effin' tired...effin' bored...effin' knocked out of my wits.

why on earth do i worry too much? i worry about a lot of things: work, friends, family...even the environment, politics, yadah-yadah. and i know i shouldn't...well, maybe a bit. but not to the point of draining my almost-extinct . when i should be worrying about myself.

fuck. yeah, i am saying it while typing. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

sorry.

maybe i just woke up at the wrong side of the bed. it feels like this day started so wrong. everything seems to be out of placed. first, i woke up late when i was supposed to come in early to work. second, the cab driver annoyed me to death. he kept on asking me about directions...well, i know it doesn't sound so bad...but why the hell does he sound so sarcastic and full of angst? geesh, it's not my effin' fault if he's stupid with directions. i am known to talk so loud that friends would ask me if i happen to swallow a mega-phone when i was a kid, but he can't seem to hear me each time i answer his questions. so he always end up on the wrong way. and he looks at me as if it's my fault!

third, i've been trying to contact my friends about a meetup this weekend. and nobody...not even one, replied. so all this time, i was expecting our original schedule to push thru thinking that it's final. WRONG! apparently, they had a change of plans...so now that i won't be able to make it, they would need to re-sched it again so i can come. okay, do i need to feel guilty now? nope...coz i am not going.

fourth, i am sooooo pissed off with work. i try to be as useful as i can but how come i feel like i am not part of the team? my efforts are being put to waste...i'm being bypassed and i have this feeling that the client thinks that i suck with what i do.

fifth, i worry about someone who doesn't seem to care at all. ugh.

(sighs)

i feel like my head's going to explode. i haven't had a decent sleep in days now and i still worry about other people...about a lot of things.

FUCK.

i wanna sleep.

i got a call from a friend of mine...she was crying. i was still half-asleep when i picked up the fone, but i immediately got on my feet when i can hardly understand what she's saying because of her sobs.

and then she finally had the strength to tell her story:

"he was sweet to me...he was so eager to be with me all the time...he told me he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me...he was so thoughtful and he said he misses me all the time."

okay...as i took note of the word "was."

"but nowadays, it's like he doesn't give a damn. he rarely replies to my messages. if he ever does, it'll just be short...cold. it's like he had forgotten me...what i am to him, what he is to me, what we had. i wanted to talk to him about it but i just feel so stupid trying to get his attention. he'd say sorry but he'll be like that again in no time."

ugh, sounds familiar.

and i told her "i can only think of one reason...and that is, he had lost interest on you. so he's trying to give you a hint: giving you cold shoulders = it's over"

"just like that!? i am being dropped like a hot potato?"

"well...you can put it that way. telling you he's busy is crap. hello, as if it would take him hours to send you a reply...or days to give you a call just to assure you that he's okay but he can't just talk to you or be with you. he ignores you as if he doesn't care. oh maybe, he doesn't really care...anymore."

"why can't he just tell me that...right on my face?"

"(some) men are like that. they say don't want to hurt your feelings...as if they aren't hurting you already. probably they just don't have the guts to tell you that hey, you aren't as interesting, as hot, as attractive as before....so i'm gonna go now and look for a new one."

and my friend cried all the more.

geesh, sometimes i just hate myself for talking too much.

i know it hurts...and hard to understand. but it's just how things are. people change...feelings change. one minute they want you, and the next minute, they don't. they love you now, tomorrow they can love you less...until it's all gone.

unfair? yeah...but can you really blame them if they are just like that? cold-heartless pricks? oh, excuse me for the term. i know this isn't my issue. but i surely had my share of experiences similar to this.

i told her to stop calling or texting. sooner or later, the prick...i mean, the guy would call and would probably tell her he misses her. if he doesn't, well...forget him. he's not worth it. if he can't be man enough to tell you his exact reasons for his actions now, how can you be sure if he'd be man enough to stand by you no matter what.

she's hesitant...so i told her to give the guy a call and curse him to death. kidding....hmmm, maybe she can send her final message to the guy and then delete his number and his memories forever.

of course, it's easier said than done.

it hurts, i know. but it won't kill you.

---------------------------------------------------

KISAPMATA

Nitong umaga lang,
Pagka galing-galing
Ng iyong sumpang
walang aawat sa atin.

chorus

O kay bilis namang
Maglaho ng
Pag-ibig mo sinta,
Daig mo pa ang isang kisapmata.
Kanina'y narlang o ba't
Bigla namang nawala.
Daig mo pa ang isang kisapmata.

Kani-kanina lang,
Pagka ganda-ganda
Ng pagkasabi mong
Sana'y tayo na nga.
Kani-kanina lang,
Pagka saya-saya
Ng buhay kong
Bigla na lamang nagiba

chorus

kani-kanina lang
pagkalambing lambing
kani-kanina lang
pagkagaling galing
kani-kanina lang
pagkaganda ganda
kani-kanina lang
pagkasaya-saya

tired.

restless.

getting more hopeless by the minute.

questioning why life is like this (well, at least for me..)

don't i deserve good things in life?

how come other people out there doesn't have to worry like i do? i feel like i have lots of things to worry about...and that i have tons of responsibilities and obligations to take care of...while they just worry about themselves, and some don't even have to do that. other people does the worrying for them.

can't i have that as well?

my life is going nowhere...i am getting tired. and to think i haven't accomplished anything yet.

i'm scared...so scared that i'll just end up being a nobody. a worthless, pathetic bitch.

and what's worse? it's when you get all the blame and people would say "i told y0u so..."

damn, i wish lighting would just strike me here....right now.

has anyone seen it?

i woke up this afternoon (oo na, late na ako nagising!) and i turned on the tv and saw this.

ugh. i became teary-eyed. (yeah yeah, pathetic crybaby). bakit ganun no? hindi din sila ang nagkatuluyan. to think they have been friends since childhood...lintek, torpe ba si guy at nde man sha nakaporma kay girl? isn't it heartbreaking to see people who love each other (or might have something special for one another) not end up together? ano ba naman un? nakakasama ng loob. nauuwi na lang sa tinginan...sa reminiscing. accckk!

hay...nasobrahan ata ako ng tulog this time.

sniff.