all gone.

unfair? yeah...but can you really blame them if they are just like that? cold-heartless pricks? oh, excuse me for the term. i know this isn't my issue. but i surely had my share of experiences similar to this.

i told her to stop calling or texting. sooner or later, the prick...i mean, the guy would call and would probably tell her he misses her. if he doesn't, well...forget him. he's not worth it. if he can't be man enough to tell you his exact reasons for his actions now, how can you be sure if he'd be man enough to stand by you no matter what.

she's hesitant...so i told her to give the guy a call and curse him to death. kidding....hmmm, maybe she can send her final message to the guy and then delete his number and his memories forever.

of course, it's easier said than done.

it hurts, i know. but it won't kill you.

---------------------------------------------------

KISAPMATA

Nitong umaga lang,
Pagka galing-galing
Ng iyong sumpang
walang aawat sa atin.

chorus

O kay bilis namang
Maglaho ng
Pag-ibig mo sinta,
Daig mo pa ang isang kisapmata.
Kanina'y narlang o ba't
Bigla namang nawala.
Daig mo pa ang isang kisapmata.

Kani-kanina lang,
Pagka ganda-ganda
Ng pagkasabi mong
Sana'y tayo na nga.
Kani-kanina lang,
Pagka saya-saya
Ng buhay kong
Bigla na lamang nagiba

chorus

kani-kanina lang
pagkalambing lambing
kani-kanina lang
pagkagaling galing
kani-kanina lang
pagkaganda ganda
kani-kanina lang
pagkasaya-saya

tired.

restless.

getting more hopeless by the minute.

questioning why life is like this (well, at least for me..)

don't i deserve good things in life?

how come other people out there doesn't have to worry like i do? i feel like i have lots of things to worry about...and that i have tons of responsibilities and obligations to take care of...while they just worry about themselves, and some don't even have to do that. other people does the worrying for them.

can't i have that as well?

my life is going nowhere...i am getting tired. and to think i haven't accomplished anything yet.

i'm scared...so scared that i'll just end up being a nobody. a worthless, pathetic bitch.

and what's worse? it's when you get all the blame and people would say "i told y0u so..."

damn, i wish lighting would just strike me here....right now.

has anyone seen it?

i woke up this afternoon (oo na, late na ako nagising!) and i turned on the tv and saw this.

ugh. i became teary-eyed. (yeah yeah, pathetic crybaby). bakit ganun no? hindi din sila ang nagkatuluyan. to think they have been friends since childhood...lintek, torpe ba si guy at nde man sha nakaporma kay girl? isn't it heartbreaking to see people who love each other (or might have something special for one another) not end up together? ano ba naman un? nakakasama ng loob. nauuwi na lang sa tinginan...sa reminiscing. accckk!

hay...nasobrahan ata ako ng tulog this time.

sniff.