it's almost 5am, i have no work tonight and yet i'm still up. I am sleepy but i can't go to sleep. I am bored, restless and lonely

it's a long weekend. no work on Monday, and i didn't even come to work last Friday. I should've gone home instead...i miss my mom, my sis, my tita, and peng. I miss everybody. I miss him too. i feel so alone...i've been worrying bout a lot of things. truly, the saying, "when it rains, it pours" is absolutely correct. I wanna go home and hug my mom...but i can't let her see me like this. I wanna hug her so tight and be like a child again...cry until i fall off to sleep. I miss her a lot. Lately, she'd been like my bestfriend. But i really dont want her to see me like this. Mom's so strong, i wouldnt want her to be disappointed with me if she sees me like this...so weak, vulnerable and always on the verge of crying.

sometimes i look back and ask myself, what have i been doing with my life? Have i ever made people proud of me? I'm still the same old jheng like i've always been. childish, playful, makes a lot of wrong decisions, worries bout a lot of things...i'm such a schizo. or maybe i just pretend that i'm okay when i'm actually not. I want people to see that i am strong, but in reality...i am not. I am weak like a child. I still cry like a child when i'm alone. Sometimes even my mom's voice would make me cry. ugh, i wanna go home.

have i been a good person after all? have i been good to myself? have i really been a good person to those who matters a lot to me? i wish i've been...coz if not, i'd truly consider myself useless. Imagine, i'm 29 and i'm still like this. I feel like my life's going nowhere. I feel like i've been focusing more on things that dont really matter and won't help me at all. And so i'd feel tired...tired to do the things i really should be doing in the first place. Geesh, i really feel like a 5yr-old kid...a kid who needs guidance and somebody to tell me what to do and what not.

(sniff)

sorry for this post. it's just that i can hardly breathe. i am so feeling lonely...been like this for days now. and i just want to let it out. so please bear with me.

i miss them...

...that one day, people would find me gone and no matter how hard they try, they won't be able to find me
...that when that day comes, they would know how much it hurts to long for somebody and wish that they could've done better
...that one day, i'd feel no more pain...no more happiness...and that i'd just be numb as a corpse
...that people would know that behind my giggles and big smiles, is someone with a heavy, broken (if not torn) heart.
...that i'd learn how not to forgive and forget.
...that i'd think of myself more
...that someday, i'll have the guts to go after what i really want and don't care bout those who i'd get hurt in the process
...that their first impression of me will somehow get true
...that i'd be selfish, inconsiderate, self-centered like most people think i am
...that one day, i'd get back to those people who have hurt me in any way and make them suffer big time for what they did to me

and most of all, i wish that one day, all of these sufferings would be gone and i'll lay myself to rest...to be forgotten by those people i've loved and cherished.

from: the invisible girl

people who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.Tag 8 people to do this quiz. those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who tagged them & cannot tag the person who tagged them. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. How has Blogger changed your life?
- made me meet new friends
- accompanied me during my "alone" times
- enabled me to express myself freely

2. What do you do before bedtime?
- i pray and wish that tomorrow will be better than today

3. What are you going to have for dinner tonight?
- i dunno...i want some chicken and pasta, but i really need to lose weight. so maybe i'll just drown myself with a gallon of water. LOL

4. What is the ONE place you want to go to before you die if you had the money and the time?
- PARIS and maybe visit Japan for the 3rd time and promise myself not to get sick this time.

5 Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
- what do you think? hehehehe..

6. What do you do in your free time?
- blog, read, eat, sleep, practice makeup, watch tv

7. Do you trust easily?
- YES

8. What personal belonging do you have with you everywhere you go?
- my celfone, lip balm, oil blotting sheets

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
- i'm losing my job

10. What is your best quality?
- that no matter how bad a person treats me, i always forgive that person and trust him/her as if nothing happened. but i am beginning to realize, it isnt doing me any good at all.

11. Is being tagged fun?
- YES

12. Why so?
- you get to know more about the person who tagged you, and you get to let other people know more about you as well

13. Do you prefer rain or snow?
- rain.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
- a beautiful person, inside and out

15. Poor but loved, or rich but hated?
- poor but loved.

16. How many children do you want?
- i want twins : a boy and a girl

17. What's better: to give or to receive?
- Give.

18. What do you feel about sex without love?
- nonsense

19. Would you have 100% safe sex with a stranger for $10,000,000?
- hmmm....let me get back at you for my answer. LOL

20. What would you name yourself if you'd been born the opposite gender?
- Damien

... nakakastress ka.
... buwisit ka sa buhay ko.
... you make things harder for me.
... feeling mo kaw lang ang kawawa sa mundo, at ikaw lang ang marunong umintindi when in fact you don't get to understand a thing.

what would you do if these exacts words are said to you?

would you go some place where nobody would ever see you and cry endlessly?
would you want to stab yourself a thousand times til you hurt no more?
would you wish that you'd disappear forever?

...i would.
(sniff)

it all started with one wish: that one day, she'd finally feel that she's loved, cherished and longed for.

that's all she ever wanted, even when she's still a kid. yet, fate gave her something different. she'd always feel taken for granted, abused and most of the time, invisible.

it was quite surprising that being a girl with such one wish, and with such unfortunate experience since childhood, you'd expect her to be selfish, self-centered and probably somebody who'd like the world on her feet. but nope...she grew up practically giving other people the same things she ever wanted, and making them feel what she ever wanted to feel.

she might not be a perfect friend, nor a perfect child, even a perfect girl (who would be if you grew up in such an imperfect world?) but she tries so hard not to make everybody else feel what she had felt eversince she got to understand what LOVE is all about. sometimes, no matter how hurt she might be, you'd still see her cracking up other people whom she feels need some dose of laughter to make them feel better bout themselves. she'd pretend she doesn't have anything to worry bout herself at all...and that she's obliged to be everybody else's clown or life of a party.

sometimes, i would see her crying her heart out once she's alone by herself. she'd moan, wail like she'd been stabbed in her heart a thousand times. she would cry til she can cry no more. then she'll stand up, ready to face the world again, as if she's fine herself.

i would often ask her if she ever gets tired...and she would say yes. but she couldn't stop...or maybe wouldn't stop. she'd say she would only stop once she gets to feel what she makes other feel herself. she wants to be loved, cherished, longed for, wanted...and since she's not being able to experience that (in a genuine way), she promised herself not to make other people feel the same way. for she knows, it's hard. so hard that there were a lot of times she thought of giving up the fight. but she can't...and she won't.

she's not perfect...there would be times she'd come short of what she has promised. sometimes, she'll be as lonely as hell and would ask people why she feels so alone. she'd throw tantrums...she'd cry in front of people, as if she's almost begging for them to make her feel that she is indeed being loved. unfortunately, she'd end up being thought of as a selfish bitch...somebody who asks too much. little do they know that she's not asking for other things....all she wants is love, time and dedication.

"is it too hard? don't i deserve it? am i such a no-good that people would need to exert much effort just to give me that? am i that un-special? am i that unworthy?"

i am scared for her. scared that one day, reality would hit her. that it's possible that she won't be able to feel that way from the people she expects it to come from...and she'll come to a point where she'd surrender. a point where she'd give up...and tell herself that it's all her fault and that no matter what she does, she'd always feel alone and unloved.

maybe, if she felt special right from the beginning...she won't need to go thru this. maybe, if she comes to realize her worth, she won't allow people to pull her down and she won't feel like it's her obligation to make other people good about themselves while she's wallowing in self-pity herself. maybe, if she's stronger enough...she'd chose to be alone than to be around people who hurt her. and maybe, she'd be happy after all.

she's just one simple girl...looks complicated and all, but she is just one simple girl.