yes, i’m so damn tired. and this isn’t because of work since i was practically doing nothing all night except for reading a manga story which i find truly sobrang nakakakilig that i can’t stop. it was too late for me to realize that here i am again, falling in love with somebody else’s love story…what can i do? i only get to get kilig with somebody else’s, since i don’t have anything nakakakilig to share. drat! reading these kind of stories make me a fool for love all the more
so why the hell am i tired?

because of a lot of things…but mainly on trying so damn much to pretty much please almost everybody. i try so hard to do things to meet other people’s expectation of me. i try so hard to make all things possible, not minding if it causes me too much stress, anxiety and even anger. i even try to exceed what’s expected of me…and make sure that i give my best in everything i do. but what’s not good is i expect them to do just the same, that i end up frustrated and disappointed and most of all, hurt.

sometimes in doing so, i even try to fool myself and act as if i am okay even though in reality i am hurting so bad. the worst thing i can do is tell them i hate them or hate the things they want me to do, but i always find myself doing those things all over again. it makes me think that sometimes, i dont really mean what i say. is it lying? maybe so…i’m lying to them because i tell them i hate them for making things hard for me, but i continue doing it for i know it makes them happy. so maybe, i have been lying to myself all this time.

they say, that when you get tired…STOP. i’ve always wanted to do this. just stop…stop trying, stop pleasing people and stop hurting myself by not trying to push myself too hard. maybe i’ll try to be like them…expect others to do what i expect of them. to try a little, and if it doesn’t work, then i’ll stop and leave it up to them. or maybe just stop trying and do nothing.
for weeks now, i hardly get to sleep. if i do, it would be 5hours at most. i spend most of my “sleep time” lying in my bed thinking about a lot of things. all sorts…work, family, friends and love life (or the lack of it). sometimes i feel the nerves on my head thumping…it hurts so bad, and all i want is to go to sleep forever so i can stop worrying about things…about people who obviously don’t worry about me. sometimes i think that i am just wasting my time…but how can you be wasting time on things that matter to you?

little by little i get to realize that i am not only making things harder for myself…but for them as well. maybe i need to make myself unavailable for some time. if they can do it most of the time, then maybe i can do it as well…if not better.

:(