here i am again, ranting about the same things over and over again. sometimes i do wonder whether i am fond of getting hurt, emotionally or physically (masochist) or i am just plain stupid?

most of the time, if not all the time, people tend to abuse me. not in a sexual way, of course, but you know how people would somehow take advantage of other people just to get what they want and then once they got it, it’s buh-bye for you. well, until the time they would need you again.
it’s just hard to accept the fact that there are people who would take advantage of other people’s hmm..kindness? (or stupidity) i know that there should be a certain limit as to how much you would be willing to give, but the hardest thing for me is i can’t seem to make myself do that. i’ll get angry once i realize they are using me, but i just can’t seem to get enough of these for i still continue to trust and give them what they need from me or at least help them in any way i can.

sometimes, i wish my heart can be as hard as stone…or just be numb. that no matter how they try, i wouldn’t give a damn because i am so damn tired of people using and abusing me in every way they can. i do have feelings too…i might be smiling most of the time, laughing, cracking jokes but i get hurt too…but unlike other people, i don’t hold grudges against those who have hurt me. yeah, i get easily angry at times but after some time, i would even be the one to approach and talk first. so i guess, that is why they don’t take me that seriously.

(sighs)

woooo-saaaahh!

sometimes i do wish i can just walk away from all these things which cause me too much stress and frustration that i just wanna strangle someone else’s neck! grrr…

don’t you just hate it when you try so hard to make things work or do your best on something that you do but you still end up not being appreciated and worse, people oftentimes get this f**ked up idea that you are trying to be a “star” when in fact you are actually doing everybody else a favor by being that sole person to collate information from a lot of people just to make things easier for them. the least thing that they could do is, well…give a confirmation that what you’ve said or written are correct instead of letting you in on a surprise that tadaaahhh…”we never made use of what you’ve sent to us, silly!”

so tell me, just what the hell am i here for? if i am stupid like what you think, then lemme outta here! i can’t keep up with people trying to outsmart one another while pushing other people down.

grrrr….i so hate all of you. (not you guys who are reading my posts) good thing i am not in the same place where you are or else, i might have been convicted with murder already.

damn…i wanna kick your ass!

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up..

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine .

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*** YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

Ladies, are these true? hahahaha

it's been a while since i last posted on this blogsite (for those viewing my Multiply site, you won't be noticing since i've been like a blog whore these past few weeks, and that's because i've been actively posting on my other blogsite "abubots" and both blogs are connected to Multiply) because i haven't been that emo lately since i've been busy with work and my abubots :)

anyways, i'm getting kinda emo right now. not really sad but hmm..kinda confused? or probably disappointed on some things that have been happening lately. actually, i think it's more of being confused and scared. it's because things are again starting to be well between me and you-know-who and i'm just scared that it will just again end up on nothing. yeah, i know that i shouldn't be that pessimistic but you guys (or most of you who really know me) know what i've or what we've been through. it's just that i'm beginning to really discover that just when you are feeling that you're on top of the world, being happy and all, the next thing you'll know is everything else starts to break into pieces and you'll end up disappointed, frustrated and hurt. kaya nga minsan, i get scared when i get too happy for sometimes, i would get to think of what's going to happen next. baka masaya ako ngayon later sobrang depressed na naman ako. so now, i'm kinda like on that situation.

but i am trying to enjoy the moment...i know that the only thing that's permanent in this world is change and that we'll never really know what would happen next so the best thing that we could do is to make the most out of every chance we get to be happy. stop worrying about tomorrow and just enjoy what today has to offer.

'easier said than done, i know. but i'm trying hard to do it...besides, i should still be thankful for everything that happens to me right? everything happens for a reason...it only depends on how we are going to take it. besides, He will never give us trials that we cannot survive.

so smile jhengky...life's still beautiful!

hmmm…i’ve been trying to come up with a list every year like the others but i can honestly say that i haven’t been able to do most of them, well, if not all.

pathetic, if i may say. and yeah, i am really pathetic when it comes to keeping promises i made to myself. like when i would say “i will no longer be as trusting as before” but i will still end up feeling like a trash when somebody had broken my trust. i can’t seem to learn my lesson when it would involve other people.

so this year, i will try to come up with a list that will only involve myself and just a tiny bit of involvement of other people if really needed. lemme try:

1) SAVE. SAVE. SAVE. hmmm, i might have to delete this one because i can never say NO to somebody who would ask money or material things from me (take note: somebody means friends and family ONLY! heheh) but this year, i really need to save because as of this writing, i have saved nothing! but probably if i would sell all my abubots and makeups, i could come up with a hefty amount to open up a savings account. ehehee

2) STOP BEING A PROCRASTINATOR yep, i am sooo guilty of this. i’d buy things like books that i would think i would like to read but most of the time, they will just end up somewhere collecting dust. the good thing is, my sister is fond of reading…so most of the books i buy, she gets to read it first.

3) THINK POSITIVE uh-ohh…this one’s hard. i’ve been such a pessimist all my life just so i won’t get disappointed when things don’t happen the way i expected them. but i will try…i even bought my mom the famous book entitled “the secret” and i think i need to read it too (goodluck!)

4) DO WHAT YOU ENJOY THE MOST and that would be…shopping!? hahaha..kiddin’ well, maybe a year or two ago i realized what i would be enjoying the most…and nope, it isn’t shopping but makeup! kinda related i know. but this time, i need to make use of all those i’ve bought and probably make money out of it too. If only i have the time and money, i could’ve enrolled in a makeup school and study makeup artistry. But for now, practicing on myself would be a good alternative. then probably in the near future i can enroll or who knows? Like they say, practice makes perfect (yeah, i wish!)

5) DONT TAKE EVERYTHING SERIOUSLY most especially when it comes to work. do what you have to do then ignore them wehehe…last year, i can say was the most stressful year for me when it concerns work. I am not complaining with the work load but the fact that you had to put up with your workmates’ “attitude” most esp. “ehem” anyways, this year…i would try to limit myself. if i used to say yes to all tasks being assigned to me even though it is no longer within my job description, i will try to say No. When it comes to other concerns, i would try not to think and wallow too much in it. I’ll try to shrug it off and move on with life.

6) GYM! yeah…damn, i’ve been a member for almost a year now and i am sure that i’ve been wasting so much money because i was not attending often! geesshh….i’ll stop my membership after i finished the 1-yr contract. such a waste of money… and i know, it’s my fault as well. this could be the only way to de-stress myself and stay fit but what the hell have i been doing???

7) BE ORGANIZED with my stuffs and most of all, my life! set priorities and goals…for god’s sake jhengky, grow up!

8) HAVE FUN stop being such a couch potato on weekends. try to get a life dammit…go out with friends and have fun. (but not every weekend ha)

9) GAIN MORE FRIENDS be active and do meet-ups with the people you meet online (not date!) most especially those from Girltalk. :)

10) PRAY AND BE THANKFUL FOR EVERYTHING this i am really guilty of. i wanna be honest that most of the time that i pray would be the times that i would be asking for something. From now on, i will pray everyday and be thankful for whatever that comes my way. Thy will be done…

11) GIVE IMPORTANCE TO THOSE WHO REALLY LOVE AND CARES FOR YOU know who your real friends are and who truly stays by your side no matter what. Stop being super nice to non-deserving people who only wants to get something from you but don’t be a snob either. just know who are the real people from the “fakes.”

12) FOLLOW THIS LIST. (hehehe)

Grabe, ako kaya kailan magkakaroon ng little angel like Cass?

just when i thought this year's gonna be different and in a way, happier and that finally i'll learn how to let go of negative thoughts and feelings and stay away from people who seem to know how to make me feel real bad about myself...i still ended up feeling more trashed, abused and taken for granted than before. and to think we haven't gone thru the first week of this month. :(

damn...i feel so tired, bored and angry. in short, pesteng-peste na ako! i just wanna scream as loud as i can, curse and kick and punch and strangle those people who make me feel this way. but of course, in as much as i wanted to do all of those, i can't...and i won't.

so what would i end up doing then? e di wala...maybe i'll just go home and bury myself with my pillows and cry myself to sleep. and wish that tomorrow it will be better. hayy...no amount of makeup and hours of playing my psp can make me feel better. at this point, i just wanna forget what i've been thru and will still be going thru in the days to come.

sniff...sniff

i remember posting a blog entry on another blogsite with the same title a year ago. i think that was the first day of 2007, right after our usual Media Noche and when everybody else was sleeping. that was when i want to have a recap of all the things that happened to me on the year 2006. mejo senti, since i bravely posted all the good things and even the bad or maybe worst things that happened to me that year. and i intend to do it all again this time.

hmm…so was the year 2007 been good to me? let’s see..

- i just came out from a long time relationship that ended at the latter part of the year 2006 so i would say that the early part of 2007 was spent still trying to work things out with my ex-fiance and at the same time trying to accept the fact that it was indeed over. (yeah, magulo…sometimes i’d be okay…sometimes not)

- january, with a lot of convincing from my BFF, i was able to travel to Cebu and experience the Sinulog. I was not really into travelling but she told me that having some time without him would be a great idea. So to Cebu and Bohol we went. Until now, i still can’t imagine how i was able to manage walking down the streets of Cebu while watching the sinulog festival na sobrang init ang araw…but it was fun!

- came february, i’ve decided to move out of “our” place and live somewhere else. yep, i waited four months before finally deciding on moving out. but eventually, i’ve realized (actually, both of us did) that it would be the best for the both of us.

- i got involved with somebody…but eventually, it didn’t work out. I dont really wanna expound on this topic, i don’t regret it though but i’ve realized that it wasnt really meant to be.

- i remained friends with my ex-fiance and we both agreed that we need time for ourselves. this i had a hard time trying to sink in my little stupid brain. hehehe

- i dunno if my performance at work finally paid off or its just that they don’t want me to resign like everybody else in our team did, but i got a salary raise. not bad na rin…but of course, it comes with a price. Imagine, being the only tester for all the projects being done in the company?

- i came to realize that those people i usually take for granted would be the same people that i’d be able to count on at times that i’ll just breakdown because of too much stress, frustration, loneliness, etc. i was finally able to know who my real friends are and how important my family is to me. i developed a stronger bond with my mom, it was like being a little child again who’s in need of guidance and attention. sabi nga ng mom ko, i came back to being a baby but the good thing is, she was given a chance to take care of me unlike before because i grew up without her since she was working abroad back then.

- as expected, moving on from my relationship with my ex-fiance became harder that i imagined. it was like being on a rollercoaster ride.

- i’ve realized what i wanted to do: and that is to be able to work abroad and help my family first before worrying on relationships. yeah, i am not getting any younger but who am i to complain if this is indeed the life that was planned for me right? i need to do a lot of thinking and exert a lot of effort to do what i most need to do and that is to love myself first.

- i was able to meet new friends from a message board, started to become active on other forums as well. it may be mababaw for others but i was able to find new friends thru our common interest, which is makeup :) and that really gave me the realization that aside from my current career, i also want to be a makeup artist. or maybe i was just trying to find an excuse for my addiction for makeup? hehehe

- eventually, i became so stressed with work and to add to that, the continuous struggle to move on with my life. i had difficulty sleeping that most of the time, i’ll just have 1-2 hrs of sleep a day. i tried taking in different kinds of sleeping tabs just to help me sleep but nothing seemed to work. i was like an addict trying to look out for new drugs to take. i know it’s not good to depend on medicines, but i need it or else i’d die eventually or lose my job because i can hardly concentrate on my work and a little argument with my boss stresses me to death. i had to see a doctor and finally, he gave me some medications to help me. i don’t depend on it too much though…i don’t intend to be an addict in the first place.

- i dunno what’s with the latter part of the year, but it’s when i get more stressed and frustrated. just before the holidays, we had to move out of our place and find a new one in one week’s time. it was also the time when there were a lot of things to be done at work. imagine getting out of the office at 5am and packing my stuffs and moving them out of the old place and moving them in to the new one? for 1 week, i’ve been doing that and in no time i looked like a dead man walking with these horrible eyebags. that was also the time that stress has taken its toll on me that one little bad thing that would happen to me would cause me to cry like a baby. there was even a time that i’ve been worrying too much that i lost balance and dropped on both knees leaving me with bruises that you see on little kids but not on a 28-yr old stupid bitch!

- but as the old cliche goes “everything else will fall into place in time” i was able to overcome all the not so good things that happened to me during the past year. there have been several instances as well when i really felt that God has been saving me from harm and from doing things that i will regret later on. He made me realize that despite the things that have happened to me, i am still blessed and lucky for having people who continue to support and love me for who i am and not for who they wanted me to be.

to sum it up… i can say that the year that was became an eye-opener for me. it helped me realize what are the things that are more important in life and to be thankful for everything that comes your way…be good or bad. everything happens for a reason and I know that He knows what’s good for me and what’s not. and unlike last year, 2007 ended with a blast since i’ve celebrated it with my family (as usual) but this time, it became more special since i was able to realize the importance of having these people around who really loves you no matter what.

so Happy New Year everyone! May God continue to bless us all…

opps, censored. heehehe...this spot is where my wooden cabinet used to be and my silver organizer which contains some of my kikay stuffs.

wahhh, where's my TV and DVD player? huuhuhuhu...

and my bed...it doesn't look so different actually, except for i no longer have the sofa bed on this picture. I have a mattress on top of a sofa bed kasi but i moved it out kasabay ng mga bigger stuffs ko. but as for the mess, it looks the same to me. ganyang-ganyan itsura nyan whenever i am on a hurry to leave for work. hehehhe

so ayun...so long kingswood! :( thanks for being my 2nd home for the last 8 ba or 10 months? i'll post pics of my new place when i finished cleaning and organizing my stuffs.

We all deserve to find people who connect with us, who care for us, who make us laugh, who drive us crazy (in a good way), and who make us feel more excited than a popcorn kernel in a microwave.

Of course, we should all strive for all five qualities, not settle for two or three of the total. That said, many of us have unfair expectations of what relationships are supposed to be like.Blame it on the movies, or romance novels, or Barbie-and-Ken mythology, but seeking perfection in a relationship isn't noble; it's doomed.

Think about the lottery winners: They play with the hope that they'll score big, quit the job, buy a yacht, and party for the rest of their lives.But the reality for so many mega-bucks winners is that they end up in a dead-end life with relatives clawing at them and bankruptcy lawyers dividing the spoils. Why? Because their expectations of their fantasy life were far different than the reality, and they end up blowing the so-called best thing that ever happened to them.

Same goes for relationships. You may hit lucky sevens with a perfect match, but if you don't manage the fantasy with a dose of reality, your heart will be headed for bankruptcy.

Below, you'll find four key fantasy vs. reality clashes. Make sure you end up on the right side:

Expectation: The Fireworks of Romance
Reality: The Fireworks of Conflict
Sure, when sparks fly in a beginning of relationship, you've got oodles of chemistry, hopes, and anticipation. But to think that every day is going to be a barrel of butter-cream icing is just asking for trouble.If you're experiencing a lot of passion, you need to manage the 180-degree side of that passion-hard-core conflict. While some see conflict as relationship weakness, it can actually be the opposite - a Harvard study, in fact, found that subjects who express their anger have half the risk of heart disease compared with men who internalize it.It's a sign that you're communicating, a sign that you both care about the relationship, and a sign that you've got sparks, not complacency.

Expectation: The Perfect Package
Reality: Imperfect Behavior
When two people meet "the one," they tell all their friends about all the qualities of the new-found lover: Cute, friendly, compassionate, funny, good job, nice shoes, gorgeous body. In other words, poifect!Yeah, right, your friends think, and they're probably right. Okay, your new love interest seems to fit 97 of your 100 pieces of criteria for the perfect mate - after the second date. But again, that level of expectation can be an unfair standard that your imperfect companion will never be able to live up to as weeks, months, and years pass.Better to admire and appreciate the things that made you swoon. Then, it's up to you to manage the warts and worries (in personality, behavior, hygiene, whatever) that will slowly be introduced the more you get to know them.

Expectation: Wild Nights, Sleepy Days
Reality: Wild Days, Sleepy Nights
The joys of dating: Party all night, then lounge around during the day in anticipation of the night ahead. Of course, the initial excitement - about an impending date on the town or a friendly tussle in the bedroom - is one of the main engines that drives the relationship early on.That power source will wind down a bit once commitment sets in and routine takes over. Fight the impulse to pull away when you start to feel this relationship shift; spending time with a romantic partner can curb work-related stress and lower blood pressure, according to researchers at the University of North Carolina.The most successful couples are the ones who are able to adapt to the fact that crazy work days, the stress of life, and the daily grind of reality will become a stronger force than all-night talks under the stars.

Expectation: Complete Immersion
Reality: Occasional Diversion
When you start dating someone who drives you to Jack Nicholson levels of craziness, you want total saturation. You want to talk on the phone, you want an inbox full of flirty messages, you want five nights a week of dates, you can't stop thinking about them, and everything you say, do, smell, touch, or eat reminds you of that person.If that's you, I'm happy for you. That kind of all-consuming infatuation is one of the greatest feelings in life. But it just can't last. And - truth to tell - men may maintain an interest in the NFL, and want to watch a game or two with buds.Or women may decide that, heck, those end-of-season sales just can't go on without them. Many couples write off those feelings as evidence that they must be falling out of love. I don't see it that way. I see it as falling into reality, and successful couples know how to change their definition of immersion.In fact, University of Chicago researchers found that those with a wide circle of friends have an easier time dealing with stress and have a lower risk of heart disease than people who rely on only one or two others for support. That is, they don't see immersion as being based on quantity of time together, but rather immersing themselves in each other in whatever time they have-whether it's a lot or not.

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a good read i got from where else, Girltalk! :)

10. Perfectionist/ Mapili: Yes, isang taong perpeksiyonista. Yung tipong dapat ganito ang magiging kapartner ko. Pag may nakilala, nakita lang na pangit ang kuko o may dumi lang, turn-off na agad. O kaya ang daming ayaw. Ayaw sa mabait boring daw, gusto bad boy/pilya pero kapag pinaiyak ka tatanungin ka “bakit ang sama mo!” “bakit mo nagawa yun! Adik ka ba?!” Ayaw sa cute, ayaw din naman sa panget. Meron dyan gusto ka ayaw mo naman… Ung gusto mo halos magtambling ka na pero deadma pa rin yang stunts mo sa kanya! Pasaway ka rin e! Ano ba talaga kuya?

9. Busy-Busyhan: Opo, eto yung ang mundo e gumagalaw lang sa libro at ballpen kung estudyante ka o kaya naman sa computer at files kung office staff ka. Yung tipong aalis ng bahay ng alas 6 o alas 7 ng umaga at uuwi ng bahay ng 6 hanggang alas 8 ng gabi (baligtad naman para sa mga nag tratrabaho sa call center). Sabay tulog na. Kapag sabado masaya na sila sa tv, sa pagkain na niluluto ni mama at sa linggo naman sisimba at maghahanda na ng kelangan para sa lunes hanggang biyernes. Pssssst… ka muna and pause for awhile…

8. Friendship Theory: Ano naman ito? Eto yung ang buhay ay kay bestfriend o kaya kay special friend na hindi masabi-sabi sa friendship nya sa loob ng kanilang mahabang panahon na pagsasama dahil baka daw maapektuhan ang pakikipagkaibigan at iwasan sya. Yung tipong pag may kasama si friendship na iba, nagseselos na wala naman sa lugar, pero syempre wag pahalata, kunyari happy sya for friendship. ABA Oi! lakasan mo ang loob mo at baka mamaya forever mong pagsisihan yan kaw rin.

7. Born-to-be-one (Authestic): Eto yung nasa palad na ang pagiging single daw. Walang reasons. Basta lang nabuhay sya sa mundo na mag-isa at feeling nya mamatay sya sa mundo ng mag-isa. Kesyo magmamadre o magpapari na lang. Asa kang tatanggapin ka pa noh!

6. Happy-go-lucky: Eto yung taong walang alam kundi kasiyahan at trippings. Kahit sino nalang basta no string attach. For fun lang daw… Walang halong seryosohan. ABA hoy! yang init ng katawan mo e ikiskis mo nalang sa pader. Makakahanap ka rin ng katapat mo!!!

5. Wrong Place : May nakaranas na ba nito? Yung pakiramdam mo nasa ibang mundo ka. Yung ang nakakaharap mo e yung mga hindi mo gusto, yung mga hindi mo hinahanap. Alam mo yun? Halimbawa nasa ibang bansa ka, pero ang hinahanap mo e yung amoy ng nasa sariling bayan mo. O kaya naman e nasa sarili mong bayan ka, nasa normal na lipunan, pero ikaw ang abnormal at hindi mo kayang sabihin na abnormal din ang hanap mo kung ayaw mong ibitin ka nila ng patiwarik.

4. Wrong Time: Eto yung mga tao na sinasabi na, hindi pa ako ready e bata pa kasi ako o kaya naman hindi pa ako handa sa panahong ito, wala pa ako kayang ipagmalaki. Yes meron pong ganyan. Yung feeling nila may tamang panahon para sa love. Awwwwwww. Aba kelan yun? Pag uugod ugod ka na at yung time mo e bitin na? O baka naman pag pang out of time ka na? Oist, sugod lang ng sugod.

3. Si parents kasi: Yes, factor din ang komyunidad na ginagalawan mo. Una, ayaw pa ni mader o pader na magkaron ka kahit 22 anyos ka na at kelangan umabot ka muna raw ng 40 bago magkaroon ng gf/bf. O kaya naman ikaw mismo! Takot sa sasabihin ni parents at ni kapitbahay na tsismosa sa magiging kasama mo. Aba ikaw na nga ba ang sabihan na.. Alam mo hindi kayo bagay. Langit at lupa kayo. Awwwww. Payo ko sayo, Pakialam nila diba? Palibhasa inggit!

2. Traumatic Experience: Eto kalimitan ang reason ng marami. Ayaw ko na!!! Takot na ako mangyari pa ang nangyari dati! O diba ang drama ng layp? Yes, tama ka. Eto yung dahil sa past relationship mo, e until now ayaw mo ng magkaroon at sinumpa mo na ata ang magmahal. Dahil sa pinagpalit ka sa mas pangit, o kaya naman iniwan ka ng walang word na bye-bye, o dahil binugbog ka!, ano pa ba? Madami yan, wag na nating isa-isahin at baka tumulo si tears! heheh… Gayunpaman, eto lang masasabi ko mga hija at hijo. Iba-iba ang lasa ng pag-ibig. May mapait, may mapakla, may matamis at may maasim. Aba mapalad ka at natikman mo ang ibat ibang lasa nito. Kaya ikaw, Do not be afraid to fall in love again! Malay mo sweetness na ang malasahan mo next time. E di panalo ka sa lotto. Yan ang nagpapalakas sayo! Yang ang bumubuhay sayo, ang pag-ibig. tsk! drama!

1. EX to the nth power: Oi aminin!!! LOVE parin si Ex kahit 1 or 2 yrs na ang nakakalipas. May ganito naman. Yung tipong ilang taon ang nakakalipas, hindi pa rin makalimutan si ex. Yung pinagsamahan, yung tawanan, yung iyakan, at lahat ng nangyari sa inyo nung kayo pa. Malungkot man at sa kung anumang kadahilanan, maganda man o masama ito, kelangan nyong magpaalam sa isa’t-isa. YES, after a year sasabihin natin, I’m over him/her na, pero pag-usapan natin ang love at ang nangyari sa ating relastionship from thepast, TADANNNNNNNNNNNNN, eto na, sya agad ang naalala mo. At habang nagkukwento ka, ouch may kirot, o kaya may ngiti at may bumabagabag sa ating kalooban.. Ano kaya yun? AMININ mo na kasi. MAHAL mo pa si EX. Isa lang ang masasabi ko, well mahirap sya kalimutan alam ko yan! pero open your heart and makipagdate ka, lumabas ka, at try to entertain someone. Wag mo ikumpara si ex sa iba.

kung ako tatanungin? hmmm…kasi “halos” lahat ng lalaking nakikilala ko pare-pareho ng palusot para lang may maidagdag sa listahan ng mga babaeng nauto nila. bottomline is, wala pa akong nakitang lalaking masasabing kong worthy to take another risk :)

tsaka na lang…pag may oras ka na para sa akin at para hindi parang pilit ang pagbibigay mo ng oras sa akin.

tsaka na lang…pag alam mo kung ano ang pagkakaiba ko sa mga kaibigan, kabarkada at iba pang bagay na pinagkakaabalahan mo.

tsaka na lang…pag hindi mo na ako kayang saktan.

tsaka na lang…pag kaya mo ng tuparin mga pangako mo sa akin.

tsaka na lang…pag kaya mo na akong hindi ihuli sa iba mo bang pinagkakaabalahan.

tsaka na lang…pag kaya mo na akong gawing parte ng buhay mo.

tsaka na lang…pag alam mo ng hindi mo pala kayang mawala ako sa buhay mo.

tsaka na lang…pag kaya mo ng iparamdam sa akin na naaappreciate mo lahat ng binibigay at ginagawa ko para sa iyo at sa ating dalawa.

tsaka na lang…pag kaya mo ng ipagmalaki sa buong mundo na ako ang mahal mo.

tsaka na lang…pag lahat gagawin mo maging masaya lang ako at maramdaman kong importante ako sa iyo.

tsaka na lang…pag consistent ka na sa mga actions mo sa tuwing sasabihin mo sa aking aayusin natin lahat ito

tsaka na lang…pag talagang decided ka na na ako ang gusto mong makasama buong buhay mo.
kasi ngayon, pagod na ako.

masakit na mata ko kakaiyak.

masakit na din dibdib ko.

masakit na din ulo ko kasi nalilito ako sa pagkakaiba ng mga sinasabi mo at ginagawa mo.

masakit na din umasa, tapos sa bandang huli wala din palang mapapala.

masakit din kasi maniwala sa mga sinasabi mo ngayon, pero bukas iba na pala.

ang sakit-sakit na kasi.

kaya tsaka nalang…pag kaya ko na ding mawala ka para hindi na ganun kasakit.

at tsaka na lang…pag hindi na kita masyadong mahal.

anyways…while waiting for something to do work-related…i browsed thru my friendster list it’s been a long time since the last time i checked on my friends’ profiles. some haven’t changed at all..pero a lot of them did. some are already married, even posted their wedding pictures…i found myself browsing thru the pics, and to be honest, i feel kinda envious. but of course, i am happy for them! hindi naman inggit na galit ako, of course not. i may not be happy with my own love life (or the lack of it) but i can still say that i am happy that for those who have found it. nakakatuwa…i mean, some of them are those people who were broken-hearted before…i’ve known some who even said they stopped believing in love, pero ayun…they found the reason to believe in it once again, and who knows..maybe forever di ba?

i can’t stop myself from feeling kinda inggit. i even found myself telling myself “i wish i can be in that picture too..” or “i wish someday, i’d be walking down the aisle too” or “i wish someday, somebody will hold my hand and promise me forever…” and actually mean it of course! (sighs)

for some naman, i see pictures of their babies. some of them are single parents, pero seeing them in those pictures with their babies, i can tell that they are happy too. if not their babies naman, i see pictures of their significant other…boyfriends, girlfriends…gosh, gusto ko tuloy mahiya puro pagmumukha ko nasa photo gallery ko. i even saw one guy who posted a picture of her girlfriend with the caption “my future” (awwww)
i dunno if it’s me or what…pero while browsing, it’s like they were saying “hey, we are happy…and you’re not!” right to my face. or maybe it’s just another day when i feel so down and so alone. maybe that’s why i decided to go home despite the fact that the connection here kills me that it takes me forever to do my stuff when i connect to my computer in the office. or maybe, they’re right…they’re happy and im not.

isang mahabang HAYYYY….

yep, supposedly…but i am not. actually, i was pero “mejo” tapos ko na tasks ko for today so wait muna ako. today is thanksgiving in the US, and since my lead developer is in the US, i asked her if i can just work from home…besides, i don’t have anything urgent to do. luckily she said yes. so i went home. eto, online pa din while the rest of the people are sleeping already. and tomorrow, ako naman ang tulog.

by the way, i got another haircut. yep, hindi nakatiis. well, people are saying this one’s better. the first wasn’t. they say its so not me…mukha daw akong mabait. ^_^ at hindi daw bagay (ngek). so before going home, i decided to get a haircut. i tried ystilo salon, a block away from the condo. okay naman ang gupit, i look like a victoria beckham- wannabee. hahahah

wish ko lang…

dang…wag naman sana! if it is, that would mean i have to go and get another…haircut?

i had a haircut last weekend, hindi pa ako, i got some hairlights too. i dunno, i feel like i don’t like it. i look different…i look fatter! (waaaaaaa!) anyways, i’m gonna give it a few more days..pag ganun pa din, argh what the heck, papatabas ako ulit.

last sunday, after meeting up with odette (who’s enjoying singapore now, sigh) i watched “One More Chance” with you-know-who. (laughs) he’s so funny…imagine, he was in a blue sleeveless shirt and jeans with matching slippers. he really look siga and all, and there he was…watching the movie with me. when the movie was over, he was such in a hurry to get out of the cinema at nakakahiya daw. LOL you know naman guys, some of them aren’t proud to be seen watching this sort of movie…e ayaw ko pang lumabas ng sine, pang-asar ba. so he said we’ll just gonna stay til everybody’s out. hahaha…pero siyempre, being the sutil that i am…just when almost everybody is on their way out, i told him we gotta go. and yep, shempre ayaw nya…i was really laughing hard that time kasi he really looked embarassed and all, so i said “huy, tama na…wala ng kasunod yan, let’s just watch it again tomorrow if you want” as loud as i can. wehehehe…there were couples who heard that and they gave him a look and i swear, i saw them laughing too. buti na lang hindi pikon si voldemort, nakikitawa na lang siya. i even told him that i think it would be better if he would pretend to be gay by swaying his hips while walking…that way, it would be more understandable why a guy-looking like him watched that movie. it made us laugh harder kasi nga, the way he was dressed, there’s no way he’d be able to pull that off. wahahaha

i enjoyed the movie and the laughs i had with you-know-who. i missed laughing like that, and making fun of him like that. LOL

anyways, the movie is great. i think most couples would be able to relate to the story. i did…but i would say, i’d be more of john lloyd’s character. he did everything and gave everything, but she left her so she could find herself. buti na lang, wala talagang 3rd party kundi naku..sounds familiar na talga. wahahha. anyways, a lot can be learned in this movie. for one, don’t ever ever lose your own identity when in a relationship. this is what happened with bea’s character, which made her decide to go on her own. second, be really sure that you want to let go. dont think that you can always get back what you’ve given away. third, if there’s a problem…talk about it and do something about it. staying mum won’t do you any good. it’ll just probably make things worse. fourth, don’t take people for granted…most especially those people who loves you and stays with you. lastly, if you love somebody…set him free. kung kayo, kayo pa din talga in the end.

gosh, i can go on and on about it. but one thing i won’t forget in this movie is if two people are destined to be with each other..no matter what happens, they will still find each other.

kaka-inlababo!

it’s already past 3am and i’m still up…hehhe, weekend eh but instead of being out on a gimmick, eto i’m watching (not really watching, la lang choice kasi i don’t have a cable) Walang tulugan while waiting for my pictures to be uploaded sa friendster. While waiting, i decided to blog natin and make kwento of what i did kanina (as if there’s anything interesting, hehhe)

i woke up around 330pm and i remembered that i was planning to go to the gym all weekend and probably get a massage after. for days, i was scouting for where i can get a good body scrub and massage. i wish i can avail the royal javanese bath of The Spa where i can soak in a milkbath with roses pero ang mahal eh. kuripot ako, heehhe but i promised myself that i’ll avail that soon. Siguro, i’ll get that as a Xmas present for myself. For now, i decided to try the massage at Fitness First but i wanted to get a haircut first. So at past 5, i was already at Piandre-pplsupport to have my haircut. Nothing extraordinary naman….i just want to have a “porma” sa hair ko. Wala na kasing kaitsu-itsura. I’ll post a pic here one of these days.

At 630, i was at the gym na and i was planning to hit the threadmill first and then go to the jacuzzi and sauna buti na lang i decided to inquire about the massage muna. til 8pm lang pala sila..so i had no choice but to have the scrub and massage na lang…i so wanted to stay pa naman sa sauna after an hour or so sa threadmill…oh well.

So i got the pumpkin body scrub, avocado hair spa and swedish massage. it was good actually…my skin’s so soft after. pero the massage isn’t comparable to what i had when i first went for a massage. yung kanina is parang wala lang…or so-so. but i felt relaxed naman so okay na din.

i wanted to go to the mall, grab dinner and watch a movie pero the movie i wanted to see isn’t being shown at GB3. i don’t wanna go to G4 naman na mag-isa, though i used to do that. So ayun, i just grab a sandwich at Earle’s delicatessen then went home.

i know the way i spent my saturday isn’t that thrilling or exciting like the other or like the way they used to be…pero i must say i like it this way. i’d rather spend time at home watching tv or just tinkering with my abubots than being out drinking. ewan ko ba, tumatanda na nga ata talaga ako. but i’m also looking forward to doing that paminsan-minsan…pero walang chance eh. i mean my friends who i used to go out with hindi na din mahilig sa gimik. most of us would rather spend the weekend being at home and watch DVDs. ehehhehe, matatandang dalaga na nga kami.

anyways, i’m planning to get highlights for my newly-cut hair and prolly a mani-pedi later. i so wanna pamper myself. i also wanna go and buy a new pair of sandals…hay, sana i can gather all my courage to watch a movie at G4 alone. oh well…so that’s how a soon-to-be-oldmaid spends her weekend hhehhe..
ciao!

i know there are people who enjoys getting paid for doing practically nothing in the office…not that i am trying to be noble or modest at that, but i can say i am definitely not one of them. people who really know me would say that i’d prefer being buried in a pile of tasks than surfing the internet for whatever that would interest me. don’t get me wrong here, i do surf, chat too…and i can do it while being busy with work. i just love multitasking and i can say i am kinda good with it.

it’s been 3 days of just sitting here and reading various stories posted by my most recent favorite writer…i dunno what her real name is but she is really a good writer. i saw her works in GT (www.femalenetwork.com/girltalk) and i could say that she makes me want to fall in love again and look for my own shinta, derek and sean (read her works and you’ll know who they are). i think i’m gonna add her blog site too here so you can check the stories too. so, not that i am complaining of not doing anything and being stucked with her stories that i LOVE but this isn’t me. i can’t stay in the office and not work! i feel so…useless! so dumb and yeah, unwanted. i know some of you there would tell me i’m lucky to do nothing and get paid but, arrghh..maybe i’m such a martyr, or a masochist. basta, i love to work…not that i love my work. basta i love being busy! it helps me take off my mind from my so-called life na super boring.

hay…

i hate my boss for ignoring me. i’ve been sending a lot of emails asking for something to do, or to follow-up on some tasks but i get nothing. nadah…langya, pati ba naman sa trabaho invisible na din ako. Grrr…

sighs…

i bet, she wouldnt even notice if i don’t come in to work. i’ve been wanting to, kaso sayang naman leaves ko no. and besides, what will i do at home? sleep-eat-watch DVD? sheeett…i am such in a bad need of a social-life!!!

help me have one!

yes, i’m so damn tired. and this isn’t because of work since i was practically doing nothing all night except for reading a manga story which i find truly sobrang nakakakilig that i can’t stop. it was too late for me to realize that here i am again, falling in love with somebody else’s love story…what can i do? i only get to get kilig with somebody else’s, since i don’t have anything nakakakilig to share. drat! reading these kind of stories make me a fool for love all the more
so why the hell am i tired?

because of a lot of things…but mainly on trying so damn much to pretty much please almost everybody. i try so hard to do things to meet other people’s expectation of me. i try so hard to make all things possible, not minding if it causes me too much stress, anxiety and even anger. i even try to exceed what’s expected of me…and make sure that i give my best in everything i do. but what’s not good is i expect them to do just the same, that i end up frustrated and disappointed and most of all, hurt.

sometimes in doing so, i even try to fool myself and act as if i am okay even though in reality i am hurting so bad. the worst thing i can do is tell them i hate them or hate the things they want me to do, but i always find myself doing those things all over again. it makes me think that sometimes, i dont really mean what i say. is it lying? maybe so…i’m lying to them because i tell them i hate them for making things hard for me, but i continue doing it for i know it makes them happy. so maybe, i have been lying to myself all this time.

they say, that when you get tired…STOP. i’ve always wanted to do this. just stop…stop trying, stop pleasing people and stop hurting myself by not trying to push myself too hard. maybe i’ll try to be like them…expect others to do what i expect of them. to try a little, and if it doesn’t work, then i’ll stop and leave it up to them. or maybe just stop trying and do nothing.
for weeks now, i hardly get to sleep. if i do, it would be 5hours at most. i spend most of my “sleep time” lying in my bed thinking about a lot of things. all sorts…work, family, friends and love life (or the lack of it). sometimes i feel the nerves on my head thumping…it hurts so bad, and all i want is to go to sleep forever so i can stop worrying about things…about people who obviously don’t worry about me. sometimes i think that i am just wasting my time…but how can you be wasting time on things that matter to you?

little by little i get to realize that i am not only making things harder for myself…but for them as well. maybe i need to make myself unavailable for some time. if they can do it most of the time, then maybe i can do it as well…if not better.

:(

Knocked up…

Okay, now let me talk about the movie i was telling you all about nights ago. Actors are not really famous (feel free to correct me just in case), the only actress i get to recognized was the character played by the sister Debbie. And before anything else, let me first say that Katherine Heigl is so dammmnn gorgeous! Nice face, sexy body…hot! (okay, i’m beginning to sound weird now)

This is a story of two people who met in a club, got drunk and had sex: a typical one-night stand. But i am not sure if because of being too horny or simple stupidity (apparently, boy didn’t understand when girl said just do it!) boy didn’t use a condom and so after 2mos, girl tells boy: I AM PREGNANT!

Surprisingly, they didn’t consider to abort the baby despite of their obvious differences: Allison just got promoted and has a very promising career ahead of her and aside from that, she is drop-dead gorgeous, witty and rich. On the other hand, Ben doesn’t have a job, loves to get high, has a totally foul mouth and lives with a number of other horny and foul-mouthed people like him.

They tried to work things out by spending more time together, until they got very close until Ben proposed but did nothing to improve or at least change his way of living. Eventually, they fought and Allison decided to raise the baby on her own. After a short trip to Vegas, Ben realized that he needs to do something about his life if he wants to get Allison back. He got a job, an apartment, a car and started to read books on how to be a father to a new-born baby and other books that he and Allison bought. The scene where he was reading these books instead of choosing to go out with his friends is another tear-jerker for me. Babaw ba? hehehe, well i find it sweet.

Things turned out well in the end, of course. I am not sure whether they got married but it sure looked that they have a “happy ever after.’
I got to see and realized many things in this movie:

1. Two totally different people might work things out after all. Most especially if they love each other and they compromise. So i guess, compatibility isn’t really an issue when there is love.

2. I was so touched when Ben was on his knee, brought out a box and proposed to Allison…but box is empty. What touched me was when he told Allison that he will save for the ring that she truly deserves and for now he just wants to do the right thing. (Awww…)

3. A person no matter how irresponsible and immature he is will change as soon as he realized he wants to change. No person can change you unless you get to realize you need to. In the end, Ben decided to be an adult and start getting a “life” to make it better for him and Allison and their baby. His love to Allison made decide to be a better man. (hayy…nakaka-inlababo!)

4. Sometimes, life isn’t all about money or careers. In this movie, Allison just got promoted and getting pregnant might get her fired but she decided to have the baby. In the end, she got both.
O di ba…ganda ng movie? It made me realize that well, maybe there is still hope for me.

—————————

TGIS!

Yeyyy…weekend na naman! Buhay baboy na naman ito. Kain-tulog. :) But i’m thinking of getting a massage just because i feel like i am overly stressed na with work and with my so-called life! Grabe na sa kaboringan ang buhay ko…i wanna go out and enjoy, pero natatamad naman ako. And besides, gone are the days when i would prefer going to bars and getting drunk. Itutulog ko na lang.

I do have plans this afternoon though. I’d be attending the Mineral Makeup day of Sophie. I’ve been telling her that i’d attend pero i kept on breaking my promise…but this time i really wanna attend. Maybe if matapos na maaga, i can have then a massage. Hay wish ko lang.

Anyhoo…happy weekend to everybody!

on this same day, 14 years ago Monday around 8PM…he called and the girl picked up.

Girl: Hello?

Boy: Oy, pinapatawag mo daw ako? Bakit? (hey, they said you wanted me to call you? what’s up?)

Girl: Wala lang (Nothing)

*but honestly, he sucked for trying to pretend he doesnt know why

Boy: Ano nga eh…sabi nila tawagan daw kita. May sasabihin ka? (What is it, your friends told me you wanted me to call…is there anything you want to say?)

*still trying hard, but he still sucked

Girl: E alam mo naman na nga, kunwari pa to! (As if you dont know yet…stop pretending!)

Boy: Ano nga? (What is it?)

Girl: Hmmp..OO na. (Yes)

Boy: Anong oo? (what do you mean by yes?)

Girl: Nakakainis ka na ha. Alam mo na yun! (You’re starting to annoy me. you know what i was talking about)

Boy: (laughs) Talaga? O sige walang bawian ha.. (Really? No kidding? No turning back now, okay?)

Girl: Oo na nga! Sige na, babay na tawag na ako ni mommy (I said yes, didn’t I? Gotta go now, mom’s calling me)

Boy: Okay…see you tomorrow. Bye!

Girl: Bye

Right after putting down the phone, girl wanted to call him and take it back. Besides, she haven’t asked approval from her mom yet and for sure she’ll get mad. But what the heck, she can take it back after fulfilling his promise of taking her friends out to Jollibee. (hehhe, yep big deal)

She went to her room…she felt cold…anxious…scared…embarrassed. Not to mention guilty for not seeking approval from her mom first. But at the same time, she was somehow excited.

“Geesh, my first boyfriend”

The way she gave him the big Yes might not have been that romantic at all…and there even were thoughts that the relationship might turn out not to be a big deal after all.

“Di yan seryosohan…maghihiwalay din yan” (It’s nothing serious, they’ll separate soon)

Those thoughts were acceptable because back then, who would ever imagine that this relationship with unromantic beginnings will last more than a decade?

Too bad, it ended a year ago.