...37 minutes past 2AM, and i am still in the office. i can feel my head spinning and my eyes half closed. i haven't slept much for a couple of days now. it's a saturday today but i barely have 3 hours to sleep before i prepare for a shoot at 9AM. dang, i wish i can still come up with something beautiful for my client despite my lack of sleep. or probably, it's better if i pray that i get up on time.

sigh.

it's hell week this past week in the office...and for the next weeks to come. on top of that, i have gigs lined up. i want to take a break....i am so damn tired. and yep, sleepy.

good thing i'm not breaking out (yet)...but i can feel they are popping out soon.

i can't stop looking at myself on the mirror. i look so haggard, and my eyes...terrible!

i feel like i've been missing a lot nowadays...but at least, i get to stop worrying bout some things for a while.

ugh. gotta go now...

'twas just one-of-those days in the office. yesterday, i was working from home. i hate the office...i hate the project, and yeah...i hate some people that i work with. i know that the word "hate" comes too strong. but this is me, i may tell you "i hate you" often but for me it just means "i don't like you NOW." so there.

anyways, so i had no choice but to come in to the office today. i basically ran out of reasons why i would need to stay at home instead. so i literally had to drag my pathetic ass and go to work. my day started okay, but i must admit, i am TRYING SO HARD to focus with work. a lot of things have been happening in the office, and soon...God forbid, i might be losing my job AGAIN.

but you know what...i do feel that HE really loves me. i know i have been doing a lot of bad things lately, and worse, i might have been forgetting to praise and thank HIM. but HE continues to shower me with blessings.

last monday, i had an interview (just when i am on the verge of losing my job for the second time)...and yesterday, i got a schedule for another interview with the same company. and it turned out fine! i don't have any good news yet but hey, to know that the interviewers are impressed with you is one good reason to be happy and perhaps, be proud of? i mean, i haven't lost my job yet and here it is...another prospect (i hope). this happened to me for a lot of times already. i remember last year, when i got declared as redundant, i was able to find a job even before my last day at the office. and now, this. i am not yet sure if i'd be able to get this job, but it did give me a reason to smile and believe that HE gives me signs that there is still hope.

another thing...i stumbled upon a blog, a very inspiring blog. i get teary-eyed with every post i was able to read. and yep, i read ALL of it in one sitting. (and just when i really need to finish my office tasks, no?) i love all his posts. made me stop and ponder about life...about all the things i have to be thankful for, and stop worrying about a lot of things that have no sense at all. it made me feel ashamed of myself, because i whine endlessly when there are a lot of people out there who might have a bigger problem than me but are still thankful about the little things they get everyday. his posts are touching, and i admire him on how he expresses himself in his writings. i wish i can be like that too....damn, i wish i have a blog like that too. one that inspires and make people really think about life. i have a blog that talks about makeup, and this one that well, about my endless and nonsense ramblings.

and oh, here's the blog: TYNETHOUGHTS

Sunday, 30 mins past 1 in the morning....

yep...i am working from home at this time!

ugh.

and i thought i'd be able to run the scripts i've created last week...apparently, i won't be able to. the permissions set to the user i've created are all messed up. instead of just being a member, they gave it ADMIN rights. so yeah, i won't be able to execute my now-ready scripts. instead of execution, i would need to resort to creation of those effin' scripts for an ADMIN user.

dammit.

sniff.

but of course, they do need to SORT out the permission settings FIRST.

oh wells...what else is new, no!?

good thing i can't be in real bad mood today. i just had a great dinner with family at Seafood by the bay in Subic...and of course, food is one good reason for one to stay in a good mood. BURP. i am so FULL, and man, i mean FULL! goodluck to fitting myself in my office slacks next week.

okay, okay..other things i have to be thankful for:

- mom's done with the operation. there were some benign (thank God, they are!) cysts that were removed.
- X is feeling a lot better now. at least, he's now being able to get a good night sleep
- my new loots! ugh, read my other blog for more details (wink)
- i am with my family this weekend.

so there. i guess working from home at this time of night, err, morning is not really bad. at least i am with my family and to top it all, i have a great view of my sister now asleep (frowning, mouth slightly open and all....tee-hee)

nyt everyone...gotta get back to work!

ciao.

knees are weak....
eyes are half-closed...
hands are cold...
can't focus...
feeling dead tired...

am i dying? sometimes, i wish i just am. i want all these things to end. my body's resting but my mind seems to be running in circles. my life's worse than a big rollercoaster ride. i'm tired of anticipating what comes next...and how soon will i fall flat on my face again.

i want some fresh air. i want to be somewhere else. anywhere but here.

i'm really getting bored.

i want to feel excitement again...i want to feel different again.

i no longer want to be ME.

hmp!

uh-oh, a rant post (kinda).

okay, so i was busy with work when a friend of mine popped up a message asking "so where's your date this coming V-day?"

huh? wut the hell...

i closed the window and signed-off, checked my calendar and whoa! it falls on a saturday.

arrrrghhhhhh!

yep, by now you know that i'm one of those who's not excited about the coming v-day.

wanna know why?

first, X isn't here. so by all means, attack me if ever i'd say that i'll be going out on a date (a romantic date, that is) on saturday.

second, i can't remember even a single V-day that i went out on a date. i dunno...we do go out before or after that day, but never on the day itself. X hates the traffic...i would want to say me too, but of course, who wouldn't want to go out on a date on V-day? it may be corny, but hey, i'm still a girl (the last time i've checked, lol) and i still go mushy at times. i guess being pampered and spoiled on Valentines day won't hurt.

third, i will again get flowers from friends who get flowers from their BFs. yep, if a friend or an officemate would get a bouquet of flowers...they will give me at least one flower. you know, just so i have one too. bummer!

fourth, this coming V-day falls on a saturday. damn it, i won't have an excuse why i'm not out on a date. at least i can say that i'm stucked with work and have no time. but geesh, it's a weekend! boo-hoo!

good thing it's my cousin's bday on V-day...so i guess i'll have my ass on my way to the province instead, celebrate her birthday and sleep early.

GAH!

oh well, nevermind me ladies...i just woke up at the wrong side of the bed.

Do you ever wonder if you really have a soulmate?
Do you ever wonder why there are gays and lesbians?
Don't you ever wonder why some people love their same sex?
Do you ever wonder why some people love their opposite sex?
And do you ever wonder why these love are indestructible?
Why do most people seem to cannot live without someone to love?
And finally, why is it that people do not know what they have until it is gone?

Let me tell you about the Myth of Love...

It was said that before, in the origin of times, there were three sexes;male, female, and androgene.
Original humans do not look like how we humans look today. Humans before were said to be twice of each person now, with two heads, two pair of eyes, two pair of lips, four hands, four feet, twobodies, two hearts, and of course two genitals.

Then, if the person has two vaginas, that is a female. If the person has two penis, that is a male person. If the person has both the two different organs, a vagina and a penis, then that person is an androgene.

They said that androgenes were the most beautiful people among all because they have mostly the best features and characteristics of both the male and the female.

Because these people dream of being in heaven, even if they already have the heavens in their selves, they want to experience it even for just a little while.

And so they climbed to Mount Olympus. Zeus got furious upon seeing the people going up the mountain. He said, “How dare theseimmortals climb our wondrous world? And to think I'd let them experience it! Especially now that they do not cherish what they have!!!” He got so mad that he used his lightning bolts to cut each person in half to make them weaker enough so as not to continue on climbing.

The God of Healers healed the wounds of the people cut in half. And from then on, everyone started to look out for their pair the moment they gotdown from the mountains.This is why there is the term soulmates. Their bodies, in which their souls rest, used to be one. Therefore soulmates.

They said that this is also the reason why there are people who love their same sex, the gays and lesbians. They are the males and females before. And this also explains why gays are creative, because they are both males before, they tend to concentrate on what they lack. The same thing for lesbians. Because they are both females before, they tend to be strong as not to be underestimated.

Androgenes would be equal to male and female lovers. That is why nowadays these couples are the most acceptable, stronger, and the most beautiful among all partners, they have the strength of both males and females.

Lovers nowadays, whether gay, lesbian, or male and female couples, are indestructible because they are the pairs before. They are really meant to be.

This myth also explains why it is natural for people to just realize the value of the people they love only when they are about to be gone or are already gone. Because this happened even before, and we become weaker without our pair. We realize that we need them, truly love them, and that together, we are stronger.

This is also why we kiss. We always try to find the lips wherein ours will fit well.

This is also why we like to hold hands with the one we love, to find out if the spaces between their fingers are the spaces where ours used to lay.

And finally, this is why we always find someone to love. We always want to complete ourselves... Because we need the strength of the one we love in order to go on with the hardships of life... we need to fill in a missing space... and most of all, because we used to have two hearts. We need to find the other one.

i hate mondays.

sniff.

just when i told myself that i'd come to work early, i was still awake at 5am. my eyes were closed but i wasn't sleeping. i can even hear the sound of my clock ticking. i probably dozed off to sleep around 7am, and stood up minutes before 9 when i was supposed to be up by 8am so i can make it around 10 in the office. as usual, i came in past 11.

and another stupid cab driver really made my day. tell me, am i really supposed to give them directions? i hate it when people talk to me when i'm not in the mood. most especially when all i want is to shut up and nab some minutes of sleep on the way to the office. the next time a cab driver asks me bout the directions, i'll probably ask him if we can just switch places and just let me drive myself. dammit. geesh, now i'm really wishing to have my own car.

and what about work? as usual...i am so pissed off. i can hardly feel being part of this team. i just wanna go home and sleep instead of hearing them go yadah yadah and yet no sensible plan of what to accomplish for the following weeks. yep, not sensible. all i get to hear is a couple of yadah yadah yadah. sometimes i just wish that all questions are answerable by either a YES or a NO. no more, no less.

i had to go to lunch by myself coz i was really pissed off. i dont want people to go asking why i'm quiet...i'm afraid that i wont be able to get hold of myself from stabbing people. i can hardly bring myself to smile. i really hate my day today!!!!

so yesterday, i just stayed at home and watched TV. early evening, i started with my Gossip Girl season 1 marathon. i can say i love the series....i am so outdated! my sister knows everything about it, and even knows the story behind the characters' real lives. maybe i am just getting really old...i let most things pass. i feel so outdated...yep, i feel so OLD!

i was eating my late lunch yesterday when my eyes got hooked on this tv show in channel 2. and boy, the story's so familiar. so damn, familiar. i cried towards the end...but it's a series, so i would probably watch it again next week and the following weeks. no matter how hard it screams "this is your effin' story, biatch!"

and so i thought, it was all coincidence. but when i went to 711 earlier to get this month's issues of my fave magazines...my eyes were again caught by a topic in the mag. damn, am i being ridiculed now? i feel like everything's connected to me. pinariringgan ba ako!?

woooo-zzzzaaaaaa..

breathe, jheng. breathe.

i know it's not all about me. maybe it's all coincidence. maybe a lot of people also have the same kind of effin life that i have.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME. remember that.

a long way to go before this day ends. wish me luck.

tata!