random ramblings of a self-confessed drama queen and schizo

sleep...

2010-02-23T15:08:00.002+08:00

i went home last night with a terrible headache and a slight fever...i went straight to bed and just wanted to stop myself from thinking too much. thinking bout things don't help...it never did.

i felt like i was able to sleep like a baby. a good 10 hours have passed when i woke up. i was supposed to feel a lot better after...but nope, i didn't. i was disappointed that i woke up. i should've slept forever instead.

there are times when i wish i'd die in my sleep. i sometimes pray not to wake up anymore. i sleep when i want to escape the reality...i sleep when i want to feel at peace and safe...i sleep when i feel like giving up.

i want to sleep forever.
i am tired. really, really tired.

please, make me sleep and never wake up again.

and then i realized...

2010-02-22T16:31:00.001+08:00

...maybe i deserve to be treated like this.

yeah..maybe that's it.

i deserve to be treated like this...
i deserve to be treated like this...
i deserve to be treated like this...
i deserve to be treated like this...

dunno what to do...

2010-02-22T16:07:00.003+08:00

why do i always have to feel that i am wrong and i falling short of everybody elses' expectations? all my life, i've been struggling to prove myself to people: friends, family, everybody. no matter what i do, and no matter how hard i try...i still fail.

sometimes i just wish that i wasn't born at all. when i came, i put lives in a big mess. growing up, i put people into big trouble and made them sacrifice a lot...and now, i'm still that same old pain-in-the-ass nonsense creature.

i can't seem to make anything that will make people happy nor proud of me. well, sometimes i do...but the aftermath would be a lot more devastating and frustrating. it's as if i never did anything right in my entire existence. i can't make sound decisions...i can't make feasible plans and worst, i can't even make my own life right.

i am tired. i wish i can just say "enough" and leave. but geesh, if i do that...i'd still be the one to blame.

what to do?

just today...

2010-01-12T17:40:00.003+08:00

i realized...
... that no matter what i do, i will never be enough.
... that i'll always be at fault
... that i deserved to be wronged
... that i am one selfish biatch
... that i never really know what is love and how to love
... that i dont deserve any better
... that nobody needs me

i hate myself and i wish i'd get lost and rot in hell.

no regrets...

2009-11-14T17:48:00.003+08:00

i always tell myself that i have no regrets in anything i did in the past. i might have lost in most of my battles, but what's important is that i gave my best. and no matter how tired and wounded i am after the fight, i would just shrug it all off and say "it's okay."

i wish i can do that now. i hope and pray that i won't come to a point when i would tell myself that i should have turned my back before. i am trying to convince myself that i made the right decision...and that i don't regret anything about it.

i wish i'd be strong enough to stop myself from saying "i was wrong..."

(sigh)

SHIT!

2009-11-05T16:15:00.003+08:00

nahhh, i am not cursing...it's just something i got online. quoting from him, it means "So Happy It's Thursday!" tomorrow's a Friday and the idea of finally being able to sleep for more than 4hrs during the weekend's more than enough to make me giddy.

i am feeling restless, ill-tempered and bored. Restless because i haven't had a good night sleep for the past 4 nights. Ill-tempered because my car's still stuck at a casa for more than a week now and no repair of any sort has started. I waited for a cab in the middle of a drizzle last night for more than an hour and a half hours, and it made me a lot more angry than i already am for the past (almost) 2 weeks since the accident happened. don't get me wrong, i am used to commuting but the thought of my car still messed up because of somebody else's stupidity drives me crazy mad. geesh, i still want to strangle that guy's neck whenever i see cars that look like mine.

and yeah, bored. hell bored, to be exact. not that i have nothing to do in the office, but because i just don't like what i am doing. i am working since this morning, but i feel nothing. i mean, i know this isn't the right way or the best way to do this but i have no choice but to do what i've been told to do. and i so effin' hate it. i hate it when people makes me feel stupid...and when i no longer know who i can and can't trust. it feels like most, if not everybody's wearing a mask. i still hope this is just me being paranoid...like what mom has been telling me "give them the benefit of the doubt." oh well!

an hour and a half to go and i'm off.
geesh.

rant...

2009-10-22T16:01:00.003+08:00

lately, i've been losing my temper over a lot of things. just when i promised myself that i'll try to be at least a bit more patient about things that i have little or no control of. but sometimes, things happen just to push you beyond your limit.

and yeah, i so effin' hate it.

yesterday, i had to get a cab for me to go to work. my car's in coding, and as a law-abiding citizen, i had to leave my car at home and commute...which is of no issue to me for i've been commuting eversince. i was so sleepy that i wanted to catch a few moments of sleep but the bumpy ride kept me awake. then i saw them...cars with plates ending in 5 or 6, speeding their way thru the traffic. and they are supposed to be in coding just like me!

i was furious that i asked the cab driver if the number coding is in effect in the area, and he said yes. geesh, so there i was, feeling all uncomfortable (and scared) with how i was being driven when i was just trying to follow rules...while those unmindful drivers seem not to care that they might be apprehended for being on the road when they shouldn't. and what's worse is the fact that are just being ignored by those traffic enforcers who are in the area as well. the cab driver said "swertihan lang talaga miss...tatakbuhan na lang nila yan pag hulihin sila." (it's just luck, they can just drive away when apprehended). tsk tsk...

and so what do you expect when your day started so wrong. not to mention that i just had 3-4hrs of sleep...and i was again late for work. i was feeling agitated the whole day...i wasn't able to understand a thing during our meetings and my stress level was too high for trying to convince myself that i can adjust to my assigned task at the soonest possible time.

of course i had to get a cab again on my way home. luckily, i was able to get one after just a few minutes of waiting. i got in, told the driver where to go, how to go there and sat back. i was on the verge of losing myself to some thinking when i noticed that the driver was trying to go on a different route. when i reminded him where to go and my preferred route, he was frustrated and even said that i should've told him earlier. ugh, i already did! i wanted to answer back on a more frustrated tone and blame him for not paying attention, but he's an old man...he's grumpy, and unreasonable, but he's old...reminds me of my grandfather so there's no point of arguing. but yeah, i hate it when i have no choice but to shut up.

i got home after almost an hour...man, he surely drives S-L-O-W. i was about to go straight to my unit when i decided to check on the car first. and what i saw really made me lose my temper. somebody (maybe some pathetic, brainless, uneducated asshole) poured some sticky residue on my car's hood and even traced the letter "B" for whatever dumb reason! there were also some trash on the windshield, as if my car looked like some sort of garbage can!

i just had the car washed the other day, and now this!? i had to wipe the residue off, or it will be much harder to remove it. i know that i cannot expect for my car to be squeaky clean all the time since i am parking outside (no choice, believe me) but what i cannot understand is how some lowlife can do things such as this to something which doesn't do him any harm. it was really pathetic. do they get some sort of satisfaction from being such an ass? is there some kind of "high" for bringing inconvenience to people you might not even know?

i was literally fuming last night. i'd slap that person who did this, or who would be doing this or any sort of vandalism to my car or any of my stuff. they have no right to destroy anything that they don't own...they aren't the ones who worked hard for it. i hate them...really.

i almost cried last night because of frustration. i talked to X about the car and he told me to just shrug it off. "don't worry too much about it, just have it cleaned." i felt sorry for him for he was the one who got it for me...but he said it's alright.

oh well...maybe i just woke up at the wrong side of the bed. or maybe, i was just too tired and stressed out from work...and these people who don't know how to follow rules, don't give a shit on what the others are saying or don't mind if they are are being such an inconvenience to other people really doesn't deserve anything and that it would be better to just ignore them...they are not worth it anyways.

(sigh)

Crushed...

2009-08-24T15:10:00.002+08:00

crushed.

that's what you feel when you've finally decided to let go of that one thing you've always want to have...that one thing you've always dreamed of when you were little and that only thing that you've always looked forward to all these years.

and do you know what hurts more?

when you pretend that it's okay, and it's no longer what you wanted.

and so no matter how much it hurts and how much it feels like its killing you, you have to accept the fact that it will never...ever happen to you. that one thing you've always dreamed of will never come true. and that just like everything else, you just have to accept that fact.

and of course, the best way to overcome this pain is to wear that mask to conceal what you really feel... the mask that you put on to show the world that you're perfectly fine and nothing can ever make you falter.

if they only knew.

I am TIRED...

2009-06-21T03:57:00.001+08:00

...of being so scared of being alone.

...of trying too hard to please everybody and still ending up disappointed when they don't even appreciate.

...of being invisible and taken for granted.

...of believing in promises that will just end up being broken.

...of falling for someone who promised me to be always there for me but would still leave me all alone as if nothing happened.

...of making myself believe that i am actually good at something, when i am not.

here i am trying to shake off this depression that has been attacking me for quite some time now. this is periodic, i know..and i should've gotten used to it by now, but what the heck...i am just human, and i can still feel...i can still get hurt...and yep, I AM HURT.

i want to go and never go back. i want to disappear and let everybody else look for me...like what i have been doing most of my so-called life. i want to forget everything about me...like what most of those people have been doing. i want to be alone, and this time be really alone...like really having nobody...and not having someone or somebody but still feel like i have none.

if i go, would you look for me? if i disappear and never go back, will you long for me? will you ever miss me? will you ever realize that you should've made the most out of those times i've been with you? or you won't even take notice that i am gone?

i feel empty...it feels like i have been drained of energy. i feel tired and restless...i am on the verge of giving up and finally letting it all go. i know that no matter what i do, and no matter how hard i try, i'd always end up getting hurt...so what's the use of trying all over again.

i am tired of picking myself up after hitting the ground...

i am tired of those empty promises...

i am tired of getting hurt...

i am tired of putting my heart on my sleeve and letting someone tear it to pieces...

(sigh)

i gotta go now...and i won't be looking back. please don't go after me (i am sure you won't anyway) and promise me that things will turn out fine, only to hurt me again. please spare me this time. i've given too much, and since you can't give me anything in return, please let me go...

thank you and goodbye.

just in time...

2009-05-28T19:25:00.004+08:00

was there ever a time in your relationship when you've asked questions like:
"how come there's no kilig anymore? it's so boring!"
"does he still love me? i can no longer feel it..."

once again, i received a forwarded email from an officemate about this. i remember getting this for the first time a few years back...and i must say, this one never fails to bring tears in my eyes.

and yep, it came just in time...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My husband is an Accountant by profession, I love him
for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean
against his broad shoulders.

Three years of courtship and now, two years into
marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The
reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all
my restlessness.

I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive
when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the
romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my
complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing
romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One
day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

"Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no
reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.

He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep
thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.

My feeling of disappointment only increased, here
was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope
from him?

And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change
your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's
personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered :
"Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will
change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a
mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause
your death, will you do it for me?"

He said :" I will give you your answer
tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and
saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk
glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....

My dear,

"I would not pick that flower for you, but please
allow me to explain the reasons further.."

This first line was already breaking my heart. I
continued reading.

"When you use the computer you always mess up the
Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save
my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have
to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.

You love traveling but always lose your way in a
new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your "good
friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm
the cramps in your tummy.

You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will
be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell
you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

You always stare at the computer, and that will do
nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we
grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those
annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the
beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand... and tell you the
colour of flowers, just like the color of the g low on your young face...

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is
someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet,
and die.. "

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of
his handwriting... and as I continue on reading...

"Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if
you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside
bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...

I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious
face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of
bread....

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as
much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...

That's life, and love. When one is surrounded by
love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the
true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and
cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and
boring form.. . flowers, and romantic moments are only used and
appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true
love stands... and that's our life... Love, not words win arguments...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOVE is not a feeling...but a commitment. Feelings fade, most especially as the years go by. Honestly, being in a 15-yr old relationship still makes me confused about this. There would be times when i'd feel bored, and feel like my bf is taking me for granted just because he would fail to do some things he used to do. And just like the girl in the story, i would oftentimes ask for a time-off...or would just hold myself back, just because i am thinking that he's not giving me enough.

but again, like the girl in the story...i'd realize that i am wrong... SO wrong. yep, my bf would often forget about important dates, would go out with friends instead of being with me just because i am too lazy to go out and have fun. sometimes, he would totally ignore me when i am throwing tantrums about something i just decided to complicate. and when he does that, i'd say "you are taking me for granted!" only to realize that i was the one at fault in the first place.

i tend to forget the most important thing he does for me: being with me when i need him the most, supporting me in anything i want to do, be sensible or not, just to make me happy. he may not always be there when i feel like i want him near me...but when the time comes that i am in a bad need of someone to keep me standing, he's there.

i remember the time when i wanted to do business...he gave me money to help me start...and it didn't go anywhere. i just became too lazy after sometime. last year, he knew i wanted to take up makeup classes so he gave me money for the tuition fee. a few days after, i wanted to drop out because i don't have money to buy stuff which i thought i need...though i have a lot to start with. he then asked me to meet him at the mall, and let me shop for the stuff i want...err, need. a month ago, i was again having tantrums and complained a lot about waiting endlessly for a cab to take me to work. i wanted to move somewhere near my work, and he said No. i was mad...thought he cared less for me. then he asked me to take up driving lessons because he'd be buying me a car when he gets back.

geesh...now, thinking all about these make me want to bump my head real hard against the wall. well, sometimes, all we need is a little reminder bout the good things we have in life for us to feel a lot better.

tata!

Mondays...

2009-05-18T20:26:00.000+08:00

i love Mondays...no more!

well, i used to love Mondays when you also used to make me feel that i am special and worth your time. gosh, i miss those times when i'd be crazy to be all giggling on a Monday and everybody else seems to be wishing that it's still a weekend. people get confused as to what makes me happy on a monday...little do they know that the thought of you waiting for me downstairs makes me happy and the thought of being with you for the next two days excites me like nothing else can.

i'd jump at the sound of your text telling me that you're on your way...and i'd almost fall off my seat whenever you'd send me a message that you're already waiting for me. i love the way you smile at me whenever you would see me walking towards you. most of the time, you'd frown if i'd make you wait a little longer but still...i love seeing you...i love being with you.

but now...everything seem to have turned 180. it's been quite a while since i last saw you...been quite a while since you last waited for me downstairs. i miss your laugh, your teasing, your smile, your jokes, your cooking...i miss you.

i've been longing for your warm embrace, your tender kiss and the soft whispers telling me how much you love and miss me. i miss holding your hand...i miss looking at you while you do your work...i miss everything about you.

i wonder where's that man who made me feel special all this time. i wanna shout on top of my lungs and ask "what went wrong? where are you? don't you miss me too?"

i am sure people would hear me...people would take notice...but not you.

it's sad to know how the person who makes you smile a great smile would be the same exact person who would make you break down and cry.

i wish you'd take notice...soon.

I HATE MONDAYS.

--------------------------------------------
pa-post ng kapitbahay...

How Deep Is Your Love...

2009-05-13T21:01:00.001+08:00

have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you start wondering how much the other person loves you…or maybe asking the question “does he love me more than i love him?” or “does he really love me at all?”

sometimes, we all come to a point when we would want to be re-assured of what they feel towards us. as petty as it seems, girls tend to be more insecure when it comes to what the other party is feeling. and this is simply because girls tend to give more…love more…and expect less, until well, they come to this certain point i’m talking about.

we often want to be told how much we are being loved…being missed and being wanted to be with. some girls may look strong, secured and confident when it comes to their feelings. but more often than not, these girls are exactly the ones who often need to be reminded that they are indeed special.

no matter how long you are in a relationship, we all need to feel wanted, loved and cherished at all times. yep, that’s how mushy we can be. we may doubt when you would tell us what we wanted to hear…but believe me (well, coming from a girl’s POV) we believe you. we just tend not to show it. but we are honestly grinning up to our ears. we can never get enough of love, most especially if it’s from that one person we love and we consider special.

some can even be so gullible that the words “i love you” will just melt their hearts and believe. and if that’s the case, these girls will be like slaves who are always on their toes for that guy’s every whim. and it’s sad seeing these girls with their hearts being broken sooner or later. it’s frustrating how some people would use LOVE to fool people. i wonder if they have a heart that can be broken too. or they just simply don’t take LOVE seriously. and i pity those girls who would do everything…anything to have LOVE.

...including yours truly. argh

Sabihin Mo Na...

2009-05-06T03:21:00.002+08:00

Bakit wala ka pa?
kasama ka'y parang nag-iisa
Pangakong magmamahal, aalis ka rin pala

Chorus:
Sabihin mo na
kung babalik ka pa
Para di na maghintay
Sabihin mo na kung aayaw ka na
Para lang malaman ko

Hmmm... Naririnig mo ba ako?
Sigaw ko ba'y walang tinig
Nakaya kong walang imik
Naririnig naman ako

Chorus:
Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para di na maghintay
Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para lang malaman ko
Hmmm...

Coda:
Iiyak na lang...
Iiyak na lang...
Hey yeah hey yeahhee...

Bakit wala ka pa?
Naririnig naman ako

Chorus:
Sabihin mo na kung babalik ka pa
Para di na maghintay
Sabihin mo na kung aalis ka na
Para lang malaman ko

--------------------------------------------------------------
"just tell me in case anything would change. i would want to know, no matter how much it would hurt. please, promise me that...."

and i held on to your words when you said you will. i believed you. i believed everything about you. and i started hoping for the best for us, though i know what we have is far from being normal. but still i hoped for the best. no matter how hard it would be for us...i believed in us.

pero bakit ganun? it's like the wind blew and in one snap, everything have changed. you had a 180 degree turn...or have you suddenly had amnesia? where are all your promises?

i asked you and you said nothing have changed. you had a lot of reasons...and i tried to understand. and finally, some sense knocked into my pathetic little brain...and i realized, you're gone. i have hoped too much...have held on too much...and believed too much.

i've been trying to defend you against me. i hate you for taking me for granted...but still at the back of my mind, i tried to reason out for you. but i already ran out of reasons to give myself. and i can no longer conceal the reality that you're not the same person who promised me all of those things before.

geesh, it's been so obvious all these time. how come i've been so stupid to realize that? bakit masyado kitang pinagtatakpan? bakit masyado kitang pinapaniwalaan? bakit masyado kitang minahal?

but you know what really hurts? hindi yung nagbago ka...but the fact that you didn't stay true with your promise that you'd tell me. i know i'll be hurt...but guess what, it does hurt all the more when you decided to just turn your back on me and act like as if nothing special happened between us. you could've at least be true to me...to yourself....that well, you've moved on? or probably, have changed your mind? i have no idea, really. what i know is that i'm left here clueless...nakabitin sa ere. laging naghihintay...sa wala.

why can't you just tell me? i am stupid...and stupid people are sometimes (or most of the time) in denial. sometimes, you need to be brutally frank just for us to really understand. sana sabihin mo na...para kung wala na pala talaga, iiyak na lang ako. but probably just for the last time. and then, move on as well. para isang sakit na lang, di ba?

do you hear me? do you have the slightest idea that i am hurting? do i need to shout on top of my lungs just for you to take notice?

tell me. i need to know. i need to stop crying soon...i need to stop waiting for you...i need to stop holding on to your promise that you'd love me and will stay with me no matter what. i need to hear it from you, that you've changed your mind.

please, sabihin mo na.

...

2009-04-10T01:36:00.002+08:00

sometimes, don't you wish to just disappear and leave everything else behind you? do you ever get tired of meeting other people's expectations and then apologize when you fall short?

minsan naman, you get tired of pretending to be okay when in fact, you're not. and then people will sort of feel bad when you feel bad just because they always expect you to be okay and be their clown. it's like you have no right to be sad or to stop being happy because you're the one who makes them happy.

i am tired. i know i tend to show a different me all the time. yeah, i'm an active (i think) beauty blogger and people might often think of me as somebody who doesn't care about anything else but makeup and how to stay beautiful. probably the only adjective they can think of about me is "vain" and that's it. period. but i am not.

i do think about something else. a whole lot something else. sometimes i get tired by just sitting because i have my mind thinking about a lot of things. what i would do today, what i would need to do tomorrow...and where will i be the next few days. i think about my family...how on earth can i help them and of course, i also think of where would i be years from now.

i must admit, i am not getting any younger. wtf, i am turning 30 next month and here i am...still a nobody, and having nothing. i honestly think that i haven't done anything good in my life. and that i haven't met any of my goals. i see other people being happy with their lives...seeing pictures of them with their families (husbands, wives and kids) and me? well, i do have pictures of my dogs...and err, will the pictures of my makeup count?

sigh.

i hate it when i feel like this. i feel all messed up and lost. i am tired of giving and meeting people's expectation....when they meet a little of what i expect from them in return. then i end up swallowing my pride and being the one apologizing when i should be the one getting mad instead. i hate myself when i cant stay mad at a person longer.

i know i am not smart...nor wise. i know too that i am not rich, nor famous. i just wish i am happy and yeah, maybe stable.

and i damn wish that people won't leave me just like that.

...

2009-04-01T15:31:00.003+08:00

kiddin!

:)

of course i wouldn't do that to you, my dear readers! no matter how hard my life would be, i will never EVER leave you. you've helped me in so many ways...and being with you in this world of blogging makes me feel that i have a lot of friends (even sisters) though i haven't met most of you yet in person!

sorry for playing a joke today, my dearies. i am just so bored in the office and i remembered that it's April Fools' Day! :)

i hope you forgive me :)

(hugs and kisses)

and yeah, this means that you would have to bear with me and my boring posts! LOL

on being a model employee...

2009-03-19T18:23:00.003+08:00

i am too busy in the office...

see...i am too focused!

with...

nyahahaha...

oh wells...i deserve some rest too, yah know!

(i don't suggest you do this too, though...LOL)

my future...

2009-03-19T18:22:00.002+08:00

3 weeks to go...

(yummy) dinner at DAMPA...

2009-03-19T16:51:00.003+08:00

just when i told myself that i'd be dieting starting this week, an officemate invited us out for dinner as her birthday treat...woot! where? DAMPA Macapagal! ugh, for somebody who loves seafoods, i'd definitely set aside my dieting for this! i love, love, LOVE seafoods! i can eat shrimps, crabs and squids anyday...everyday!

it's been awhile since i last had a hearty dinner at Dampa (last time was X's despedida)...and we usually go to Trinity. i know i need to lose weight...but i'd just assume i suffered from amnesia and totally forgot all about it. LOL!

Rodney, Eva, Crischelle and Vernon

Crischell, Vernon, Iamsutil and Evalyn

Rodney, Iamsutil, Evalyn and Crischell

the birthday celebrant with Vernon

smile, Rodney!

the dinner was great! we feasted on shrimps, crabs, squid, fish and green mangoes. i literally pigged out! too bad the rest of the project team didn't go with us.

i'll surely miss the team when "that time" comes. my stay in the company isn't that long but i was able to find good friends. we had our ups and downs in our project (we still have) but we got through it all. i found not only friends but a brother and sisters. we got into some misunderstandings (me always being high-pitched) but it's all about work...we forget all about it once we're out of the office. kumbaga, trabaho lang...walang personalan.

i hope the whole team would be able to go out for dinner (in Tagaytay, hopefully) soon!

passing time...

2009-03-14T01:43:00.002+08:00

it's almost 2AM, and i'm still in the office. i am guessing i am alone...i am not quite sure though for i am practically isolated in the training room. our project team have been held "hostage" in this room for weeks now, for our project deployment. we're done with the deployment, but not sure until when we'd be staying in this room. honestly, i prefer to be here rather than stay where the other employees are. don't get me wrong...i am not being an anti-social or something...its just i like it here better.

so anyways...i was supposed to catch the last bus going to the province. but i missed it. actually, i did it on purpose. i was out earlier with some officemates to visit the CROCS sale...talk about suckers for SALES, huh!? hehehe, unfortunately, we came in late. so we went there in vain.

we then passed by my The Fort...where i'd be working next soon. I dunno if i'm supposed to be excited about it or not. I must admit, i'd be sad to leave my friends here in the office. I enjoy their company and though we tend to throw sarcastic jokes at one another most of the time, i love them. we've been thru hell in this project...but i think we went thru it anyways. they are not merely my officemates...but my friends. i will surely miss them.

sigh.

i've been thinking about a lot of things lately (i always do!) i know there are things i need to act upon the soonest possible time, but i just can't bring myself to it. i'm not the type who hates changes, i think you'd know that by now...but i just don't want people to get hurt, or get myself hurt in the process. my life has been so complicated all these years, and i think i just make it more complicated by entangling myself into things i am not even sure that i can handle. i am such a masochist, you know.

i need to revamp my life, i know. i know what i have to do, and why i have to do it. but, for the life of me, i just don't want to do it right away.

yeah, call me stupid.

even stubborn.

i've been wasting time, i know. i'm turning 30 this year, and i haven't gotten anything i can be proud of. geesh, if only i can be proud of my makeup collection...lol!

damn...

my baguio trip...

2009-03-11T18:32:00.000+08:00

and so i boarded the bus around 4am, i was so darn tired and sleepy that i slept throughout the trip. actually, i can hear voices around me, most especially the conductor shouting on top of his lungs that it's a stop over...but i was too tired to get up and eat or go to the cr.

almost 6hrs later, this is what i first saw when i opened my eyes:

honestly, i got teary eyed. LOL!

i've never been to baguio in almost 7 years! i spent 4yrs of my college life there and i think it's the first time i got to appreciate the place. when i started seeing some familiar places, i got to reminisce my life back there. i am thankful that mom decided to send me there for college. i so love the weather...

i went straight to Camp John Hay to meet my friend, Merie Cris (the bride-to-be). after 2hrs of chitchat, i was told that we would be on our way to lunch. i hurried to take a bath, and would you believe i went out without any makeup on!?

yaiks! good thing i brought my sunnies...mom's indeed right when she told me that all i need is a good pair of shades (and a red lippie) for no-makeup days.

yours truly and the bride-to-be

The Manor Suites (Camp John Hay)

we went to the wedding venue to check out the garden where the wedding will be held. this place is so beautiful! i actually wished that i get married there (if ever i get married, lol).

i just realized how much i like (if not love) Baguio. too bad i didn't have enough time. but i was able to drop by SM Baguio and strolled down Session Road which is closed at that time for their extended Panagbenga festival. I had some flashbacks while walking down Session Road. (sigh) i promised myself that i'll be going back soon.

i'll post pics of the wedding later...

tired...sleepy....but excited!

2009-03-06T22:23:00.000+08:00

for weeks now, i haven't had enough sleep. i've been working for more than 12hrs a day, pass time just staring at my ceiling and sleep for 3-4hrs. what a life!

i missed blogging...doing reviews and granting requests for looks, etc. i miss meeting with my friends and have fun. my work occupied most of my time...i barely have a life!

but hopefully, next week is the last hell week here in the office. finally, our project would be over soon (and so are our jobs...lol) but at least, we (me and my teammates) would be able to rest and relax. geesh, i can hardly wait.

today, i got home at around 4am (went to work at around 1pm) but instead of going straight to bed. i spent more than an hour preparing stuff for my trip. i am going to BAGUIO! (woot).

for those who don't know, i spent my college days in Baguio (summer capital of the phils). but it has been more than 6yrs since i last visited there. i haven't seen the famous SM Baguio...but that's my first stop as soon as i got there (well, probably after i get some sleep since i'd be arriving there early morning and it's still closed). i promised myself that i'd see it. in as much as i wanted to go and visit my Alma Mater, i can't. i'd be busy keeping my good friend company. oh, i'd be Maid-of-honor (for the 2nd time this year) on her wedding on Sunday. I'd be doing her makeup...but of course, i'd be there to share their very special day.

ahhhh....i am so excited. really, i am. i can hardly concentrate with work. i have lots on my plate but all i kept on thinking about is BAGUIO...BAGUIO...BAGUIO. and yeah, tomorrow would be "session road in bloom" and i am so damn lucky to get the chance to see it again after 9yrs.

(do you think i over packed?)
LOL!

hopefully, i'd be able to blog as often as before starting next week. i have loots that i am excited to show you, ladies. it's not much, though. but i've been trying to beat stress by shopping.

weeeee...I AM SO EXCITED!

dead man walking...part 2

2009-02-21T02:00:00.002+08:00

...37 minutes past 2AM, and i am still in the office. i can feel my head spinning and my eyes half closed. i haven't slept much for a couple of days now. it's a saturday today but i barely have 3 hours to sleep before i prepare for a shoot at 9AM. dang, i wish i can still come up with something beautiful for my client despite my lack of sleep. or probably, it's better if i pray that i get up on time.

sigh.

it's hell week this past week in the office...and for the next weeks to come. on top of that, i have gigs lined up. i want to take a break....i am so damn tired. and yep, sleepy.

good thing i'm not breaking out (yet)...but i can feel they are popping out soon.

i can't stop looking at myself on the mirror. i look so haggard, and my eyes...terrible!

i feel like i've been missing a lot nowadays...but at least, i get to stop worrying bout some things for a while.

ugh. gotta go now...

and i am thankful....

2009-02-11T21:59:00.002+08:00

'twas just one-of-those days in the office. yesterday, i was working from home. i hate the office...i hate the project, and yeah...i hate some people that i work with. i know that the word "hate" comes too strong. but this is me, i may tell you "i hate you" often but for me it just means "i don't like you NOW." so there.

anyways, so i had no choice but to come in to the office today. i basically ran out of reasons why i would need to stay at home instead. so i literally had to drag my pathetic ass and go to work. my day started okay, but i must admit, i am TRYING SO HARD to focus with work. a lot of things have been happening in the office, and soon...God forbid, i might be losing my job AGAIN.

but you know what...i do feel that HE really loves me. i know i have been doing a lot of bad things lately, and worse, i might have been forgetting to praise and thank HIM. but HE continues to shower me with blessings.

last monday, i had an interview (just when i am on the verge of losing my job for the second time)...and yesterday, i got a schedule for another interview with the same company. and it turned out fine! i don't have any good news yet but hey, to know that the interviewers are impressed with you is one good reason to be happy and perhaps, be proud of? i mean, i haven't lost my job yet and here it is...another prospect (i hope). this happened to me for a lot of times already. i remember last year, when i got declared as redundant, i was able to find a job even before my last day at the office. and now, this. i am not yet sure if i'd be able to get this job, but it did give me a reason to smile and believe that HE gives me signs that there is still hope.

another thing...i stumbled upon a blog, a very inspiring blog. i get teary-eyed with every post i was able to read. and yep, i read ALL of it in one sitting. (and just when i really need to finish my office tasks, no?) i love all his posts. made me stop and ponder about life...about all the things i have to be thankful for, and stop worrying about a lot of things that have no sense at all. it made me feel ashamed of myself, because i whine endlessly when there are a lot of people out there who might have a bigger problem than me but are still thankful about the little things they get everyday. his posts are touching, and i admire him on how he expresses himself in his writings. i wish i can be like that too....damn, i wish i have a blog like that too. one that inspires and make people really think about life. i have a blog that talks about makeup, and this one that well, about my endless and nonsense ramblings.

and oh, here's the blog: TYNETHOUGHTS

WFH...WTF!

2009-02-08T01:34:00.004+08:00

Sunday, 30 mins past 1 in the morning....

yep...i am working from home at this time!

ugh.

and i thought i'd be able to run the scripts i've created last week...apparently, i won't be able to. the permissions set to the user i've created are all messed up. instead of just being a member, they gave it ADMIN rights. so yeah, i won't be able to execute my now-ready scripts. instead of execution, i would need to resort to creation of those effin' scripts for an ADMIN user.

dammit.

sniff.

but of course, they do need to SORT out the permission settings FIRST.

oh wells...what else is new, no!?

good thing i can't be in real bad mood today. i just had a great dinner with family at Seafood by the bay in Subic...and of course, food is one good reason for one to stay in a good mood. BURP. i am so FULL, and man, i mean FULL! goodluck to fitting myself in my office slacks next week.

okay, okay..other things i have to be thankful for:

- mom's done with the operation. there were some benign (thank God, they are!) cysts that were removed.
- X is feeling a lot better now. at least, he's now being able to get a good night sleep
- my new loots! ugh, read my other blog for more details (wink)
- i am with my family this weekend.

so there. i guess working from home at this time of night, err, morning is not really bad. at least i am with my family and to top it all, i have a great view of my sister now asleep (frowning, mouth slightly open and all....tee-hee)

nyt everyone...gotta get back to work!

ciao.

...

2009-02-04T17:18:00.002+08:00

knees are weak....
eyes are half-closed...
hands are cold...
can't focus...
feeling dead tired...

am i dying? sometimes, i wish i just am. i want all these things to end. my body's resting but my mind seems to be running in circles. my life's worse than a big rollercoaster ride. i'm tired of anticipating what comes next...and how soon will i fall flat on my face again.

i want some fresh air. i want to be somewhere else. anywhere but here.

i'm really getting bored.

i want to feel excitement again...i want to feel different again.

i no longer want to be ME.

tso wut!?

2009-02-03T20:22:00.000+08:00

hmp!

uh-oh, a rant post (kinda).

okay, so i was busy with work when a friend of mine popped up a message asking "so where's your date this coming V-day?"

huh? wut the hell...

i closed the window and signed-off, checked my calendar and whoa! it falls on a saturday.

arrrrghhhhhh!

yep, by now you know that i'm one of those who's not excited about the coming v-day.

wanna know why?

first, X isn't here. so by all means, attack me if ever i'd say that i'll be going out on a date (a romantic date, that is) on saturday.

second, i can't remember even a single V-day that i went out on a date. i dunno...we do go out before or after that day, but never on the day itself. X hates the traffic...i would want to say me too, but of course, who wouldn't want to go out on a date on V-day? it may be corny, but hey, i'm still a girl (the last time i've checked, lol) and i still go mushy at times. i guess being pampered and spoiled on Valentines day won't hurt.

third, i will again get flowers from friends who get flowers from their BFs. yep, if a friend or an officemate would get a bouquet of flowers...they will give me at least one flower. you know, just so i have one too. bummer!

fourth, this coming V-day falls on a saturday. damn it, i won't have an excuse why i'm not out on a date. at least i can say that i'm stucked with work and have no time. but geesh, it's a weekend! boo-hoo!

good thing it's my cousin's bday on V-day...so i guess i'll have my ass on my way to the province instead, celebrate her birthday and sleep early.

GAH!

oh well, nevermind me ladies...i just woke up at the wrong side of the bed.

LOVE MYTH...

2009-02-03T17:34:00.003+08:00

Do you ever wonder if you really have a soulmate?
Do you ever wonder why there are gays and lesbians?
Don't you ever wonder why some people love their same sex?
Do you ever wonder why some people love their opposite sex?
And do you ever wonder why these love are indestructible?
Why do most people seem to cannot live without someone to love?
And finally, why is it that people do not know what they have until it is gone?

Let me tell you about the Myth of Love...

It was said that before, in the origin of times, there were three sexes;male, female, and androgene.
Original humans do not look like how we humans look today. Humans before were said to be twice of each person now, with two heads, two pair of eyes, two pair of lips, four hands, four feet, twobodies, two hearts, and of course two genitals.

Then, if the person has two vaginas, that is a female. If the person has two penis, that is a male person. If the person has both the two different organs, a vagina and a penis, then that person is an androgene.

They said that androgenes were the most beautiful people among all because they have mostly the best features and characteristics of both the male and the female.

Because these people dream of being in heaven, even if they already have the heavens in their selves, they want to experience it even for just a little while.

And so they climbed to Mount Olympus. Zeus got furious upon seeing the people going up the mountain. He said, “How dare theseimmortals climb our wondrous world? And to think I'd let them experience it! Especially now that they do not cherish what they have!!!” He got so mad that he used his lightning bolts to cut each person in half to make them weaker enough so as not to continue on climbing.

The God of Healers healed the wounds of the people cut in half. And from then on, everyone started to look out for their pair the moment they gotdown from the mountains.This is why there is the term soulmates. Their bodies, in which their souls rest, used to be one. Therefore soulmates.

They said that this is also the reason why there are people who love their same sex, the gays and lesbians. They are the males and females before. And this also explains why gays are creative, because they are both males before, they tend to concentrate on what they lack. The same thing for lesbians. Because they are both females before, they tend to be strong as not to be underestimated.

Androgenes would be equal to male and female lovers. That is why nowadays these couples are the most acceptable, stronger, and the most beautiful among all partners, they have the strength of both males and females.

Lovers nowadays, whether gay, lesbian, or male and female couples, are indestructible because they are the pairs before. They are really meant to be.

This myth also explains why it is natural for people to just realize the value of the people they love only when they are about to be gone or are already gone. Because this happened even before, and we become weaker without our pair. We realize that we need them, truly love them, and that together, we are stronger.

This is also why we kiss. We always try to find the lips wherein ours will fit well.

This is also why we like to hold hands with the one we love, to find out if the spaces between their fingers are the spaces where ours used to lay.

And finally, this is why we always find someone to love. We always want to complete ourselves... Because we need the strength of the one we love in order to go on with the hardships of life... we need to fill in a missing space... and most of all, because we used to have two hearts. We need to find the other one.

monday blues...

2009-02-02T11:31:00.003+08:00

i hate mondays.

sniff.

just when i told myself that i'd come to work early, i was still awake at 5am. my eyes were closed but i wasn't sleeping. i can even hear the sound of my clock ticking. i probably dozed off to sleep around 7am, and stood up minutes before 9 when i was supposed to be up by 8am so i can make it around 10 in the office. as usual, i came in past 11.

and another stupid cab driver really made my day. tell me, am i really supposed to give them directions? i hate it when people talk to me when i'm not in the mood. most especially when all i want is to shut up and nab some minutes of sleep on the way to the office. the next time a cab driver asks me bout the directions, i'll probably ask him if we can just switch places and just let me drive myself. dammit. geesh, now i'm really wishing to have my own car.

and what about work? as usual...i am so pissed off. i can hardly feel being part of this team. i just wanna go home and sleep instead of hearing them go yadah yadah and yet no sensible plan of what to accomplish for the following weeks. yep, not sensible. all i get to hear is a couple of yadah yadah yadah. sometimes i just wish that all questions are answerable by either a YES or a NO. no more, no less.

i had to go to lunch by myself coz i was really pissed off. i dont want people to go asking why i'm quiet...i'm afraid that i wont be able to get hold of myself from stabbing people. i can hardly bring myself to smile. i really hate my day today!!!!

so yesterday, i just stayed at home and watched TV. early evening, i started with my Gossip Girl season 1 marathon. i can say i love the series....i am so outdated! my sister knows everything about it, and even knows the story behind the characters' real lives. maybe i am just getting really old...i let most things pass. i feel so outdated...yep, i feel so OLD!

i was eating my late lunch yesterday when my eyes got hooked on this tv show in channel 2. and boy, the story's so familiar. so damn, familiar. i cried towards the end...but it's a series, so i would probably watch it again next week and the following weeks. no matter how hard it screams "this is your effin' story, biatch!"

and so i thought, it was all coincidence. but when i went to 711 earlier to get this month's issues of my fave magazines...my eyes were again caught by a topic in the mag. damn, am i being ridiculed now? i feel like everything's connected to me. pinariringgan ba ako!?

woooo-zzzzaaaaaa..

breathe, jheng. breathe.

i know it's not all about me. maybe it's all coincidence. maybe a lot of people also have the same kind of effin life that i have.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME. remember that.

a long way to go before this day ends. wish me luck.

tata!

how effin' frustrating...

2009-01-30T17:06:00.002+08:00

effin' tired...effin' bored...effin' knocked out of my wits.

why on earth do i worry too much? i worry about a lot of things: work, friends, family...even the environment, politics, yadah-yadah. and i know i shouldn't...well, maybe a bit. but not to the point of draining my almost-extinct . when i should be worrying about myself.

fuck. yeah, i am saying it while typing. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

sorry.

maybe i just woke up at the wrong side of the bed. it feels like this day started so wrong. everything seems to be out of placed. first, i woke up late when i was supposed to come in early to work. second, the cab driver annoyed me to death. he kept on asking me about directions...well, i know it doesn't sound so bad...but why the hell does he sound so sarcastic and full of angst? geesh, it's not my effin' fault if he's stupid with directions. i am known to talk so loud that friends would ask me if i happen to swallow a mega-phone when i was a kid, but he can't seem to hear me each time i answer his questions. so he always end up on the wrong way. and he looks at me as if it's my fault!

third, i've been trying to contact my friends about a meetup this weekend. and nobody...not even one, replied. so all this time, i was expecting our original schedule to push thru thinking that it's final. WRONG! apparently, they had a change of plans...so now that i won't be able to make it, they would need to re-sched it again so i can come. okay, do i need to feel guilty now? nope...coz i am not going.

fourth, i am sooooo pissed off with work. i try to be as useful as i can but how come i feel like i am not part of the team? my efforts are being put to waste...i'm being bypassed and i have this feeling that the client thinks that i suck with what i do.

fifth, i worry about someone who doesn't seem to care at all. ugh.

(sighs)

i feel like my head's going to explode. i haven't had a decent sleep in days now and i still worry about other people...about a lot of things.

FUCK.

i wanna sleep.

what does my name mean?

2009-01-22T16:18:00.000+08:00

i know i am supposed to be working now...but i can hardly concentrate with work. i just keep on reaching for those bags of chips scattered on the table. the project team decided to isolate ourselves inside the training room and we ended stuffing ourselves with endless supply of chips and other snacks. LOL

i saw this post from Tara, and i wanted to try it out myself:

so wanna know what "Anne Brigitte Santos" really means?

BOLD AND FEARLESS

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

(ouch...i got hit, bullseye!)

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

(so right)

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

(just because IAMSUTIL...hahaha)

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

(uh-oh)

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

(yep...though i like talking bout my issues, i hardly appreciate it when people start to give me advices. unless they tell me things i actually wanted to hear. i can be a uber stubborn, too!)

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

(hmmm, i confess that i prefer being away from home at times. i like being alone. weird, coz people think i love going out and being with people. well, yeah but i still prefer being alone. but not all the time!)

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

(oh, really? me a total package? wreck can be a better term)

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

(the last statement is soooo effin' true!)

wanna try? click here.

why do they disappear....just like that!?

2009-01-22T09:11:00.000+08:00

i got a call from a friend of mine...she was crying. i was still half-asleep when i picked up the fone, but i immediately got on my feet when i can hardly understand what she's saying because of her sobs.

and then she finally had the strength to tell her story:

"he was sweet to me...he was so eager to be with me all the time...he told me he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me...he was so thoughtful and he said he misses me all the time."

okay...as i took note of the word "was."

"but nowadays, it's like he doesn't give a damn. he rarely replies to my messages. if he ever does, it'll just be short...cold. it's like he had forgotten me...what i am to him, what he is to me, what we had. i wanted to talk to him about it but i just feel so stupid trying to get his attention. he'd say sorry but he'll be like that again in no time."

ugh, sounds familiar.

and i told her "i can only think of one reason...and that is, he had lost interest on you. so he's trying to give you a hint: giving you cold shoulders = it's over"

"just like that!? i am being dropped like a hot potato?"

"well...you can put it that way. telling you he's busy is crap. hello, as if it would take him hours to send you a reply...or days to give you a call just to assure you that he's okay but he can't just talk to you or be with you. he ignores you as if he doesn't care. oh maybe, he doesn't really care...anymore."

"why can't he just tell me that...right on my face?"

"(some) men are like that. they say don't want to hurt your feelings...as if they aren't hurting you already. probably they just don't have the guts to tell you that hey, you aren't as interesting, as hot, as attractive as before....so i'm gonna go now and look for a new one."

and my friend cried all the more.

geesh, sometimes i just hate myself for talking too much.

i know it hurts...and hard to understand. but it's just how things are. people change...feelings change. one minute they want you, and the next minute, they don't. they love you now, tomorrow they can love you less...until it's all gone.

unfair? yeah...but can you really blame them if they are just like that? cold-heartless pricks? oh, excuse me for the term. i know this isn't my issue. but i surely had my share of experiences similar to this.

i told her to stop calling or texting. sooner or later, the prick...i mean, the guy would call and would probably tell her he misses her. if he doesn't, well...forget him. he's not worth it. if he can't be man enough to tell you his exact reasons for his actions now, how can you be sure if he'd be man enough to stand by you no matter what.

she's hesitant...so i told her to give the guy a call and curse him to death. kidding....hmmm, maybe she can send her final message to the guy and then delete his number and his memories forever.

of course, it's easier said than done.

it hurts, i know. but it won't kill you.

---------------------------------------------------

KISAPMATA

Nitong umaga lang,
Pagka galing-galing
Ng iyong sumpang
walang aawat sa atin.

chorus

O kay bilis namang
Maglaho ng
Pag-ibig mo sinta,
Daig mo pa ang isang kisapmata.
Kanina'y narlang o ba't
Bigla namang nawala.
Daig mo pa ang isang kisapmata.

Kani-kanina lang,
Pagka ganda-ganda
Ng pagkasabi mong
Sana'y tayo na nga.
Kani-kanina lang,
Pagka saya-saya
Ng buhay kong
Bigla na lamang nagiba

chorus

kani-kanina lang
pagkalambing lambing
kani-kanina lang
pagkagaling galing
kani-kanina lang
pagkaganda ganda
kani-kanina lang
pagkasaya-saya

...

2009-01-12T18:51:00.004+08:00

tired.

restless.

getting more hopeless by the minute.

questioning why life is like this (well, at least for me..)

don't i deserve good things in life?

how come other people out there doesn't have to worry like i do? i feel like i have lots of things to worry about...and that i have tons of responsibilities and obligations to take care of...while they just worry about themselves, and some don't even have to do that. other people does the worrying for them.

can't i have that as well?

my life is going nowhere...i am getting tired. and to think i haven't accomplished anything yet.

i'm scared...so scared that i'll just end up being a nobody. a worthless, pathetic bitch.

and what's worse? it's when you get all the blame and people would say "i told y0u so..."

damn, i wish lighting would just strike me here....right now.

McDo's new commercial...

2009-01-11T14:16:00.001+08:00

has anyone seen it?

i woke up this afternoon (oo na, late na ako nagising!) and i turned on the tv and saw this.

ugh. i became teary-eyed. (yeah yeah, pathetic crybaby). bakit ganun no? hindi din sila ang nagkatuluyan. to think they have been friends since childhood...lintek, torpe ba si guy at nde man sha nakaporma kay girl? isn't it heartbreaking to see people who love each other (or might have something special for one another) not end up together? ano ba naman un? nakakasama ng loob. nauuwi na lang sa tinginan...sa reminiscing. accckk!

hay...nasobrahan ata ako ng tulog this time.

sniff.

HANCOCK: a love story?

2008-12-27T22:21:00.003+08:00

before going home to the province for the holidays, i finally found time to watch the DVDs that were long sitting on top of my player. i rented them more than a week ago, and for sure my penalty would even be higher than their price had i bought them instead (the pirated ones, of course...tee-hee!)

first one i popped into my player was the movie Hancock (i know, i know...i'm so outdated!). this movie really made me curious coz i remember some colleagues talking about it months ago. i just love superhero movies, and this one, according to them is way different.

and they are so damn right. i chuckle each time i'd see Will Smith taking off to fly. he's such a disaster! and geesh, he's one scary super hero too. LOL!

but of course, the movie has lessons to offer. some points i have learned:

1. everybody deserves a chance to change. no matter how twisted a person is, he deserves a fair chance to change himself for the better. and it helps to have people around you who believe that you can indeed change. of course, nobody wants to be hated or ridiculed. everybody wants somebody to be proud of them, and everybody longs for the feeling of being wanted. if only everybody would be given a chance to prove themselves, i guess the world be a much better place to live in.

2. love is sacrifice. i cried a lot when i found out that Hancock has a wife...and that they love each other in the past (and maybe until now) but they can't just be together. it sucks...(and i thought this only happens in my so-called life, lol). imagine, sacrificing your own happiness for everybody else's sake. they both knew they can't be together...and that it would bring the world so much peace and happiness if they aren't together. it hurts to see people who love each other turn their backs away from each other. but yeah, everything happens for a reason...and i know it sucks, but their sacrifice isn't going to waste after all.

i love the movie....made me realize a lot of things...love can change a person, and yet, sometimes love just ain't enough.

ugh.

people come and go...

2008-12-25T00:14:00.000+08:00

...and i always get left behind.

i wish that someday, i'd be the one to leave...and the one who'd never look back. no matter how hard they try to ask me to stay, i hope i'd have the courage to just continue walking away.

i got hurt so many times already...but how come it's me who feel guilty? maybe i am at fault...maybe it's really me who's at fault. and yeah, maybe i do deserve to be left behind after all.

dead man walking...

2008-12-04T03:11:00.002+08:00

nope...not that i am sentenced to death. but yep, 2 days of no sleep (at all) literally made me look like i'm from the grave. damn these eyebags and dark undereye circles.

i am not sure why my insomnia has been attacking again. i've stopped taking sleeping pills months ago and never had any difficulties getting a good night sleep. though i still get to sleep less than 5hrs during weekdays, at least i get to sleep! but now, i'd be lying on my bed from 2am and my eyes will still be as wide as that of somebody who suffered from electric shock by 6am.

it's past 3am and i am still up. i was so effin tired when i got home from work, just used some wet wipes to remove my makeup and i went straight to my bed. with my work clothes still on, hahhahaa. but 2hrs after and i haven't been able to get even some minutes of sleep. frustrated, i got up and took a shower...tried to make myself sleepy by reading but look where i am now....in front of my freakin' laptop! arrrrghhh...

my body is so tired, my eyes are half-closed but I CAN'T SLEEP!

damn, if someone out there is thinking bout me (hehehe, beliefs beliefs)...please, STOP! i am in a bad need of some zzzZZZZ!

sniff.

(sorry for my pathetic "excuse")
LOL

Decode...

2008-12-02T02:43:00.004+08:00

How can i decide whats right?
When your clouding up my mind,
I cant win your losing fight,
All the time.

How can i ever own whats mine?
When your always taking sides,
But you wont take away my pride,
No not this time...
Not this time.

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well,
How did we get here?
I think i know how.

The truth is hiding in your eyes,
Its boiling in my blood,
But you think that i cant see.
What kind of man that you are?
If your man at all,
I will figure this one out.
On my own... (Screaming i love you so)
On my own... (My thoughts you cant decode)

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well,
How did we get here?
I think i know how.

Do you see,
What weve done,
Were gonna make such fools,
Of ourselves...
Do you see,
What weve done,
Were gonna make such fools,
Of ourselves...
YEAH

How did we get here
I used to know you so well
How did we get here?
I think i know how...
I think i know.

There is something,
I see in you,
It might kill me,
I want it to be true.
-------------------------------------------------------
yeah....i know i am addicted to Twilight.
who's not, anyway? :)

hayyy...i am really inlove with the story. i know i shouldn't be reading stories or watching movies like these...being a love fool that i already am, i just go more loco over love. LOL

oh well. if i don't get to experience this "one true love," at least other people (or vampires) do.
:)

...and i am so back into reading...

2008-12-01T04:39:00.004+08:00

"i love you more than anything in the world combined...isn't that enough?"

awww...i know, this doesn't help me at all. i must admit, i am such a loco when it comes to love. geesh, and i thought my view about it would change as i grow older. but, nah.

so what am i babbling about this time?

yeah...i am one "Twilight" addict too!

i know i am quite late about this one. most of my friends have read the book already, and im talking bout ALL 4 of the books. and yeah, i just started reading a week ago.

i love to read...yep, i really do. but somehow, i lost interest in it years ago. i still remember way back in HS and my early years in college, i got addicted to novels by McNaught and Sheldon. Most books i've read would be about historical romance. yep, romance...love.

LOL (i know!)

so i don't think those who know me would be surprised at all if i'd say i finally got into the "Twilight Saga." i just love stories about LOVE...be it forbidden, unrequited...as long as it's all about LOVE, i'd surely like it.

so when my sister told me bout this book and the upcoming movie, i just knew i got to get a copy for myself. i've read the first 2 chapters of the book right after i got it, but because of too much workload in the office, i stopped. i told myself that i won't be watching the movie unless i'm done with the book. so i took advantage of the (long) weekend, and was able to finish the book in 2 nights. and damn, i must say that i am now inlove with the story of Bella and Edward.

the story didn't fail to give me the kilig factor i always look for in love stories. but i'd be honest to say that i was kinda disappointed with the climax part. and that would be the part where James got Bella...for me, the action ended too soon. or was it cut short? i am not sure, but i can say that it's lacking something. i was kinda expecting more. Well, the part where James fooled Bella into coming for her mother, i was like expecting more action. i dunno if i was already half asleep or what, but the next thing i knew, Bella's being saved by Edward. (and i wish he didn't so she'd be like him..but yeah, that would really cut the story short, no?) so it's like your emotions would be up there and it'll drop just like that.

but yeah, i still love the book. really, really love the story to bits. i love how the author presented the characters. i got so intrigued by them that i started to browse the net as to who'd be playing who. and yeah, i even went to YT and searched for the trailer. LOL.

geesh, i wish i am not too old for this. i am so kilig and yeah, probably like most of the girls out there, i am also wishing to have a vampire boyfriend like Edward.

ROFL.

dead tired...

2008-11-22T21:40:00.000+08:00

sometimes don't you wish that you can just turn your back on everything? or probably just ignore the things that happen around you or the things you hear? or maybe those that you feel? coz sooner or later, you'd get over them...BUT! after sometime, there they go again. and you realize you're in a cycle. and soon, you'd get tired. but, you just continue to go thru it all over again.

"tanga mo kasi," "tigas ng ulo mo," "wala kang kadala-dala."

...just a few of those hurtful words that are well, meant to knock some sense into your head. nakakainis diba, kasi paulit ulit mong naririnig. but the truth is, ikaw ang paulit-ulit. if there's one mistake you soooo love to commit e yun na nga yung pagiging engotz mo.

cycle. paulit-ulit. sometimes you're up there feeling so high and happy and the next thing you knew, you've (again) fallen flat on your face. maybe you just got so used to it that you no longer mind going thru it over and over again. aren't u getting tired?

you say you are. but for sure, in no time...you'd be in that same cycle again.

i wish you'd get numb na lang. or maybe become really selfish so you'd only think of yourself. sana you'd learn to love yourself din...or maybe just give a little to those who also give a little. kaso, mashado kang mapagbigay. remember..."you cannot give something what you don't have." so if u don't love yourself, how on earth will you be able to give love to others?

hhmmm...so ano yung tawag sa binibigay mo?

(just askin)

anyways, i hope you'd get tired...as in tired...or maybe fed up? kaso you always say nga na you had enough...pero ayan ka pa din.

tara dito, iuuntog kita ng malakas.

-----------------------------------------

nevermind me peeps, just another talk-to-yourself session.

tata!

PRESSURE...

2008-11-20T23:06:00.002+08:00

like most, if not all, of you out there...i hate PRESSURE! may be it about work, lovelife (or the lack of it), friends or whatever, i soo hate being pressured.

for weeks now, i basically spend most of my wake time in the office. man, i work at an average of 12-13hrs a day! i go home just to sleep, take a bath and well, change my clothes. then i'm off to work again. geesh, so pathetic! i thought i'd have a life once i start working on a dayshift. i am so wrong! i can say that things are all better when i was on a night shift. at least i can still watch tv when i get home in the morning, or even hit the mall right after it opens.

i bought the book Twilight 2 weeks ago, and i haven't taken off the plastic cover until now. i have some makeup video tutorials to upload but haven't done so. damn, i am so dead. yeah, i feel like i'm dead.

and now, i am also being pressured into getting married. yeah, i know i am nearing my 30s and i am still single. most of my friends have kids already or are getting married in the next few months. and me? i dunno. maybe my daydreaming bout getting married are all behind me now. of course i have plans, but not now. when? maybe in the next 2-3yrs? i really dunno.

i know mom would kill me when she reads this. but what can i do? i just realized i have so much things to do pa. i want to have a REAL career (be in IT or in makeup), buy a car and a house, and a hefty amount of savings in the bank. i know i should have started on it a loooong time ago. but what can i do? i've been (and i think i still am) lost and i really dunno where i am heading to. i've been spending like crazy on stuffs that i know i won't even use. gosh, you know how stupid i am when im stressed...

i had a little argument with X about this days ago. i know he wants to get married na...but i need more time. well, he wanted some time too before and i had no choice but to give it to him. so i think it's just right to give that to me too. i am not doing this just because i want to get even, i want this because i have so much to do. i want to be successful muna...not that i am seeing marriage as a hindrance. but i hope you understand what i'm trying to say here. when i get married, i want to make sure that i can afford not to work for the time being that i am pregnant. and i want to take care of my babies and my husband too. and with the kind of work i am in now, that is way too impossible. i am sure, X would kill me if i go home around past midnight every weekday. i want to take care of them, and that would mean being a stay-home mom/wife. and right now, i cant afford to be like that. i would need to work...i have bills to pay for and have a mom and sister to help.

people would say i am running out of time. what the hell do they mean by that? am i going to die soon? LOL

it's so easy to get married. but damn so hard to maintain a family. i've seen a lot of marriage that crumbled...because 1) financial matters, 2) lack of common goal between the wife and husband and 3) lack of readiness to maintain and provide for a family. and i don't want to be one of them. i come from a broken family, and that's the least thing i would want for my children-to-be.

i know i can lose X because of this. i know he's getting impatient. and i am pressured.

what am i to do now?

sigh.

huh!?

2008-11-17T19:28:00.002+08:00

and i thought it's gonna be another WW3. goodness, am i being such a pathetic warfreak for thinking that way? (sigh). fortunately, things didn't turn out the way i was kinda expecting them to be. nobody apologized, but at least, it's over (hopefully, it really is).

i am not the type of person who holds grudges against other people. and yeah, most of the time you don't even need to say sorry. a nod or even a smile can make me realize that things are much okay now...or the "war" is over. and yeah, i still believe in "make love, not war."

who would want chaos anyway? who wouldn't want things to go as smoothly as possible? the least thing that i want right now is conflict. most especially in the place where i spend most of my wake time.

oh well...i really hope it's over now.

tata!

just another "senti" day...

2008-11-16T02:56:00.003+08:00

and so i originally planned of going out to have a facial and probably do some shopping for xmas gifts, yet i ended up just staying at home...eating, sleeping and watching tv. so much for spending a great weekend, no?

i can't remember the last time i just stayed inside the house (here in manila) and practically do nothing. i've been going home to the province for the last month and so it was again my first time to be alone on a weekend.

after eating my late lunch, dozed off again to sleep and some 3 hrs later, i was again tinkering with my stuffs. i was able to throw away some that i haven't been using and some i put in a bag thinking that i might be able to sell them. i took a bath and heated my dinner. after eating, i decided to do a video tutorial for my blog. then i was off again watching tv.

i was about to start reading "Twilight" when i got so involved with the tv show. well, it's about the love between two different people. they are different in a lot of ways...the guy strayed for a lot of times, ran away from his girl who did nothing but love him truly. he even stood him up on their wedding day because of another girl...and when he came back to her, she told him "i realized that my love for you isn't enough for the two of us. we need to find and love ourselves first, for that would be the only time we can truly give ourselves to each other." they guy told her that he'll find himself and would try hard to change. and the girl assured him that she'll wait.

and so they still ended up getting married. during the ceremony, just before the guy would give the ring, he took off his shoes and told the girl "i am offering you my shoes...to prove to you that i will never ran away from you ever again..." and that brought tears to my eyes. how mushy, i know...but i so feel what he said. imagine, they have been thru a lot...a whole damn lot and yet they still ended up being together. there were even some pictures of them and their family. now, they have been married for 28yrs and still getting stronger.

i laid down and asked myself, "will i ever have something like that?" eversince, all i ever wanted is a great family of my own...something i never had. me, nearing my 30s has still unclear vision of what my life would be in the future. i am not even sure anymore if i'd be getting married...and if ever, i am not sure when that would be. i have lots of plans for my family...but so little for myself.

dang, i am in senti-mode again. i am lost (as usual)...and confused.

geesh, why is it so damn hard to be happy.

Forever and a day....

2008-11-14T21:28:00.003+08:00

When the night has come
and the day is done
I'm always thinking of you
you are in the air
You are everywhere
in everything I do

If I could keep this moment time
if I could make you forever mine
Baby I'm lost in your love
from heaven above
You came to bring me up

Chorus:
With you I feel that I could stay
in love forever and a day
When I walk alone
through an empty home
I just can't stop thinking of you

do you feel the pain
Could it be the same
are you missing me too
I see your face
when I close my eyes
I see a glimpse of my own paradise
you came from heaven above
I'm lost in your love

Free as the wind
you give me wings to fly

Chorus:
With you I feel that I could stay
in love forever and a day

Oh boy I feel I could stay
in love forever and a day

If i were a boy...

2008-11-08T22:02:00.000+08:00

If I Were A Boy lyrics

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy

I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its broken
So they think
that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waiting for me to come home (to come home)

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (and you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy…
---------------------------------------------------------------

i downloaded this song some night ago, and from then on, i can't seem to get enough of it. naka-repeat mode nga ang music player ko sa phone. LOL. i just like the song...anybody here who likes the song like i do? raise up your hands and feet!

from listening to the song, mejo natanong ko sarili ko what would i do if i were a boy. hmm, never did i imagine or wish that i be a boy. not that i like being a girl...its just that maybe, i have a lot of questions why men are like this and that. sometimes, i wish they become a girl so they would know how we feel.

but if i'd be a boy, here are some things that i would do (to my gf or asawa...):

1. i'll be more sensitive to the feelings of others. lalo na ng gf or nililigawan ko.

2. i'll try to know everything she likes...those things that will make her smile. kahit gaano pa kababaw, basta alam kong mapapasaya ko sya, gagawin ko. lalo na kung mahal na mahal ko siya.

3. she may not be my top priority (there's my family, God, etc..) but i'll make sure she'd come first than my friends. geesh, kung hindi ko naman sya kayang isingit sa lakad namin ng barkada ko, nde na muna ako mag-gf or mag-asawa.

4. i'll make sure to remember every important date in our calendar...lalo na anniversaries. i know how mushy girls are in such occasions. swerte mo lalo kung simpleng greeting lang nanggagaling sa puso mo ok na ang mahal mo. buti nga hindi humihingi ng kung ano anong nde mo kayang ibigay. matakot ka na pag nagdemand yan ng LV or burberry bag sa twing anniversary or monthsarry nyo.

5. i'll surprise her in any way i can. just to make her feel how important she is to me. i'll give her time and attention she deserves.

6. i won't take her for granted...ever! i know how it feels. so tamaan na ako ng kidlat pag pinaramdam ko pa to sa babae kung maging lalaki man ako.

7. hindi ko idadaan sa inom ang away namin. i'll talk to her and settle kung ano man ang gulo namin. from my experience, the more na kinakalimutan ang problem ng walang usap, lalong tumatagal ang issue. sooner or later, it'll pop up again. e ano kung paulit-ulit sha pag kausap ko? ang mahalaga, masettle ang problema. kahit gaano pa ako kaantok or kainis. kung kinakailangang himayin ang issue, gagawin ko. wag lang sha hayaang matulog ng masama ang loob.

8. pag napasama ko loob nya, i'll say sorry and make it up to her. at hindi lang dun matatapos yun. i'll try so hard not to make her feel disappointed again.

9. i'll make her feel that i always want to be with her. lalo na pag alam kong gusto din nya akong makasama. kahit magmukha pa kaming magkadikit na santol. ang mahalaga masaya siya at masaya ako...masaya kaming magkasama.

10. hindi ko siya iiwan at babalikan na lang kung kelan ko gusto. hindi naman siya basahan di ba? hinding hindi ko sha sasabihan ng "saka na lang...." or "sa ibang araw na lang...." i'll make sure she'd preserve her self-worth

11. at higit sa lahat, i'll always tell her how much i love her. kahit para na akong sirang plaka...coz i know, gusto nya yung marinig. at madali lang un gawin. all it takes is a few seconds to say it, and make her feel loved...wanted and cherished.

ikaw? what would you do if you were a boy?

Ayon kay Bob Ong...

2008-10-25T01:22:00.002+08:00

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya.."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka."

13. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. "Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala"  

17. "Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan"  

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"  

19. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakatakot mahulog...at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.."

--------------------------------------
hindi...hindi ako tinamaan!
hinding-hingi!

bwahahahaha

hate myself...

2008-10-10T17:39:00.002+08:00

it has been raining like crazy the whole day today...and i myself is going crazy over the deadline i have to meet at work. but here i am, surfing, blogging and doing all sorts of things not related to what i should've been doing.

geesshh, i am so not focused...so immature. so childish...and i still have no direction in my so-called life. can somebody poke me in the head?

i know, a lot of people out there would love to be in my shoes. i mean, i lost my job a month ago but before i technically lost it, i already found myself a new one. it has been like this for years now. each time i would think of moving to another company, i can easily get a new job. i don't need to wait for some time and be jobless for a while. but here i am, bumming when i should really be working my ass off to meet my deadline.

i've been like this for years now. could it be because i don't really like my work? and that i love to do something else? but i know myself...if i wanted to focus on something though i don't really feel like doing it, i can. once i put my mind into it, i can. (sigh) i soo hate myself. i am one pathetic bitch, i know.

or maybe i am too preoccupied with a lot of things lately? could it be because for almost a month now i am confused as to where i am really going...as to what i really want in life and who are the people i want to be with? i feel so lost...so weak. i always do.

i hate myself.

okay...back to work.

what am i doing here???

2008-08-17T04:51:00.000+08:00

it's almost 5am, i have no work tonight and yet i'm still up. I am sleepy but i can't go to sleep. I am bored, restless and lonely

it's a long weekend. no work on Monday, and i didn't even come to work last Friday. I should've gone home instead...i miss my mom, my sis, my tita, and peng. I miss everybody. I miss him too. i feel so alone...i've been worrying bout a lot of things. truly, the saying, "when it rains, it pours" is absolutely correct. I wanna go home and hug my mom...but i can't let her see me like this. I wanna hug her so tight and be like a child again...cry until i fall off to sleep. I miss her a lot. Lately, she'd been like my bestfriend. But i really dont want her to see me like this. Mom's so strong, i wouldnt want her to be disappointed with me if she sees me like this...so weak, vulnerable and always on the verge of crying.

sometimes i look back and ask myself, what have i been doing with my life? Have i ever made people proud of me? I'm still the same old jheng like i've always been. childish, playful, makes a lot of wrong decisions, worries bout a lot of things...i'm such a schizo. or maybe i just pretend that i'm okay when i'm actually not. I want people to see that i am strong, but in reality...i am not. I am weak like a child. I still cry like a child when i'm alone. Sometimes even my mom's voice would make me cry. ugh, i wanna go home.

have i been a good person after all? have i been good to myself? have i really been a good person to those who matters a lot to me? i wish i've been...coz if not, i'd truly consider myself useless. Imagine, i'm 29 and i'm still like this. I feel like my life's going nowhere. I feel like i've been focusing more on things that dont really matter and won't help me at all. And so i'd feel tired...tired to do the things i really should be doing in the first place. Geesh, i really feel like a 5yr-old kid...a kid who needs guidance and somebody to tell me what to do and what not.

(sniff)

sorry for this post. it's just that i can hardly breathe. i am so feeling lonely...been like this for days now. and i just want to let it out. so please bear with me.

i miss them...

i wish....

2008-08-14T06:24:00.002+08:00

...that one day, people would find me gone and no matter how hard they try, they won't be able to find me
...that when that day comes, they would know how much it hurts to long for somebody and wish that they could've done better
...that one day, i'd feel no more pain...no more happiness...and that i'd just be numb as a corpse
...that people would know that behind my giggles and big smiles, is someone with a heavy, broken (if not torn) heart.
...that i'd learn how not to forgive and forget.
...that i'd think of myself more
...that someday, i'll have the guts to go after what i really want and don't care bout those who i'd get hurt in the process
...that their first impression of me will somehow get true
...that i'd be selfish, inconsiderate, self-centered like most people think i am
...that one day, i'd get back to those people who have hurt me in any way and make them suffer big time for what they did to me

and most of all, i wish that one day, all of these sufferings would be gone and i'll lay myself to rest...to be forgotten by those people i've loved and cherished.

from: the invisible girl

Tagged!

2008-08-13T06:45:00.002+08:00

people who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.Tag 8 people to do this quiz. those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who tagged them & cannot tag the person who tagged them. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. How has Blogger changed your life?
- made me meet new friends
- accompanied me during my "alone" times
- enabled me to express myself freely

2. What do you do before bedtime?
- i pray and wish that tomorrow will be better than today

3. What are you going to have for dinner tonight?
- i dunno...i want some chicken and pasta, but i really need to lose weight. so maybe i'll just drown myself with a gallon of water. LOL

4. What is the ONE place you want to go to before you die if you had the money and the time?
- PARIS and maybe visit Japan for the 3rd time and promise myself not to get sick this time.

5 Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
- what do you think? hehehehe..

6. What do you do in your free time?
- blog, read, eat, sleep, practice makeup, watch tv

7. Do you trust easily?
- YES

8. What personal belonging do you have with you everywhere you go?
- my celfone, lip balm, oil blotting sheets

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
- i'm losing my job

10. What is your best quality?
- that no matter how bad a person treats me, i always forgive that person and trust him/her as if nothing happened. but i am beginning to realize, it isnt doing me any good at all.

11. Is being tagged fun?
- YES

12. Why so?
- you get to know more about the person who tagged you, and you get to let other people know more about you as well

13. Do you prefer rain or snow?
- rain.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
- a beautiful person, inside and out

15. Poor but loved, or rich but hated?
- poor but loved.

16. How many children do you want?
- i want twins : a boy and a girl

17. What's better: to give or to receive?
- Give.

18. What do you feel about sex without love?
- nonsense

19. Would you have 100% safe sex with a stranger for $10,000,000?
- hmmm....let me get back at you for my answer. LOL

20. What would you name yourself if you'd been born the opposite gender?
- Damien

disappear...

2008-08-08T03:31:00.002+08:00

... nakakastress ka.
... buwisit ka sa buhay ko.
... you make things harder for me.
... feeling mo kaw lang ang kawawa sa mundo, at ikaw lang ang marunong umintindi when in fact you don't get to understand a thing.

what would you do if these exacts words are said to you?

would you go some place where nobody would ever see you and cry endlessly?
would you want to stab yourself a thousand times til you hurt no more?
would you wish that you'd disappear forever?

...i would.
(sniff)

simple, yet complicated...

2008-08-08T03:00:00.002+08:00

it all started with one wish: that one day, she'd finally feel that she's loved, cherished and longed for.

that's all she ever wanted, even when she's still a kid. yet, fate gave her something different. she'd always feel taken for granted, abused and most of the time, invisible.

it was quite surprising that being a girl with such one wish, and with such unfortunate experience since childhood, you'd expect her to be selfish, self-centered and probably somebody who'd like the world on her feet. but nope...she grew up practically giving other people the same things she ever wanted, and making them feel what she ever wanted to feel.

she might not be a perfect friend, nor a perfect child, even a perfect girl (who would be if you grew up in such an imperfect world?) but she tries so hard not to make everybody else feel what she had felt eversince she got to understand what LOVE is all about. sometimes, no matter how hurt she might be, you'd still see her cracking up other people whom she feels need some dose of laughter to make them feel better bout themselves. she'd pretend she doesn't have anything to worry bout herself at all...and that she's obliged to be everybody else's clown or life of a party.

sometimes, i would see her crying her heart out once she's alone by herself. she'd moan, wail like she'd been stabbed in her heart a thousand times. she would cry til she can cry no more. then she'll stand up, ready to face the world again, as if she's fine herself.

i would often ask her if she ever gets tired...and she would say yes. but she couldn't stop...or maybe wouldn't stop. she'd say she would only stop once she gets to feel what she makes other feel herself. she wants to be loved, cherished, longed for, wanted...and since she's not being able to experience that (in a genuine way), she promised herself not to make other people feel the same way. for she knows, it's hard. so hard that there were a lot of times she thought of giving up the fight. but she can't...and she won't.

she's not perfect...there would be times she'd come short of what she has promised. sometimes, she'll be as lonely as hell and would ask people why she feels so alone. she'd throw tantrums...she'd cry in front of people, as if she's almost begging for them to make her feel that she is indeed being loved. unfortunately, she'd end up being thought of as a selfish bitch...somebody who asks too much. little do they know that she's not asking for other things....all she wants is love, time and dedication.

"is it too hard? don't i deserve it? am i such a no-good that people would need to exert much effort just to give me that? am i that un-special? am i that unworthy?"

i am scared for her. scared that one day, reality would hit her. that it's possible that she won't be able to feel that way from the people she expects it to come from...and she'll come to a point where she'd surrender. a point where she'd give up...and tell herself that it's all her fault and that no matter what she does, she'd always feel alone and unloved.

maybe, if she felt special right from the beginning...she won't need to go thru this. maybe, if she comes to realize her worth, she won't allow people to pull her down and she won't feel like it's her obligation to make other people good about themselves while she's wallowing in self-pity herself. maybe, if she's stronger enough...she'd chose to be alone than to be around people who hurt her. and maybe, she'd be happy after all.

she's just one simple girl...looks complicated and all, but she is just one simple girl.

feeling like crap.

2008-07-16T13:28:00.002+08:00

i hate you for making me vulnerable.
and i hate you for making me feel bad now that i am not talking to you.

i hate you.
and yet, my love for you is stronger.

crap.

One Step At A Time...

2008-07-16T02:40:00.002+08:00

"One Step At A Time"

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

[Chorus x2]

-------------------------------
my current fave song...exactly what i've been feeling.

are there times when you feel like you're going nowhere? you've been trying so hard to make a difference and yet, nobody seems to know about it? and even they knew, they seem not to appreciate it?

you feel like you can do so much, but the world's pulling you down...somehow telling you that you don't deserve to be up there...and that no matter what you do, people will still look down at you.

you want to be given a chance...one chance to show the world that there's so much you can do...you want to prove to the world that you deserve to be on the spotlight even for once. or at least you deserve to have your dreams realized.

sometimes we become impatient of waiting...we get tired...and in the end, we'd stop believing in ourselves. and instead of proving them wrong, it's like we've finally succumbed to what they've thought about us right from the start....that we are useless and worse, bound to lose.

when you are starting to feel that way, take time to sit back and assess yourself...is there anything that you could've been doing wrong? is there anything else you need to improve on? if you think there's none, don't stress yourself too much. just like what the song has been telling us, take things one step at a time. there's a reason why things happen...and if it's bound to happen, it will happen. if not, i am sure there are still a lot of things out there for you. just wait and see...

tata!

no air...

2008-07-12T12:43:00.002+08:00

...i was successful in crying myself to sleep last night, that i didn't even wash my face. my head's aching so bad and i feel like i can only keep my eyes half-open because they're too sore from crying. i looked at myself in the mirror and cried all the more...feeling sorry for myself, feeling alone and scared.

(sighs)

i woke up this morning and checked my phone...i was waiting for his text "mahal, what do you want for lunch?" then his text came saying that he's there already and he's just using his friend's fone to text. i cried again. it all went back to me now...he's gone. he's there and i'm here alone.

crap.

my head's aching again...i've been crying for more than 3hrs now...straight. i know i'm being stupid, but i can't help it.

we've been together for almost 15yrs...and been together almost everyday for almost 8yrs. and now, everything have changed...and it's killing me. it's like taking away the air from you. i feel like choking and gasping for air.

i miss him. terribly.

...

2008-07-09T03:23:00.002+08:00

i am not feeling well.

for days now, i feel like i have a flu.

my muscles feel sore, my eyes feel sore and i feel so effin' bloated when in fact, i haven't been eating well for days now.

i am feeling too lazy to move...to come to work...even smile.

all i want to do is to lie down, not sleep...but just lie down and do nothing.

i try to stay calm, composed and stop myself from crying each time i talk to you.

i try to act as if i'm okay, when in fact, i am not.

i want to hold you so tight and never let go

i want to be selfish and ask you not to go

now, just thinking of you leaving makes me wanna cry...

(sniff)

i came to work early tonight...

you left to have dinner with some friends.

i told you i can't join you because i am having a meeting, but the truth is, i just dont want to go and spend time with you. weird, huh!?

i dunno, maybe i want to get used to not being with you anymore.

(sigh)

past midnight, i stepped out of the office and went to starbucks.

i am not hungry, but my tummy tells me i need to eat...

then i remembered...i used to have midnight snacks like this with you. you'd visit me during my break and treat me to coffee and waffles. sometimes, you'd take me to yellow cab and make fun of me while i munch my pizza like there's no tomorrow.

now, i am eating alone...and will be eating alone for the days to come.

i miss those late night snacking...

those nasty comments you'd shoot at me when i overeat and then complain bout my weight afterwards...and i'd surely miss the flowers you bring me as a surprise for just-because occasions...and most of all, i will miss being with you.
no more pigging out on Baliwag chicken/liempo...
no more DVD marathons...
no more petty quarrels when all i want is for you to bring home some cake or icecream as a peace offering...
no more lazy weekends when we spend the entire day eating, sleeping and watching whatever's being shown on TV...
no more movie marathons (in cinema) on weekends when we'd find our eyes sore from watching 2-3 movies in one day...

nobody to go home to...
nobody to mess around when i just finished cleaning...
nobody to complain bout my makeup scattered around...
nobody to carry my big, heavy traincases when i go to wherever...
nobody to hold me and hug me tight and assure me that everything will be alright when i'm having a tough day, or at the brink of killing somebody who's causing me too much stress...
nobody to kiss me goodnight...
nobody to take care of me when i'd like to be treated as a baby...and nobody to baby when you are feeling sick because you were caught up in the rain (yes, you are that sickly...beh)

i'm gonna miss you, mahal...can you just not leave?
sniff....

10 days to go...

2008-07-01T09:47:00.002+08:00

...and i'll be dead.

yaiks.

not literally, though. but i'd definitely feel like i am going to be dead in 10 days. why? X will be leaving for abroad 10 days from now...and this is the first time that we'll be that far apart in 15 years (well, almost) that we've been together. sucks eh?

worse is we've been busy lately with a lot of things. me on my finals in school and now on my upcoming first-ever makeup gig on the weekend, and him, well on other things.

no.effin'.time.for.each.other.

darn.

honestly, i don't want him to go. why? well, for a lot of obvious reasons.
1. as i've said, this is the first time we'll be this far apart
2. it's not that i dont trust him, but okay....i don't trust him when he's with his guy friends just because of his over-pakikisama
3. he's sickly and can be such a baby when he's not feeling well. who's going to look after him when he's over there? the thought of somebody else doing it makes me wanna strangle somebody else's neck.
4. let's face it, the place he's going to is considered to be one of the sin cities of the world. too much freedom. too many temptations. freedome + temptation + friends = not a good idea (not at all!)

but what can i do? he wants to go, simply because he wants to save more. but heck, i really dunno. friends ask me if i dont trust him that much. maybe i dont. people who know our whole story would understand why i feel this way...while the rest think i'm just being a paranoid gf.

i want to get my mind off those thoughts...but how?

i can seriously enumerate a lot of ways...but let's not even go there. not a good idea, either.

so what's left for me to do?

N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

it really sucks....it really effin' sucks!

How deep is your LOVE?

2008-06-05T06:12:00.001+08:00

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And its me you need to show

How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
Youre the light in my deepest darkest hour
Youre my saviour when I fall

And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do

And its me you need to show
How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

————————————-
have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you start wondering how much the other person loves you…or maybe asking the question “does he love me more than i love him?” or “does he really love me at all?”
sometimes, we all come to a point when we would want to be re-assured of what they feel towards us. as petty as it seems, girls tend to be more insecure when it comes to what the other party is feeling. and this is simply because girls tend to give more…love more…and expect less, until well, they come to this certain point i’m talking about.

we often want to be told how much we are being loved…being missed and being wanted to be with. some girls may look strong, secured and confident when it comes to their feelings. but more often than not, these girls are exactly the ones who often need to be reminded that they are indeed special.

no matter how long you are in a relationship, we all need to feel wanted, loved and cherished at all times. yep, that’s how mushy we can be. we may doubt when you would tell us what we wanted to hear…but believe me (well, coming from a girl’s POV) we believe you. we just tend not to show it. but we are honestly grinning up to our ears. we can never get enough of love, most especially if it’s from that one person we love and we consider special.

some can even be so gullible that the words “i love you” will just melt their hearts and believe. and if that’s the case, these girls will be like slaves who are always on their toes for that guy’s every whim. and it’s sad seeing these girls with their hearts being broken sooner or later. it’s frustrating how some people would use LOVE to fool people. i wonder if they have a heart that can be broken too. or they just simply don’t take LOVE seriously. and i pity those girls who would do everything…anything to have LOVE.

to YOU…”how deep is your love?”

Labels or Love?

2008-06-03T07:50:00.002+08:00

okay, let me get you in on a secret...i was never a fan of this HBO show. well, i got to watch some episodes...i can't say i like it or i don't. maybe because i just dont have an idea what the entire show is all about. all i know is that there are 4 girls, single...who loves labels (prada, gucci, manolo blahnik...name it!) and men! (well not all of them though). these 4 girls have different point of views in life, but one thing that's common in all of them is their love for each other. their friendship can withstand anything...

so when i heard that there would be a movie about this. i got excited for a bit, for at least i could get an overview of the entire story. i even bought DVDs of their HBO episodes...but most of the episodes i've watched would left me with the question: is love really non-existent nowadays? well, i am such a hopeless romantic biatch and hmmm, i still believe in love. i might have fallen flat on my face for quite a lot of times already but loving is something i wouldn't be afraid of. i will take the risks, no matter how scary it might be...because well, like many (?) of other people out there, i also want to have that somebody to have and to hold (geesh, mushy)

after our makeup class and lunch, me and the girls decided to watch this movie. i was actually scared at first that i might not be able to familiarize myself with the characters aside from the 4 girls. i didn't know that Charlotte got married already, Samantha has a steady man in her life and that Miranda has been married with a kid too...and lastly, i didn't know that finally, Carry and Mr. Big has been together for some time now. i was tempted to ask the girls beside me as to who that person is and what's his role, but i remained seated and enjoyed my popcorn instead. :)

this is one chick flick...but i tell you, this is one movie where almost everybody can relate. there might have been some instances in our lives where we played as one of those 4 girls in the movie. the movie isn't shallow, in fact, i got teary-eyed already during its first 30 minutes.

i can hear the ohhs and ahhhs of some people in the theater each time the girls would strut their designers clothes, bags and shoes. OMG! that $525 pair of shoes, i can't still take it off my mind. not because i want it but because i can never imagine myself getting myself not even i have lots of money to spend (if it's makeup, then why not!?) but well, the girls really look good in everything. i just love how sophisticated they look and act, even though they are talking about SEX.

I was totally heartbroken with Carrie's story (okay, no spoilers here). i can say that i was able to relate...but everybody had a happy ending. my jaw really hurt from trying to keep myself from crying...but at the end, it's really a feel-good movie.

there's one thing i've learned in this movie...friends will always be friends. they will never leave you no matter what. even if it means going to an unfamiliar place, trying not to eat foods and drink water that you may think unsafe and even poo-ing in your pants just to make your girl friend feel that you're with her no matter what.

and that's one thing i was guilty of...when i am inlove or in a relationship, i tend to forget my friends. i tend to just focus on my relationship with my guy and keep my distance from them. not because i no longer want to be with them...but just because i want to make my guy feel that he's the one who matters the most to me. i had learned my lesson though. there were quite a few times in my life when my relationship with a guy went on a turmoil and yet, my friends will always be there to be with me. there were times when i even had to give a lot of excuses so i can miss going out with them and just be with my guy. but there was never a time, when i was down and i called them up, and they didn't go to me to comfort me and make me feel that i am not alone.

so yes...this movie is for all those women out there who are looking for love, and for those who are not. the movie isn't about SEX and men...this movie is about friendship among 4 girls with different point of views in life and yet, were able to withstand every obstacles in their life together.

if you haven't watched this yet...you are missing a lot! so go get your girl friends and watch!

labels or love? hmmm...i already have the latter. so i'd go for the labels....tee-hee!

...

2008-04-24T07:26:00.003+08:00

it's almost 9 and here i am, still sitting in front of my office computer. yep, i am still in the office. i should've gotten out at 7 but well, i am always late so i'm trying to make up for my tardiness. but i've been doing nothing except browse and watch makeup tutorials online...i am such a hardworker, i know!

anyways...i am again eating too much (as usual!) and ranting too damn much. i feel like i'm the ugliest and the fattest...i hate seeing myself in the mirror. i dunno why these sudden feeling of depression, maybe because my birthday is just around the corner? acck!

i've been always like this...getting depressed and frustrated, ranting all the more when my birth month is fast approaching. well maybe because i am getting a year older and still i'm a nobody as compared to my batchmates and friends...i know it's not good to compare myself to anyone but i just can't help it at times...most especially at times like this.

yesterday, i was on the verge of throwing away my makeup because i got irritated since they are piling up and taking too much space already. my stashes are beside my bed and sometimes when i move too much, they go crashing on the floor so i would end up organizing them again. so yesterday, i was cleaning them when i accidentally pushed the plastic cabinet and caused one of my stackables (with some pigments pots) to fall. apparently, i forgot to close or probably i didn't close them as tight so some of the pots so pigments were scattered everywhere. i was cleaning up when i again bump another stackable and the same thing happened...pots and pigments scattered on the floor. i was really frustrated that i threw the pots and the stackables away from me and i sat on the bed and started throwing tantrums. i really looked silly (and maybe funny).

but after a few minutes, i got up and picked up those i've thrown away and again started organizing them...damn, i hate myself for being such a childish biatch. if mom was around, i would've gotten hit right on my head.

another reason why i was like that (and still am) yesterday was because of the sudden retrenchment of some people in our department. bosses said we are downsizing since we've lost a lot of accounts in the previous months and i think we are still, if not, on the verge of losing more. it was like, whoa! it really caught us up in surprise. imagine people came in, then the next thing they knew they need to be outof the office immediately. sure, they would be getting paid for that sudden retrenchment but heck, it's hard to look for a job these days. now i am practically waiting for my turn...huhuhu. and since i am waiting for my working visa abroad, i just cant go and look for another one. i need to stay here...well until they kick me out too!

i really feel for those who were laid off. most especially those who are the breadwinner of their families. i actually feel more for the guy who really gave his best in this company and then, just like that, he lost his job. it makes me feel that nobody is really indispensable and that no matter how much you strive harder to give more than what was expected of you, they will just throw you out if they want to. no appreciation of any sort, no nothing. damn!

(sighs)

now, more than ever, i lost the drive to come in to work. i am finding it harder to pull myself out of the bed and prepare for work. i've been trying hard to convince myself that i need to work because i have bills to pay and responsibilities.

geesh...

rant rant rant...

2008-03-26T05:23:00.000+08:00

(sob)

i still feel and look like a mess. my undereyes are still swelling, i'm so darn sleepy and bloated (ack!) and i don't feel like working! i just wanna go home and sleep. i sooo want to rub my undereyes like crazy but i can't. grrrr...

i keep on thinking what i've used to cause this allergies. but i simply can't figure it out, i've been on the same skin regimen for months now....so what could have triggered this? waaahh, if there's a doctor or derma reading out there who's reading this, can you please help me? i already asked my derma friend and she told me to just stop using anything on my face (smirks) easier said than done.

oh well...i still have 3hours to go so probably i'll just hang around and rant. i don't really feel like working despite the fact that i need to finish something today. my brain just wont work and i keep on fighting the urge to scratch my undereyes like there's no tomorrow. i still see little bumps near my eyes...they are so damn itchy! and my undereyes are so dry...i look old! waaaahhhh

if this damn itchiness wont go away for another day, i'll go and visit a derma. i need a second opinion on this. darn, i am hoping i won't be suggested to stop wearing makeup. please no...argh, no!!!

(pouts)

another schizo attack...

2008-03-25T10:21:00.002+08:00

i went home early today after work...instead of getting out at 730am, i logged out of the office an hour early to go home. i decided to drop by our friendly convenience store to buy stuffs and breakfast.

as soon as i get home i switched on the TV and tuned in to HBO...heck, Music and Lyrics is being shown again. i remember seeing this on TV yesterday while i'm preparing to go back to Manila for work. so i sat in front of the tv, and watched the movie while eating breakfast.
i finished breakfast before the movie ended so i laid back and continued watching (yep, i lie down right after a meal..hehhe). so i was in the part where the movie's about to end...specifically at the part where Alex (Hugh Grant) is singing a song he composed overnight for Sophie (Drew Barrymore). I love the song so much...and just the thought of a guy writing a song to his beloved brings tears to my eyes...and whoa, i indeed found myself teary-eyed...geesh, i am such a cry baby. maybe i just felt like being in Sophie's shoes and the song really touched my heart.

DON'T WRITE ME OFF
It's never been easy for me
To find words to go along, with a melody
But this time there’s actually something, on my mind
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines

Since I’ve met you, my whole life has changed
It’s not just my furniture, you’ve rearranged
I was living in the past, but somehow you’ve brought me back
And I haven’t felt like this since before Frankie said relax

And while I know, based on my track record
I might not seem like the safest bet
All I’m asking you,
is don’t write me off, just yet

For years I’ve been telling myself, the same old story
That I’m happy to live off my so called, former glories
But you’ve given me a reason, to take another chance
Now I need you, despite the fact, that you’ve killed all my plants
And though I know, I’ve already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet
Don’t write me off just yet

i was laughing at myself after the song...i sat up and continued watching while finishing my cup of coffee. then the part where the song "Way back into Love" is being sung by Cora (sexy singer) and Alex. Again, i found myself teary-eyed...i tried so hard to stop myself from crying...i even felt my jaws getting numbed from trying to resist the urge, but well, what can i say...my tears just started falling. i felt like singing the song myself...felt like, i wrote each single word in the song. i dunno what's happening to me but i can definitely relate with the song.

WAY BACK INTO LOVE

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

(sighs)

i must admit that somehow, i lost trust in LOVE. or should i say, i lost trust in myself when it comes to LOVE. I came to a point where i started asking myself if i really know how to LOVE because, each time i'd try to love, things get messed up...my life gets messed up. and in the end, i'll be left with nothing but a wounded heart...more scarred than ever...more hurt than ever.

i even told myself to remember to stop once i feel i am beginning to love a person because i started to believe that love only complicates things. once you love, you expect...then you get hurt. i know one shouldnt expect, but we're just humans...we dont expect much (well, in my case) but at least expect that we'd be loved back...or maybe appreciated and not being taken for granted. sometimes we tend to think that it is love that we're feeling...only to find out that it's not...maybe we get tired of waiting for love to come to us that we oftentimes end up just trying to convince ourselves that we are indeed in love. but we are not.

we are all waiting for true love to happen...or at least find us. like everybody else out there, we know we are capable of loving someone, but we aren't given any fair chance to be loved back. i came to a point where i denied its existence...i locked my heart and threw the key away, but who am i try to fool here? At the back of my mind, i am still hoping for that someone to get the key and open up my heart again...and this time, try so hard not to break it but to hold it in his hands carefully...cherishing every moment with it and loving it with all his might.

(sighs)

what's happening to me? i'm being too melodramatic these past few days that even a tv commercial can bring me to tears...LOL. pathetic, i know...maybe it's because my birth month is getting near again...and you know what happens to people who gets a year older, sometimes they get too sensitive and dumb. hehheh

oh well...it's just me. the silly, getting-old me getting schizo attacks every now and then.

(sighs)

(time to change to my other self)

so now, let's talk about makeup...let's go to my other blog then...hahhaha

damn stupid...

2008-03-18T03:58:00.002+08:00

"you brainless, stupid little biatch haven't changed at all! and you think you're that strong, independent and sensible woman, huh!? you haven't changed a bit...in fact, you're worse than before....and getting really more stupid!"

dang...i've been trying to talk myself outta this mess i got in lately. been trying soooo damn hard to come to my senses and realize that it's not really worth it. geeshh...how can i let myself get into such mess when i already am in one? can somebody just hit me real hard? please..on the head? now!?

(sob)

all these time i thought i'll never let myself be fooled again. well, i know i am stupid already...but to get myself into such complicated situation while i am already in one troubled, complicated, messed up situation is really one wrong move i made just recently. now, i just want to strangle myself and die. or maybe walk blindly in a busy street...

acccckk! i'm such a loser...

a masochist or just plain stupid?

2008-02-01T08:12:00.000+08:00

here i am again, ranting about the same things over and over again. sometimes i do wonder whether i am fond of getting hurt, emotionally or physically (masochist) or i am just plain stupid?

most of the time, if not all the time, people tend to abuse me. not in a sexual way, of course, but you know how people would somehow take advantage of other people just to get what they want and then once they got it, it’s buh-bye for you. well, until the time they would need you again.
it’s just hard to accept the fact that there are people who would take advantage of other people’s hmm..kindness? (or stupidity) i know that there should be a certain limit as to how much you would be willing to give, but the hardest thing for me is i can’t seem to make myself do that. i’ll get angry once i realize they are using me, but i just can’t seem to get enough of these for i still continue to trust and give them what they need from me or at least help them in any way i can.

sometimes, i wish my heart can be as hard as stone…or just be numb. that no matter how they try, i wouldn’t give a damn because i am so damn tired of people using and abusing me in every way they can. i do have feelings too…i might be smiling most of the time, laughing, cracking jokes but i get hurt too…but unlike other people, i don’t hold grudges against those who have hurt me. yeah, i get easily angry at times but after some time, i would even be the one to approach and talk first. so i guess, that is why they don’t take me that seriously.

(sighs)

lemme outta here....

2008-01-24T05:57:00.000+08:00

woooo-saaaahh!

sometimes i do wish i can just walk away from all these things which cause me too much stress and frustration that i just wanna strangle someone else’s neck! grrr…

don’t you just hate it when you try so hard to make things work or do your best on something that you do but you still end up not being appreciated and worse, people oftentimes get this f**ked up idea that you are trying to be a “star” when in fact you are actually doing everybody else a favor by being that sole person to collate information from a lot of people just to make things easier for them. the least thing that they could do is, well…give a confirmation that what you’ve said or written are correct instead of letting you in on a surprise that tadaaahhh…”we never made use of what you’ve sent to us, silly!”

so tell me, just what the hell am i here for? if i am stupid like what you think, then lemme outta here! i can’t keep up with people trying to outsmart one another while pushing other people down.

grrrr….i so hate all of you. (not you guys who are reading my posts) good thing i am not in the same place where you are or else, i might have been convicted with murder already.

damn…i wanna kick your ass!

Nine words women use...

2008-01-23T02:38:00.000+08:00

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up..

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine .

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*** YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

Ladies, are these true? hahahaha

been a while...

2008-01-18T01:34:00.000+08:00

it's been a while since i last posted on this blogsite (for those viewing my Multiply site, you won't be noticing since i've been like a blog whore these past few weeks, and that's because i've been actively posting on my other blogsite "abubots" and both blogs are connected to Multiply) because i haven't been that emo lately since i've been busy with work and my abubots :)

anyways, i'm getting kinda emo right now. not really sad but hmm..kinda confused? or probably disappointed on some things that have been happening lately. actually, i think it's more of being confused and scared. it's because things are again starting to be well between me and you-know-who and i'm just scared that it will just again end up on nothing. yeah, i know that i shouldn't be that pessimistic but you guys (or most of you who really know me) know what i've or what we've been through. it's just that i'm beginning to really discover that just when you are feeling that you're on top of the world, being happy and all, the next thing you'll know is everything else starts to break into pieces and you'll end up disappointed, frustrated and hurt. kaya nga minsan, i get scared when i get too happy for sometimes, i would get to think of what's going to happen next. baka masaya ako ngayon later sobrang depressed na naman ako. so now, i'm kinda like on that situation.

but i am trying to enjoy the moment...i know that the only thing that's permanent in this world is change and that we'll never really know what would happen next so the best thing that we could do is to make the most out of every chance we get to be happy. stop worrying about tomorrow and just enjoy what today has to offer.

'easier said than done, i know. but i'm trying hard to do it...besides, i should still be thankful for everything that happens to me right? everything happens for a reason...it only depends on how we are going to take it. besides, He will never give us trials that we cannot survive.

so smile jhengky...life's still beautiful!

my new year's resolutions...

2008-01-08T03:25:00.001+08:00

hmmm…i’ve been trying to come up with a list every year like the others but i can honestly say that i haven’t been able to do most of them, well, if not all.

pathetic, if i may say. and yeah, i am really pathetic when it comes to keeping promises i made to myself. like when i would say “i will no longer be as trusting as before” but i will still end up feeling like a trash when somebody had broken my trust. i can’t seem to learn my lesson when it would involve other people.

so this year, i will try to come up with a list that will only involve myself and just a tiny bit of involvement of other people if really needed. lemme try:

1) SAVE. SAVE. SAVE. hmmm, i might have to delete this one because i can never say NO to somebody who would ask money or material things from me (take note: somebody means friends and family ONLY! heheh) but this year, i really need to save because as of this writing, i have saved nothing! but probably if i would sell all my abubots and makeups, i could come up with a hefty amount to open up a savings account. ehehee

2) STOP BEING A PROCRASTINATOR yep, i am sooo guilty of this. i’d buy things like books that i would think i would like to read but most of the time, they will just end up somewhere collecting dust. the good thing is, my sister is fond of reading…so most of the books i buy, she gets to read it first.

3) THINK POSITIVE uh-ohh…this one’s hard. i’ve been such a pessimist all my life just so i won’t get disappointed when things don’t happen the way i expected them. but i will try…i even bought my mom the famous book entitled “the secret” and i think i need to read it too (goodluck!)

4) DO WHAT YOU ENJOY THE MOST and that would be…shopping!? hahaha..kiddin’ well, maybe a year or two ago i realized what i would be enjoying the most…and nope, it isn’t shopping but makeup! kinda related i know. but this time, i need to make use of all those i’ve bought and probably make money out of it too. If only i have the time and money, i could’ve enrolled in a makeup school and study makeup artistry. But for now, practicing on myself would be a good alternative. then probably in the near future i can enroll or who knows? Like they say, practice makes perfect (yeah, i wish!)

5) DONT TAKE EVERYTHING SERIOUSLY most especially when it comes to work. do what you have to do then ignore them wehehe…last year, i can say was the most stressful year for me when it concerns work. I am not complaining with the work load but the fact that you had to put up with your workmates’ “attitude” most esp. “ehem” anyways, this year…i would try to limit myself. if i used to say yes to all tasks being assigned to me even though it is no longer within my job description, i will try to say No. When it comes to other concerns, i would try not to think and wallow too much in it. I’ll try to shrug it off and move on with life.

6) GYM! yeah…damn, i’ve been a member for almost a year now and i am sure that i’ve been wasting so much money because i was not attending often! geesshh….i’ll stop my membership after i finished the 1-yr contract. such a waste of money… and i know, it’s my fault as well. this could be the only way to de-stress myself and stay fit but what the hell have i been doing???

7) BE ORGANIZED with my stuffs and most of all, my life! set priorities and goals…for god’s sake jhengky, grow up!

8) HAVE FUN stop being such a couch potato on weekends. try to get a life dammit…go out with friends and have fun. (but not every weekend ha)

9) GAIN MORE FRIENDS be active and do meet-ups with the people you meet online (not date!) most especially those from Girltalk. :)

10) PRAY AND BE THANKFUL FOR EVERYTHING this i am really guilty of. i wanna be honest that most of the time that i pray would be the times that i would be asking for something. From now on, i will pray everyday and be thankful for whatever that comes my way. Thy will be done…

11) GIVE IMPORTANCE TO THOSE WHO REALLY LOVE AND CARES FOR YOU know who your real friends are and who truly stays by your side no matter what. Stop being super nice to non-deserving people who only wants to get something from you but don’t be a snob either. just know who are the real people from the “fakes.”

12) FOLLOW THIS LIST. (hehehe)

a dinner with my inaanak...

2008-01-08T00:14:00.000+08:00

last friday, i got a message from my kumare (damn, do i really have to get used to calling my inaanak's parents as kumare or kumpare?) who's also a good friend of mine since college that they will be here in Manila with my godchild, Cass. And since i really wanted to make it up to her and to my friend as well (i haven't been able to spend time with them that much...once ko pa nga lang nakita inaanak ko eh!), i decided to invite them to dinner. So after a long exchange of text messages, i was finally able to meet them in front of Gerry's grill in Glorietta. And since it was a friday night, there was a long waiting list so we decided to go to Outback instead.

I can't stop myself from staring at my inaanak...i can't imagine that Mai-Mai as i fondly call my kumare/friend already has a daughter who's almost 2 years old. Back then, we used to talk if we are going to have our own family like our other friend, Sang. And that reminds me na ako na lang napag-iiwanan...huhuhu (sniff sniff)

Anyways, i was able to get some pics of my inaanak and her dad, Charles. Ewan ko ba bakit hindi ko nakuhanan si Mai. hehehe

Grabe, ako kaya kailan magkakaroon ng little angel like Cass?

enough drama, please...

2008-01-05T05:27:00.000+08:00

just when i thought this year's gonna be different and in a way, happier and that finally i'll learn how to let go of negative thoughts and feelings and stay away from people who seem to know how to make me feel real bad about myself...i still ended up feeling more trashed, abused and taken for granted than before. and to think we haven't gone thru the first week of this month. :(

damn...i feel so tired, bored and angry. in short, pesteng-peste na ako! i just wanna scream as loud as i can, curse and kick and punch and strangle those people who make me feel this way. but of course, in as much as i wanted to do all of those, i can't...and i won't.

so what would i end up doing then? e di wala...maybe i'll just go home and bury myself with my pillows and cry myself to sleep. and wish that tomorrow it will be better. hayy...no amount of makeup and hours of playing my psp can make me feel better. at this point, i just wanna forget what i've been thru and will still be going thru in the days to come.

sniff...sniff

2007: the year that was...

2008-01-03T03:12:00.000+08:00

i remember posting a blog entry on another blogsite with the same title a year ago. i think that was the first day of 2007, right after our usual Media Noche and when everybody else was sleeping. that was when i want to have a recap of all the things that happened to me on the year 2006. mejo senti, since i bravely posted all the good things and even the bad or maybe worst things that happened to me that year. and i intend to do it all again this time.

hmm…so was the year 2007 been good to me? let’s see..

- i just came out from a long time relationship that ended at the latter part of the year 2006 so i would say that the early part of 2007 was spent still trying to work things out with my ex-fiance and at the same time trying to accept the fact that it was indeed over. (yeah, magulo…sometimes i’d be okay…sometimes not)

- january, with a lot of convincing from my BFF, i was able to travel to Cebu and experience the Sinulog. I was not really into travelling but she told me that having some time without him would be a great idea. So to Cebu and Bohol we went. Until now, i still can’t imagine how i was able to manage walking down the streets of Cebu while watching the sinulog festival na sobrang init ang araw…but it was fun!

- came february, i’ve decided to move out of “our” place and live somewhere else. yep, i waited four months before finally deciding on moving out. but eventually, i’ve realized (actually, both of us did) that it would be the best for the both of us.

- i got involved with somebody…but eventually, it didn’t work out. I dont really wanna expound on this topic, i don’t regret it though but i’ve realized that it wasnt really meant to be.

- i remained friends with my ex-fiance and we both agreed that we need time for ourselves. this i had a hard time trying to sink in my little stupid brain. hehehe

- i dunno if my performance at work finally paid off or its just that they don’t want me to resign like everybody else in our team did, but i got a salary raise. not bad na rin…but of course, it comes with a price. Imagine, being the only tester for all the projects being done in the company?

- i came to realize that those people i usually take for granted would be the same people that i’d be able to count on at times that i’ll just breakdown because of too much stress, frustration, loneliness, etc. i was finally able to know who my real friends are and how important my family is to me. i developed a stronger bond with my mom, it was like being a little child again who’s in need of guidance and attention. sabi nga ng mom ko, i came back to being a baby but the good thing is, she was given a chance to take care of me unlike before because i grew up without her since she was working abroad back then.

- as expected, moving on from my relationship with my ex-fiance became harder that i imagined. it was like being on a rollercoaster ride.

- i’ve realized what i wanted to do: and that is to be able to work abroad and help my family first before worrying on relationships. yeah, i am not getting any younger but who am i to complain if this is indeed the life that was planned for me right? i need to do a lot of thinking and exert a lot of effort to do what i most need to do and that is to love myself first.

- i was able to meet new friends from a message board, started to become active on other forums as well. it may be mababaw for others but i was able to find new friends thru our common interest, which is makeup :) and that really gave me the realization that aside from my current career, i also want to be a makeup artist. or maybe i was just trying to find an excuse for my addiction for makeup? hehehe

- eventually, i became so stressed with work and to add to that, the continuous struggle to move on with my life. i had difficulty sleeping that most of the time, i’ll just have 1-2 hrs of sleep a day. i tried taking in different kinds of sleeping tabs just to help me sleep but nothing seemed to work. i was like an addict trying to look out for new drugs to take. i know it’s not good to depend on medicines, but i need it or else i’d die eventually or lose my job because i can hardly concentrate on my work and a little argument with my boss stresses me to death. i had to see a doctor and finally, he gave me some medications to help me. i don’t depend on it too much though…i don’t intend to be an addict in the first place.

- i dunno what’s with the latter part of the year, but it’s when i get more stressed and frustrated. just before the holidays, we had to move out of our place and find a new one in one week’s time. it was also the time when there were a lot of things to be done at work. imagine getting out of the office at 5am and packing my stuffs and moving them out of the old place and moving them in to the new one? for 1 week, i’ve been doing that and in no time i looked like a dead man walking with these horrible eyebags. that was also the time that stress has taken its toll on me that one little bad thing that would happen to me would cause me to cry like a baby. there was even a time that i’ve been worrying too much that i lost balance and dropped on both knees leaving me with bruises that you see on little kids but not on a 28-yr old stupid bitch!

- but as the old cliche goes “everything else will fall into place in time” i was able to overcome all the not so good things that happened to me during the past year. there have been several instances as well when i really felt that God has been saving me from harm and from doing things that i will regret later on. He made me realize that despite the things that have happened to me, i am still blessed and lucky for having people who continue to support and love me for who i am and not for who they wanted me to be.

to sum it up… i can say that the year that was became an eye-opener for me. it helped me realize what are the things that are more important in life and to be thankful for everything that comes your way…be good or bad. everything happens for a reason and I know that He knows what’s good for me and what’s not. and unlike last year, 2007 ended with a blast since i’ve celebrated it with my family (as usual) but this time, it became more special since i was able to realize the importance of having these people around who really loves you no matter what.

so Happy New Year everyone! May God continue to bless us all…

moving on...este out!

2007-12-26T23:48:00.000+08:00

Last week, i've informed u how ngarag i was from finding a new place to move in...and shempre, when i was finally able to find one...i had to make time (despite the pressure from my boss, este work pala) to move in my stuffs to the new place.

During my last days in my room at Kingswood (where i stayed for almost 8 mos), i felt kinda sad since i've been comfortable living with those people i just met when i moved in there. usually, i stay with my friends but that was the first time that i moved in a 4-room condo unit with 3 other people living in it. we don't get to see each other that often because of the schedule. i remember that sometimes, we even talk thru text though we are just inside our own rooms. if given naman the chance to see each other, we make sure to make the most out of it. there was a time we just chatted until 4 or 5 am. para bang wala ng bukas...or prolly just because we don't get to do it often.

Living at Kingswood also gave me the chance to somehow reunite with my long-lost (not really, its just that we dont get to see each other that often) baby, as i fondly call her, merie cris since one of my housemates happened to be her boyfriend named Brian. During weekends, we got to talk a lot about our college days (we used to be classmates and really close friends) and life now and what lies ahead in our future. When Brian accepted a job offer in Malaysia (which i got too, but declined for some reasons) i knew then that i won't get to see my baby that often anymore :( but that's life.

oh well...as a remembrance, i decided to take pictures of my room during my last days at Kingswood. Sorry for the mess guys, it used to look more organized before i started moving out some of my stuffs...so please bear with me. hehhehe...

opps, censored. heehehe...this spot is where my wooden cabinet used to be and my silver organizer which contains some of my kikay stuffs.

wahhh, where's my TV and DVD player? huuhuhuhu...

and my bed...it doesn't look so different actually, except for i no longer have the sofa bed on this picture. I have a mattress on top of a sofa bed kasi but i moved it out kasabay ng mga bigger stuffs ko. but as for the mess, it looks the same to me. ganyang-ganyan itsura nyan whenever i am on a hurry to leave for work. hehehhe

so ayun...so long kingswood! :( thanks for being my 2nd home for the last 8 ba or 10 months? i'll post pics of my new place when i finished cleaning and organizing my stuffs.

expecting too much in a relationship...

2007-12-22T02:26:00.000+08:00

We all deserve to find people who connect with us, who care for us, who make us laugh, who drive us crazy (in a good way), and who make us feel more excited than a popcorn kernel in a microwave.

Of course, we should all strive for all five qualities, not settle for two or three of the total. That said, many of us have unfair expectations of what relationships are supposed to be like.Blame it on the movies, or romance novels, or Barbie-and-Ken mythology, but seeking perfection in a relationship isn't noble; it's doomed.

Think about the lottery winners: They play with the hope that they'll score big, quit the job, buy a yacht, and party for the rest of their lives.But the reality for so many mega-bucks winners is that they end up in a dead-end life with relatives clawing at them and bankruptcy lawyers dividing the spoils. Why? Because their expectations of their fantasy life were far different than the reality, and they end up blowing the so-called best thing that ever happened to them.

Same goes for relationships. You may hit lucky sevens with a perfect match, but if you don't manage the fantasy with a dose of reality, your heart will be headed for bankruptcy.

Below, you'll find four key fantasy vs. reality clashes. Make sure you end up on the right side:

Expectation: The Fireworks of Romance
Reality: The Fireworks of Conflict
Sure, when sparks fly in a beginning of relationship, you've got oodles of chemistry, hopes, and anticipation. But to think that every day is going to be a barrel of butter-cream icing is just asking for trouble.If you're experiencing a lot of passion, you need to manage the 180-degree side of that passion-hard-core conflict. While some see conflict as relationship weakness, it can actually be the opposite - a Harvard study, in fact, found that subjects who express their anger have half the risk of heart disease compared with men who internalize it.It's a sign that you're communicating, a sign that you both care about the relationship, and a sign that you've got sparks, not complacency.

Expectation: The Perfect Package
Reality: Imperfect Behavior
When two people meet "the one," they tell all their friends about all the qualities of the new-found lover: Cute, friendly, compassionate, funny, good job, nice shoes, gorgeous body. In other words, poifect!Yeah, right, your friends think, and they're probably right. Okay, your new love interest seems to fit 97 of your 100 pieces of criteria for the perfect mate - after the second date. But again, that level of expectation can be an unfair standard that your imperfect companion will never be able to live up to as weeks, months, and years pass.Better to admire and appreciate the things that made you swoon. Then, it's up to you to manage the warts and worries (in personality, behavior, hygiene, whatever) that will slowly be introduced the more you get to know them.

Expectation: Wild Nights, Sleepy Days
Reality: Wild Days, Sleepy Nights
The joys of dating: Party all night, then lounge around during the day in anticipation of the night ahead. Of course, the initial excitement - about an impending date on the town or a friendly tussle in the bedroom - is one of the main engines that drives the relationship early on.That power source will wind down a bit once commitment sets in and routine takes over. Fight the impulse to pull away when you start to feel this relationship shift; spending time with a romantic partner can curb work-related stress and lower blood pressure, according to researchers at the University of North Carolina.The most successful couples are the ones who are able to adapt to the fact that crazy work days, the stress of life, and the daily grind of reality will become a stronger force than all-night talks under the stars.

Expectation: Complete Immersion
Reality: Occasional Diversion
When you start dating someone who drives you to Jack Nicholson levels of craziness, you want total saturation. You want to talk on the phone, you want an inbox full of flirty messages, you want five nights a week of dates, you can't stop thinking about them, and everything you say, do, smell, touch, or eat reminds you of that person.If that's you, I'm happy for you. That kind of all-consuming infatuation is one of the greatest feelings in life. But it just can't last. And - truth to tell - men may maintain an interest in the NFL, and want to watch a game or two with buds.Or women may decide that, heck, those end-of-season sales just can't go on without them. Many couples write off those feelings as evidence that they must be falling out of love. I don't see it that way. I see it as falling into reality, and successful couples know how to change their definition of immersion.In fact, University of Chicago researchers found that those with a wide circle of friends have an easier time dealing with stress and have a lower risk of heart disease than people who rely on only one or two others for support. That is, they don't see immersion as being based on quantity of time together, but rather immersing themselves in each other in whatever time they have-whether it's a lot or not.

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a good read i got from where else, Girltalk! :)

bakit nga ba single pa ako?

2007-12-05T22:03:00.000+08:00

10. Perfectionist/ Mapili: Yes, isang taong perpeksiyonista. Yung tipong dapat ganito ang magiging kapartner ko. Pag may nakilala, nakita lang na pangit ang kuko o may dumi lang, turn-off na agad. O kaya ang daming ayaw. Ayaw sa mabait boring daw, gusto bad boy/pilya pero kapag pinaiyak ka tatanungin ka “bakit ang sama mo!” “bakit mo nagawa yun! Adik ka ba?!” Ayaw sa cute, ayaw din naman sa panget. Meron dyan gusto ka ayaw mo naman… Ung gusto mo halos magtambling ka na pero deadma pa rin yang stunts mo sa kanya! Pasaway ka rin e! Ano ba talaga kuya?

9. Busy-Busyhan: Opo, eto yung ang mundo e gumagalaw lang sa libro at ballpen kung estudyante ka o kaya naman sa computer at files kung office staff ka. Yung tipong aalis ng bahay ng alas 6 o alas 7 ng umaga at uuwi ng bahay ng 6 hanggang alas 8 ng gabi (baligtad naman para sa mga nag tratrabaho sa call center). Sabay tulog na. Kapag sabado masaya na sila sa tv, sa pagkain na niluluto ni mama at sa linggo naman sisimba at maghahanda na ng kelangan para sa lunes hanggang biyernes. Pssssst… ka muna and pause for awhile…

8. Friendship Theory: Ano naman ito? Eto yung ang buhay ay kay bestfriend o kaya kay special friend na hindi masabi-sabi sa friendship nya sa loob ng kanilang mahabang panahon na pagsasama dahil baka daw maapektuhan ang pakikipagkaibigan at iwasan sya. Yung tipong pag may kasama si friendship na iba, nagseselos na wala naman sa lugar, pero syempre wag pahalata, kunyari happy sya for friendship. ABA Oi! lakasan mo ang loob mo at baka mamaya forever mong pagsisihan yan kaw rin.

7. Born-to-be-one (Authestic): Eto yung nasa palad na ang pagiging single daw. Walang reasons. Basta lang nabuhay sya sa mundo na mag-isa at feeling nya mamatay sya sa mundo ng mag-isa. Kesyo magmamadre o magpapari na lang. Asa kang tatanggapin ka pa noh!

6. Happy-go-lucky: Eto yung taong walang alam kundi kasiyahan at trippings. Kahit sino nalang basta no string attach. For fun lang daw… Walang halong seryosohan. ABA hoy! yang init ng katawan mo e ikiskis mo nalang sa pader. Makakahanap ka rin ng katapat mo!!!

5. Wrong Place : May nakaranas na ba nito? Yung pakiramdam mo nasa ibang mundo ka. Yung ang nakakaharap mo e yung mga hindi mo gusto, yung mga hindi mo hinahanap. Alam mo yun? Halimbawa nasa ibang bansa ka, pero ang hinahanap mo e yung amoy ng nasa sariling bayan mo. O kaya naman e nasa sarili mong bayan ka, nasa normal na lipunan, pero ikaw ang abnormal at hindi mo kayang sabihin na abnormal din ang hanap mo kung ayaw mong ibitin ka nila ng patiwarik.

4. Wrong Time: Eto yung mga tao na sinasabi na, hindi pa ako ready e bata pa kasi ako o kaya naman hindi pa ako handa sa panahong ito, wala pa ako kayang ipagmalaki. Yes meron pong ganyan. Yung feeling nila may tamang panahon para sa love. Awwwwwww. Aba kelan yun? Pag uugod ugod ka na at yung time mo e bitin na? O baka naman pag pang out of time ka na? Oist, sugod lang ng sugod.

3. Si parents kasi: Yes, factor din ang komyunidad na ginagalawan mo. Una, ayaw pa ni mader o pader na magkaron ka kahit 22 anyos ka na at kelangan umabot ka muna raw ng 40 bago magkaroon ng gf/bf. O kaya naman ikaw mismo! Takot sa sasabihin ni parents at ni kapitbahay na tsismosa sa magiging kasama mo. Aba ikaw na nga ba ang sabihan na.. Alam mo hindi kayo bagay. Langit at lupa kayo. Awwwww. Payo ko sayo, Pakialam nila diba? Palibhasa inggit!

2. Traumatic Experience: Eto kalimitan ang reason ng marami. Ayaw ko na!!! Takot na ako mangyari pa ang nangyari dati! O diba ang drama ng layp? Yes, tama ka. Eto yung dahil sa past relationship mo, e until now ayaw mo ng magkaroon at sinumpa mo na ata ang magmahal. Dahil sa pinagpalit ka sa mas pangit, o kaya naman iniwan ka ng walang word na bye-bye, o dahil binugbog ka!, ano pa ba? Madami yan, wag na nating isa-isahin at baka tumulo si tears! heheh… Gayunpaman, eto lang masasabi ko mga hija at hijo. Iba-iba ang lasa ng pag-ibig. May mapait, may mapakla, may matamis at may maasim. Aba mapalad ka at natikman mo ang ibat ibang lasa nito. Kaya ikaw, Do not be afraid to fall in love again! Malay mo sweetness na ang malasahan mo next time. E di panalo ka sa lotto. Yan ang nagpapalakas sayo! Yang ang bumubuhay sayo, ang pag-ibig. tsk! drama!

1. EX to the nth power: Oi aminin!!! LOVE parin si Ex kahit 1 or 2 yrs na ang nakakalipas. May ganito naman. Yung tipong ilang taon ang nakakalipas, hindi pa rin makalimutan si ex. Yung pinagsamahan, yung tawanan, yung iyakan, at lahat ng nangyari sa inyo nung kayo pa. Malungkot man at sa kung anumang kadahilanan, maganda man o masama ito, kelangan nyong magpaalam sa isa’t-isa. YES, after a year sasabihin natin, I’m over him/her na, pero pag-usapan natin ang love at ang nangyari sa ating relastionship from thepast, TADANNNNNNNNNNNNN, eto na, sya agad ang naalala mo. At habang nagkukwento ka, ouch may kirot, o kaya may ngiti at may bumabagabag sa ating kalooban.. Ano kaya yun? AMININ mo na kasi. MAHAL mo pa si EX. Isa lang ang masasabi ko, well mahirap sya kalimutan alam ko yan! pero open your heart and makipagdate ka, lumabas ka, at try to entertain someone. Wag mo ikumpara si ex sa iba.

kung ako tatanungin? hmmm…kasi “halos” lahat ng lalaking nakikilala ko pare-pareho ng palusot para lang may maidagdag sa listahan ng mga babaeng nauto nila. bottomline is, wala pa akong nakitang lalaking masasabing kong worthy to take another risk :)

tsaka na lang...

2007-11-29T04:29:00.000+08:00

tsaka na lang…pag may oras ka na para sa akin at para hindi parang pilit ang pagbibigay mo ng oras sa akin.

tsaka na lang…pag alam mo kung ano ang pagkakaiba ko sa mga kaibigan, kabarkada at iba pang bagay na pinagkakaabalahan mo.

tsaka na lang…pag hindi mo na ako kayang saktan.

tsaka na lang…pag kaya mo ng tuparin mga pangako mo sa akin.

tsaka na lang…pag kaya mo na akong hindi ihuli sa iba mo bang pinagkakaabalahan.

tsaka na lang…pag kaya mo na akong gawing parte ng buhay mo.

tsaka na lang…pag alam mo ng hindi mo pala kayang mawala ako sa buhay mo.

tsaka na lang…pag kaya mo ng iparamdam sa akin na naaappreciate mo lahat ng binibigay at ginagawa ko para sa iyo at sa ating dalawa.

tsaka na lang…pag kaya mo ng ipagmalaki sa buong mundo na ako ang mahal mo.

tsaka na lang…pag lahat gagawin mo maging masaya lang ako at maramdaman kong importante ako sa iyo.

tsaka na lang…pag consistent ka na sa mga actions mo sa tuwing sasabihin mo sa aking aayusin natin lahat ito

tsaka na lang…pag talagang decided ka na na ako ang gusto mong makasama buong buhay mo.
kasi ngayon, pagod na ako.

masakit na mata ko kakaiyak.

masakit na din dibdib ko.

masakit na din ulo ko kasi nalilito ako sa pagkakaiba ng mga sinasabi mo at ginagawa mo.

masakit na din umasa, tapos sa bandang huli wala din palang mapapala.

masakit din kasi maniwala sa mga sinasabi mo ngayon, pero bukas iba na pala.

ang sakit-sakit na kasi.

kaya tsaka nalang…pag kaya ko na ding mawala ka para hindi na ganun kasakit.

at tsaka na lang…pag hindi na kita masyadong mahal.

alone again...

2007-11-23T02:07:00.001+08:00

anyways…while waiting for something to do work-related…i browsed thru my friendster list it’s been a long time since the last time i checked on my friends’ profiles. some haven’t changed at all..pero a lot of them did. some are already married, even posted their wedding pictures…i found myself browsing thru the pics, and to be honest, i feel kinda envious. but of course, i am happy for them! hindi naman inggit na galit ako, of course not. i may not be happy with my own love life (or the lack of it) but i can still say that i am happy that for those who have found it. nakakatuwa…i mean, some of them are those people who were broken-hearted before…i’ve known some who even said they stopped believing in love, pero ayun…they found the reason to believe in it once again, and who knows..maybe forever di ba?

i can’t stop myself from feeling kinda inggit. i even found myself telling myself “i wish i can be in that picture too..” or “i wish someday, i’d be walking down the aisle too” or “i wish someday, somebody will hold my hand and promise me forever…” and actually mean it of course! (sighs)

for some naman, i see pictures of their babies. some of them are single parents, pero seeing them in those pictures with their babies, i can tell that they are happy too. if not their babies naman, i see pictures of their significant other…boyfriends, girlfriends…gosh, gusto ko tuloy mahiya puro pagmumukha ko nasa photo gallery ko. i even saw one guy who posted a picture of her girlfriend with the caption “my future” (awwww)
i dunno if it’s me or what…pero while browsing, it’s like they were saying “hey, we are happy…and you’re not!” right to my face. or maybe it’s just another day when i feel so down and so alone. maybe that’s why i decided to go home despite the fact that the connection here kills me that it takes me forever to do my stuff when i connect to my computer in the office. or maybe, they’re right…they’re happy and im not.

isang mahabang HAYYYY….

working from home...

2007-11-23T02:06:00.001+08:00

yep, supposedly…but i am not. actually, i was pero “mejo” tapos ko na tasks ko for today so wait muna ako. today is thanksgiving in the US, and since my lead developer is in the US, i asked her if i can just work from home…besides, i don’t have anything urgent to do. luckily she said yes. so i went home. eto, online pa din while the rest of the people are sleeping already. and tomorrow, ako naman ang tulog.

by the way, i got another haircut. yep, hindi nakatiis. well, people are saying this one’s better. the first wasn’t. they say its so not me…mukha daw akong mabait. ^_^ at hindi daw bagay (ngek). so before going home, i decided to get a haircut. i tried ystilo salon, a block away from the condo. okay naman ang gupit, i look like a victoria beckham- wannabee. hahahah

wish ko lang…

wow mali?

2007-11-20T07:25:00.000+08:00

dang…wag naman sana! if it is, that would mean i have to go and get another…haircut?

i had a haircut last weekend, hindi pa ako, i got some hairlights too. i dunno, i feel like i don’t like it. i look different…i look fatter! (waaaaaaa!) anyways, i’m gonna give it a few more days..pag ganun pa din, argh what the heck, papatabas ako ulit.

last sunday, after meeting up with odette (who’s enjoying singapore now, sigh) i watched “One More Chance” with you-know-who. (laughs) he’s so funny…imagine, he was in a blue sleeveless shirt and jeans with matching slippers. he really look siga and all, and there he was…watching the movie with me. when the movie was over, he was such in a hurry to get out of the cinema at nakakahiya daw. LOL you know naman guys, some of them aren’t proud to be seen watching this sort of movie…e ayaw ko pang lumabas ng sine, pang-asar ba. so he said we’ll just gonna stay til everybody’s out. hahaha…pero siyempre, being the sutil that i am…just when almost everybody is on their way out, i told him we gotta go. and yep, shempre ayaw nya…i was really laughing hard that time kasi he really looked embarassed and all, so i said “huy, tama na…wala ng kasunod yan, let’s just watch it again tomorrow if you want” as loud as i can. wehehehe…there were couples who heard that and they gave him a look and i swear, i saw them laughing too. buti na lang hindi pikon si voldemort, nakikitawa na lang siya. i even told him that i think it would be better if he would pretend to be gay by swaying his hips while walking…that way, it would be more understandable why a guy-looking like him watched that movie. it made us laugh harder kasi nga, the way he was dressed, there’s no way he’d be able to pull that off. wahahaha

i enjoyed the movie and the laughs i had with you-know-who. i missed laughing like that, and making fun of him like that. LOL

anyways, the movie is great. i think most couples would be able to relate to the story. i did…but i would say, i’d be more of john lloyd’s character. he did everything and gave everything, but she left her so she could find herself. buti na lang, wala talagang 3rd party kundi naku..sounds familiar na talga. wahahha. anyways, a lot can be learned in this movie. for one, don’t ever ever lose your own identity when in a relationship. this is what happened with bea’s character, which made her decide to go on her own. second, be really sure that you want to let go. dont think that you can always get back what you’ve given away. third, if there’s a problem…talk about it and do something about it. staying mum won’t do you any good. it’ll just probably make things worse. fourth, don’t take people for granted…most especially those people who loves you and stays with you. lastly, if you love somebody…set him free. kung kayo, kayo pa din talga in the end.

gosh, i can go on and on about it. but one thing i won’t forget in this movie is if two people are destined to be with each other..no matter what happens, they will still find each other.

kaka-inlababo!

finally...

2007-11-18T03:37:00.000+08:00

it’s already past 3am and i’m still up…hehhe, weekend eh but instead of being out on a gimmick, eto i’m watching (not really watching, la lang choice kasi i don’t have a cable) Walang tulugan while waiting for my pictures to be uploaded sa friendster. While waiting, i decided to blog natin and make kwento of what i did kanina (as if there’s anything interesting, hehhe)

i woke up around 330pm and i remembered that i was planning to go to the gym all weekend and probably get a massage after. for days, i was scouting for where i can get a good body scrub and massage. i wish i can avail the royal javanese bath of The Spa where i can soak in a milkbath with roses pero ang mahal eh. kuripot ako, heehhe but i promised myself that i’ll avail that soon. Siguro, i’ll get that as a Xmas present for myself. For now, i decided to try the massage at Fitness First but i wanted to get a haircut first. So at past 5, i was already at Piandre-pplsupport to have my haircut. Nothing extraordinary naman….i just want to have a “porma” sa hair ko. Wala na kasing kaitsu-itsura. I’ll post a pic here one of these days.

At 630, i was at the gym na and i was planning to hit the threadmill first and then go to the jacuzzi and sauna buti na lang i decided to inquire about the massage muna. til 8pm lang pala sila..so i had no choice but to have the scrub and massage na lang…i so wanted to stay pa naman sa sauna after an hour or so sa threadmill…oh well.

So i got the pumpkin body scrub, avocado hair spa and swedish massage. it was good actually…my skin’s so soft after. pero the massage isn’t comparable to what i had when i first went for a massage. yung kanina is parang wala lang…or so-so. but i felt relaxed naman so okay na din.

i wanted to go to the mall, grab dinner and watch a movie pero the movie i wanted to see isn’t being shown at GB3. i don’t wanna go to G4 naman na mag-isa, though i used to do that. So ayun, i just grab a sandwich at Earle’s delicatessen then went home.

i know the way i spent my saturday isn’t that thrilling or exciting like the other or like the way they used to be…pero i must say i like it this way. i’d rather spend time at home watching tv or just tinkering with my abubots than being out drinking. ewan ko ba, tumatanda na nga ata talaga ako. but i’m also looking forward to doing that paminsan-minsan…pero walang chance eh. i mean my friends who i used to go out with hindi na din mahilig sa gimik. most of us would rather spend the weekend being at home and watch DVDs. ehehhehe, matatandang dalaga na nga kami.

anyways, i’m planning to get highlights for my newly-cut hair and prolly a mani-pedi later. i so wanna pamper myself. i also wanna go and buy a new pair of sandals…hay, sana i can gather all my courage to watch a movie at G4 alone. oh well…so that’s how a soon-to-be-oldmaid spends her weekend hhehhe..
ciao!

Boring...

2007-11-15T20:20:00.000+08:00

i know there are people who enjoys getting paid for doing practically nothing in the office…not that i am trying to be noble or modest at that, but i can say i am definitely not one of them. people who really know me would say that i’d prefer being buried in a pile of tasks than surfing the internet for whatever that would interest me. don’t get me wrong here, i do surf, chat too…and i can do it while being busy with work. i just love multitasking and i can say i am kinda good with it.

it’s been 3 days of just sitting here and reading various stories posted by my most recent favorite writer…i dunno what her real name is but she is really a good writer. i saw her works in GT (www.femalenetwork.com/girltalk) and i could say that she makes me want to fall in love again and look for my own shinta, derek and sean (read her works and you’ll know who they are). i think i’m gonna add her blog site too here so you can check the stories too. so, not that i am complaining of not doing anything and being stucked with her stories that i LOVE but this isn’t me. i can’t stay in the office and not work! i feel so…useless! so dumb and yeah, unwanted. i know some of you there would tell me i’m lucky to do nothing and get paid but, arrghh..maybe i’m such a martyr, or a masochist. basta, i love to work…not that i love my work. basta i love being busy! it helps me take off my mind from my so-called life na super boring.

hay…

i hate my boss for ignoring me. i’ve been sending a lot of emails asking for something to do, or to follow-up on some tasks but i get nothing. nadah…langya, pati ba naman sa trabaho invisible na din ako. Grrr…

sighs…

i bet, she wouldnt even notice if i don’t come in to work. i’ve been wanting to, kaso sayang naman leaves ko no. and besides, what will i do at home? sleep-eat-watch DVD? sheeett…i am such in a bad need of a social-life!!!

help me have one!

tired...

2007-11-13T03:40:00.000+08:00

yes, i’m so damn tired. and this isn’t because of work since i was practically doing nothing all night except for reading a manga story which i find truly sobrang nakakakilig that i can’t stop. it was too late for me to realize that here i am again, falling in love with somebody else’s love story…what can i do? i only get to get kilig with somebody else’s, since i don’t have anything nakakakilig to share. drat! reading these kind of stories make me a fool for love all the more
so why the hell am i tired?

because of a lot of things…but mainly on trying so damn much to pretty much please almost everybody. i try so hard to do things to meet other people’s expectation of me. i try so hard to make all things possible, not minding if it causes me too much stress, anxiety and even anger. i even try to exceed what’s expected of me…and make sure that i give my best in everything i do. but what’s not good is i expect them to do just the same, that i end up frustrated and disappointed and most of all, hurt.

sometimes in doing so, i even try to fool myself and act as if i am okay even though in reality i am hurting so bad. the worst thing i can do is tell them i hate them or hate the things they want me to do, but i always find myself doing those things all over again. it makes me think that sometimes, i dont really mean what i say. is it lying? maybe so…i’m lying to them because i tell them i hate them for making things hard for me, but i continue doing it for i know it makes them happy. so maybe, i have been lying to myself all this time.

they say, that when you get tired…STOP. i’ve always wanted to do this. just stop…stop trying, stop pleasing people and stop hurting myself by not trying to push myself too hard. maybe i’ll try to be like them…expect others to do what i expect of them. to try a little, and if it doesn’t work, then i’ll stop and leave it up to them. or maybe just stop trying and do nothing.
for weeks now, i hardly get to sleep. if i do, it would be 5hours at most. i spend most of my “sleep time” lying in my bed thinking about a lot of things. all sorts…work, family, friends and love life (or the lack of it). sometimes i feel the nerves on my head thumping…it hurts so bad, and all i want is to go to sleep forever so i can stop worrying about things…about people who obviously don’t worry about me. sometimes i think that i am just wasting my time…but how can you be wasting time on things that matter to you?

little by little i get to realize that i am not only making things harder for myself…but for them as well. maybe i need to make myself unavailable for some time. if they can do it most of the time, then maybe i can do it as well…if not better.

:(

2007-11-10T04:43:00.001+08:00

Knocked up…

Okay, now let me talk about the movie i was telling you all about nights ago. Actors are not really famous (feel free to correct me just in case), the only actress i get to recognized was the character played by the sister Debbie. And before anything else, let me first say that Katherine Heigl is so dammmnn gorgeous! Nice face, sexy body…hot! (okay, i’m beginning to sound weird now)

This is a story of two people who met in a club, got drunk and had sex: a typical one-night stand. But i am not sure if because of being too horny or simple stupidity (apparently, boy didn’t understand when girl said just do it!) boy didn’t use a condom and so after 2mos, girl tells boy: I AM PREGNANT!

Surprisingly, they didn’t consider to abort the baby despite of their obvious differences: Allison just got promoted and has a very promising career ahead of her and aside from that, she is drop-dead gorgeous, witty and rich. On the other hand, Ben doesn’t have a job, loves to get high, has a totally foul mouth and lives with a number of other horny and foul-mouthed people like him.

They tried to work things out by spending more time together, until they got very close until Ben proposed but did nothing to improve or at least change his way of living. Eventually, they fought and Allison decided to raise the baby on her own. After a short trip to Vegas, Ben realized that he needs to do something about his life if he wants to get Allison back. He got a job, an apartment, a car and started to read books on how to be a father to a new-born baby and other books that he and Allison bought. The scene where he was reading these books instead of choosing to go out with his friends is another tear-jerker for me. Babaw ba? hehehe, well i find it sweet.

Things turned out well in the end, of course. I am not sure whether they got married but it sure looked that they have a “happy ever after.’
I got to see and realized many things in this movie:

1. Two totally different people might work things out after all. Most especially if they love each other and they compromise. So i guess, compatibility isn’t really an issue when there is love.

2. I was so touched when Ben was on his knee, brought out a box and proposed to Allison…but box is empty. What touched me was when he told Allison that he will save for the ring that she truly deserves and for now he just wants to do the right thing. (Awww…)

3. A person no matter how irresponsible and immature he is will change as soon as he realized he wants to change. No person can change you unless you get to realize you need to. In the end, Ben decided to be an adult and start getting a “life” to make it better for him and Allison and their baby. His love to Allison made decide to be a better man. (hayy…nakaka-inlababo!)

4. Sometimes, life isn’t all about money or careers. In this movie, Allison just got promoted and getting pregnant might get her fired but she decided to have the baby. In the end, she got both.
O di ba…ganda ng movie? It made me realize that well, maybe there is still hope for me.

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TGIS!

Yeyyy…weekend na naman! Buhay baboy na naman ito. Kain-tulog. :) But i’m thinking of getting a massage just because i feel like i am overly stressed na with work and with my so-called life! Grabe na sa kaboringan ang buhay ko…i wanna go out and enjoy, pero natatamad naman ako. And besides, gone are the days when i would prefer going to bars and getting drunk. Itutulog ko na lang.

I do have plans this afternoon though. I’d be attending the Mineral Makeup day of Sophie. I’ve been telling her that i’d attend pero i kept on breaking my promise…but this time i really wanna attend. Maybe if matapos na maaga, i can have then a massage. Hay wish ko lang.

Anyhoo…happy weekend to everybody!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY...

2007-11-08T03:40:00.001+08:00

on this same day, 14 years ago Monday around 8PM…he called and the girl picked up.

Girl: Hello?

Boy: Oy, pinapatawag mo daw ako? Bakit? (hey, they said you wanted me to call you? what’s up?)

Girl: Wala lang (Nothing)

*but honestly, he sucked for trying to pretend he doesnt know why

Boy: Ano nga eh…sabi nila tawagan daw kita. May sasabihin ka? (What is it, your friends told me you wanted me to call…is there anything you want to say?)

*still trying hard, but he still sucked

Girl: E alam mo naman na nga, kunwari pa to! (As if you dont know yet…stop pretending!)

Boy: Ano nga? (What is it?)

Girl: Hmmp..OO na. (Yes)

Boy: Anong oo? (what do you mean by yes?)

Girl: Nakakainis ka na ha. Alam mo na yun! (You’re starting to annoy me. you know what i was talking about)

Boy: (laughs) Talaga? O sige walang bawian ha.. (Really? No kidding? No turning back now, okay?)

Girl: Oo na nga! Sige na, babay na tawag na ako ni mommy (I said yes, didn’t I? Gotta go now, mom’s calling me)

Boy: Okay…see you tomorrow. Bye!

Girl: Bye

Right after putting down the phone, girl wanted to call him and take it back. Besides, she haven’t asked approval from her mom yet and for sure she’ll get mad. But what the heck, she can take it back after fulfilling his promise of taking her friends out to Jollibee. (hehhe, yep big deal)

She went to her room…she felt cold…anxious…scared…embarrassed. Not to mention guilty for not seeking approval from her mom first. But at the same time, she was somehow excited.

“Geesh, my first boyfriend”

The way she gave him the big Yes might not have been that romantic at all…and there even were thoughts that the relationship might turn out not to be a big deal after all.

“Di yan seryosohan…maghihiwalay din yan” (It’s nothing serious, they’ll separate soon)

Those thoughts were acceptable because back then, who would ever imagine that this relationship with unromantic beginnings will last more than a decade?

Too bad, it ended a year ago.

best compliment...

2007-11-07T00:15:00.000+08:00

so far, what is the best compliment you ever got? It could be ”you’re the most beautiful woman i’ve ever seen” or “you’re the best thing that ever happened to me” amongst others. If you’re gonna ask me, let me first say that I’m not good in taking compliments, so i can’t really specify what’s the best compliment i ever got. If people give me compliments, instead of saying thank you or at least feel flattered, i give out a smirt in return. I know that isn’t a good way to respond to compliments, it’s just that i’d feel more conscious or even think it’s some sort of sarcastic remark. hehehe, and i say i trust people too much, eh? (grins)

anyways, i watched “As good as it gets” today. I am an OC myself but oh boy, i am thankful that i am not as bad as him. He’s way too OC. Okay, i think the farthest i can get is making sure that my towel is left hanging properly on the chair next to my bed. i tell you, if i see that towel with one end not hanging on the chair like the other end, i can never get to sleep. another would be if i see my shoe boxes not properly stacked. sometimes i try to fight the urge to fix them, but i will always end up doing so. geesshh…do i already need a psychiatrist?

okay, going back to my question…i asked because in the movie, Jack assured that he’d be able to give Helen a good, if not the best compliment she’ll ever get. I was actually expecting that he’d praise her for wearing such a nice dress that flaunt her features but nope…what did he tell her then?

“You make me wanna be a better man.”

Awww…i was teary-eyed (okay, aside from being an OC, you can call me corny). Can you imagine your man telling you that? I would die right there and then if i hear these words. We all know that real Love should bring out the best in all of us, di ba? It’s like being inspired to do just all the good things. You give this particular man in your life the will to do great and be the best in everything he does. You inspire him…can anything be sweeter than that?
hayy…

Okay, you can now add “daydreamer” on your list of “about jheng.”

WAHHHH...

2007-11-05T00:44:00.001+08:00

today’s the last day of my 4-day vacation…and yet, i still don’t want to go back to manila. huhuhu…i want to extend! though i have the option to work at home, my internet connection kills me and it sucks most esp when i have lots of work to do. so i got no choice but to bring my ass in the office. grrr…oh well, reality bites. and in reality, i’m just a noble employee who needs to work even i don’t want to.

for sure, i’m gonna miss being at home. nothing can beat the feeling of being at your own home, with your family. my next vacay would be on december, for xmas break (wah, ang tagaaal pa)

sniff…sniff…

which reminds me…what if i accepted the job offer in malaysia? if i accepted it, i’d be on my first month there. i’m wondering what could have happen to me. i would love to have the additional pay but i don’t think i’m ready to leave my family over here just yet. but next year, i’d be pursuing my plans of getting a job abroad…maybe singapore. i’m not getting any younger and i need to get my ass going if i want to accomplish anything. besides, i have my sister and my pinsan to send to college. not that i am complaining, this is something i’ve told myself to be doing years ago.

it makes me think that life gets harder as you grom old. years ago, i’ve never thought life could be this hard. looking back, i only worry about school projects, allowances and boys. hhhehhe…but now, i seem to forget even about boys. seriously! i used to worry about me getting married, how many kids i’m gonna have or where i am going to live with my own family. but things have changed. i don’t know if this is good, though.

again, i am not complaining. i believe that everything will fall into places soon with God’s grace. i love my family and what could be more rewarding than being able to help your family, ayt?
so there…gotta go now. me and my sis are watching this horror movie in one of our local channels. but before that lemme post here my most recent fave pic of who else? meee!

here it is…edited using Nero Snap viewer:

nakakakilig naman...

2007-10-31T01:59:00.000+08:00

yup, kinikilig ako. damn! i so miss this feeling…ung nangingiti ka ng mag-isa. okay sana kung kinikilig ako because a guy makes me kilig, but the truth is, i’m reading a blog suggested to me by a fellow-GTer: maidinmakati.blogspot.com yep, i know a lot of you knows this blog. as usual, lagi akong huli sa uso. but for those who aren’t, well it’s a blog written by this guy who happens to fall in love with their maid. though she really isn’t a maid, but a daughter of their maid.

nope, this is not in anyway the same with the stories of atsay killers out there. this one’s really kakakilig. imagine the guy even wrote a blog about it? hayyy…i wish somebody out there falls in love with me and write a blog about our “relationship” too. oh well…asa pa ako.

shet, it’s time to go home but i can’t seem to stop reading! arrrghhhh…kakaadik to.

i’m inlababo! (weehhehe, you wish)

on bad boys and bad girls...

2007-10-16T03:31:00.000+08:00

i remember having a discussion with a guy friend years ago about women choosing bad boys over guys-next-door types. apparently, the girl he's been courting for over a year chose this other suitor who's the exact opposite of him: has a motorcycle for a ride, smokes, drinks and a record of having a number of GFs at the same time. he was complaining how confusing women are...how we preferred to be dragged by those kind of men instead of being treated as princesses.

"mas gusto nyo ata ang bastos kesa ginagalang kayo eh!" hmmm...sometimes (grins)

anyways, i must admit i used to be like those women. most of my crushes way back my younger years were guys who wore tattered jeans, fitted shirts, with long hair, a bit of moustache and who seem to care less on how they look. we girls like to call them "manyak" looking guys (for obvious reasons...tee-hee). if you ask me why...maybe we think its more exciting to be with guys who doesnt really care about anything but having a good time. imagine riding a motorcycle with your hair flowing freely in the air (kewlness) or maybe having someone ala-robin padilla type on his knees for being madly in love with you (haba ng hair mo!). like men, we girls too love the challenge. but i guess as you grow old, you tend to mellow down. in my case, i'd prefer to have a life that's more stable...maybe a little less exciting but at least you'd be on the assured side. so i guess, it comes with age.

so okay, women can be guilty of this. but are you sure, only us can be condemned of such?

i know a friend who has been married for more than 2 years and eventually, her husband had an affair with a girl who apparently has a record of being a willing third party of other relationships. this girl loves going out on gimmicks, partying and well, attached men. my friend on the other hand is more of a homebody, being a mother to their son, she would prefer staying at home and looking after him. it was a shock when eventually, her husband totally chose the other girl over my friend. it's really frustrating...

i've encountered lots of stories about guys going gaga over a girl who doesnt even compare a bit to their present GFs or wives. if you ask them, its either they find the other woman more exciting or at least have something different. and it's sad to think that they choose these types of women over the girls they've spent more time with...went thru unimaginable trials and whose fidelity and sincerity have already been tested thru time.

so i guess it's not only us women...but also men who at some point in their lives would choose someone they just met who seem to be more attractive, more exciting and more fun to be with over that somebody who may not be as attractive and as exciting as those women...but will be more than willing to be with you no matter how un-exciting and un-attractive you'd become. and it's simply because it's LOVE.

IAMSUTIL

2007-10-10T01:29:00.000+08:00

SUTIL [suh-til] : adj.
- synonymous to naughty, mischievous, disobedient, misbehaved, playful, frolicsome, resistive, uncompliant, rascally.
- in my native language (Filipino) this means: pasaway, makulit, matigas ang ulo

and yes, i am a SUTIL. Most of the time, i just couldn't let anybody have their way without me questioning. Either, i ain't trusting them or i'm just simply bullying them...just for kicks. i may look serious (and i can be serious if situation calls for it) but there will always be a playful side of me.

Yes, i am resistive...but not until you've proven your point. Let's just say that like a child, i always ask questions....question that lead to another question...until i get satisfied and you've made your point accross. but don't get me wrong...i can be gullible and naive too. on what matters, that you have yet to discover.

so let me just welcome you to my world of endless whinings, rants, nonsense and whatever...feel free to comment, just dont nag me... i already have enough of that to last a lifetime. :)